Lono for Senate
Today is election day, America. I know it is just the primaries, but I wanted to speak to you directly. America, I have been inspired. My old pal Roy suggested that I run for senator for Colorado, now that the wonderful Mr Nighthorse Campbell has stepped aside. My qualifications? None! Are you tired of politics as usual in Washington? Are you tired of back office shenanigans? Are you tired of sweetheart deals that screw the taxpayer? Are you tired of your congressman nailing interns on your dollar? I am sure am, America!
I can tell you there will be no scandal of me doing blow off a big tittied hooker’s ass! No sir, I commit to you… the voter of Colorado… that the only big tittied ass snorting blow I’ll be doing will be off my wife! Those are our values, America. What Colorado needs is a true outsider. I assure you my friends, ‘slick’ is not the adjective people use to describe me. Charismatic, resourceful, ambitious… these are words not often bandied about in my autobiography! What Colorado needs is someone with a fresh perspective. Somebody who can stand up to the lobbyists. Better still, someone who can stand up to the constituents! I am that man, and I have a new campaign slogan that I crafted myself recently, and I would like to know what you think. It speaks to my fresh ‘outsider’ status.
Lono for Senate, he’s never helped anybody
* I have put together some suggested reading from my peer group below.