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Live from the 24 Season Finale

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Despite my love for him, I think I’ll be rooting for Jack Bauer to die tonight.

 

This season 24 has felt 24 years long rather than the usual 24 hours. Tony is good; Tony is bad; Tony is good again; Tony is bad again. I can't keep up. What happened to all that stuff about Africa? Jack has a zillion to one against him virus right now, which means that he might actually be as high as 5% to actually die, tonight. Add on that head butt protecting Brooke Shields, and we’re up to 10%.

Jack and his torture are too uncomfortable for us to deal with these days. Barack Obama would never torture people; he’d just hang out with them long enough to make them truly love America.

I want to make this clear: I'm against torture in the real world. On television, I'm totally for it. I love seeing Jack torture people. He even tortured his own brother once! I love the fact that Jack always has a different way to torture people. He never gives a repeat performance, and he usually makes good use of his surroundings to invent new and interesting ways of making people feel the maximum amount of pain without passing out.

I’d give in and talk about a second after Jack yelled at me in that Jack Bauer, voice of God tone of his.

24 went and hired Janeane Garofalo this year just so they could mock and degrade her and her views. How much do we have to pay you to debase everything you are and believe in? $20,000 an episode sounds about right. Nice job, Janeane.

Would I appear on 24 and betray my moral code? Sure, I would, but Janeane should have a lot more options than I do.  She’s a friend of Ben Stiller, who is not nearly as cool as he thinks he is.

Next season they can hire Al Franken, and see if he buckles under the pressure.

The left needs some heroes that can kick some ass. All the ass kickers are Republicans. Arnold, Bruce, Jack Bauer. The best we have is Jesse Ventura and that's pretty low rent. How about Bruce Lee? I have no idea whether Bruce Lee would have been seen as a liberal or a conservative these days, but neither do you, so I'm claiming Bruce Lee for the Left.

Can you see Jack Bauer telling Bruce Lee to take his first Amendment crap and take a hike?

Jack Bauer is pretty tough, but he's been dying all season. I don't want to see Jack Bauer dying. I want to see Jack Ryan bringing the hammer down on all the bad guys.

Sure, Jon Voight is always amusing, but every time I see him, I can’t help, but think how much more amusing it would be to see any five minutes of him in the same room with his daughter, Angelina Jolie. “I want my SOOOONNNNNNN, not my Dad!”

In fact, Jack Bauer should have been battling Angelina Jolie all over Africa this season. Had that happened, I wouldn’t be completely lost like I am this year with 24. If under penalty of death, I had to explain this year's plot, I think I’d be lucky if I was even able to remember the name of this year’s female President.

Despite seeing every single episode of 24 this season, to say that I’m lost would be a huge understatement. I just ignore most of it and wait for things to blow up, while I enjoy Aaron, the honorable secret service man, and Mary Lynn Rasjkub’s Chloe.

I used to go to a lot of Los Angeles musician Jon Brion’s Friday night shows, when he was dating Mary Lynn. I saw her at a lot of these shows, and she was surprisingly sexy and could definitely drink. She also easily has the most difficult to pronounce last name I’ve ever encountered. I think it’s pronounced “rice-cub,” but I’m never completely comfortable with that.

Mary Lynn is great on 24. Chloe is very insensitive and Mary Lynn has completely convinced me that Chloe would do anything for Jack Bauer.

“Chloe, I need you to leave your husband and abandon your child to live in my basement and make sure that my cable television continues to work.”

“You really need me to do this, Jack?”

“The entire stability of the United States depends on it, Chloe.”

“Well, in that case …”

6:01 A.M

Jack is dying, Kim is a hostage yet again, the President’s daughter is in huge legal trouble. Jack needs to free Tony from FBI custody, to save Kim.

The President is up and ready to start her day. If I was President, I’d start my day at noon.

“Apparently, some private military firms are trying to take over the Country.” Yawn.

Tony has looked very angry all year long. He should be happy that he’s still alive.

Kim noticed that her creepy looking new friend has a cut from killing the agent Jack secretly sent to make sure that she wasn’t used against him, which is essentially what is about to happen.

Jack frees Tony. Renee is to say the least surprised at this betrayal. Tony looks like he could care less.

Van chase.

Some helicopters.

“Say it ain’t so Jack,” Renee says.

“They have my daughter.”

Jack frees Tony and lets Tony disarm and handcuff  him.

This mysterious evil chick, who I’ve never been able to name, wants Tony to shoot Jack, but Tony reveals more of his new found genius.

This was all a ploy to kidnap Jack. Since he’s been infected, they can use his body as a host to grow more biological weapons. Wow, he’s slated to die in less than a day and his life keeps getting worse and worse!

If Tony were really as brilliant as he thinks he is, this thing would have only lasted three or four episodes.

6:14 AM

Aaron tells former Chief of Staff, Ethan, that the President’s daughter, Olivia, is behind killing off Jon Voight. He needs Ethan to help him break into Olivia’s office to prove it.

Ethan tells Aaron that helping him would violate a whole bunch of those amendment thingies.

Aaron calls Ethan a pansy. Ethan complies.

Olivia busts in on them. Ethan comes up with some lame excuse about posterity. Olivia dresses down Aaron and then realizes that she’s been played.

Olivia detains Ethan. Ethan looks guiltier than Richard Kimble.

Chloe finds out that Kim is being held hostage, which is impressive seeing that Kim doesn’t even realize it yet.

“Kim Bauer to the convenience phone. Kim Bauer to the convenience phone.”

“Kim, you’re in danger”

“Not again.”

Kim realizes that her new male friend is creepy and overweight. Can she possibly ditch these people? Will the FBI get there before her sort of captor realizes that there is something wrong?

Nope.

Shoot out.

The evil woman has Kim with a knife to her throat.

Kim goes Sara Conner on her and stabs her in the leg with a pen! The woman is shot and killed. The man escapes. Renee needs to tell Kim something important, but her cell phone dies.

Amazing, almost half of the commercials for this show are for wireless firms. Why would you sponsor a show that shows your product failing at every key moment?

“So what's that I smell of sour cream and failure.” I’ve seen that commercial 12 times and I still have no idea what company it is telling me to use.

6:30 AM

Olivia threatens to strip search Ethan. Ethan and Olivia bicker over the recording.

Ethan wants to speak to the President. Olivia brings the law down on Ethan.

Olivia breaks the recording, but it turns out that Ethan slipped her a fake. Aaron is impressed by Ethan’s cunning. Ethan tells Aaron that he knew she was an evil little whore from the first day he met her.

Jack realizes what Tony has him in for. He’s less than pleased.

They strap him to a table and drug him.

Tony asks for a raise! Tony wants to meet the mysterious head guy of the evil league of private contractors. If Tony becomes good again, I may have to gouge my eyes out with a fork.

The evil doctor starts giving Jack some bio weapon liposuction. Jack screams. I wonder if Kiefer screamed while he was head butting that guy a few weeks ago. It would definitely make it scarier, but I’d be so honored to be attacked by Jack Bauer that I’d let it slide.

6:45 AM

Renee gets to the airport to save Kim. Kim is actually trailing the guy, who was supposed to be kidnapping her. That seems pretty stupid to me. Isn’t following him, what he’d be telling her to do if she was still under his control?

Kim comes to her senses and finds a cop, which probably means that that cop is toast.

And the cop is dead. Didn’t see that one coming did I?

The kidnapper flips his stolen ride.

Kim goes after the bad guy’s lap top. She is soon on fire. The creepy dude explodes. Kim gets away and explains to Renee that she heard that the creepy dude had tons of great music in his iTunes folder. Either that or it might help them save her father; I’m pretty lost at this point.

6:54 AM

Ethan goes to his car to listen to the audio of Olivia’s secret conversations. It’s so hot that he becomes aroused.

The doctor tells Tony that Jack is dust by the end of tonight’s episode. They are going to try to keep him alive until they are ready to harvest his organs. I’d pay at least $5,000 for Jack Bauer’s gallbladder.

The evil woman gives Tony the job recommendation that he wanted. Her boss is coming down to meet Tony. Meet him or kill him, whatever the mood dictates.

The evil doctors look like they are about to anally probe Jack.

Whoaaaaaaahhh, Jack’s been playing possum! Jack goes ballistic on all the evil doctors. There are no survivors. Jack escapes, but Tony’s not far behind.

Odds on Jack dying in the next hour: 8-1 against.

Odds on Tony at some point being revealed to be good again: Even money.

Odds on me enjoying the Glee Premiere: 2-3 for.

7:01 AM

Chloe and Janice examine the lap top. Kim reminds us that Jack is dying.

Jack is trying to steal a taxi cab. Tony tries to stop him. Shoot out. More dripping gasoline.

Jack is lighting a flare.

Tony stops him from lighting himself on fire. Should we be happy about this?

Ethan and Aaron bring down the hammer on Olivia. Which is worse, the fact that she tried to cover up having someone killed or the fact that she disappointed Aaron?

Olivia begs for mercy. Ethan says that he’s going to leave it up to the President to punish her or not. Apparently, you can be a fully grown, Chief of Staff, but it’s still up to your mother to punish you or not.

Jack yells at Tony.

“Please let me die in peace!”

Here it comes . . . . Tony is going good, again! Wait actually; it’s about avenging Michelle’s death, and every bad thing that has happened on this show over the past five seasons.

Jack and Tony have a huge debate as to whether Tony is good or evil. Tony explains that only the most clever dude of all time could be good, when he was being evil, when he was being heroic, when he was actually being evil …when he was really supposed to be dead the whole time. Kiefer tells Tony not to forget whose show this is.

So is Tony evil? Sages may argue over this question for the rest of time.

Tony intends to use an exploding Jack to kill the guy behind the guy behind the guy behind killing his wife, Michelle, and former all American good guy, David Palmer. He's probably the guy behind steroids in baseball too.

My mind should be reeling over that last scene, but frankly I’m just dying to see this end already.

7:14 AM

Alan Wilson, who is supposedly THE ultimate bad guy of all million seasons of 24 arrives in a limo to meet Tony.

Alan tells Tony that he has been an asset. Tony seems about to blow up Jack, but Renee and the FBI cavalry arrive.

Chaos, shooting, gasoline, helicopters, fires, explosions, Jack is free but his mouth and hands are duct taped. And you wonder why he has to head butt people?

Renee tries to disarm Jack. Jack explains the entire season’s final plot to Renee. Renee tells Jack that none of it makes any sense. Jack screams “JUST GO WITH IT” at Renee.

Tony shoots the woman who just recommended him for a promotion.

Tony is in full revenge mode. Alan Wilson claims his innocence. Tony isn’t buying any of it.

Pain, sorrow, anger, a few kicks to Alan Wilson's gut. Tony reveals the final kicker. Michelle was pregnant when Alan offed her. “You killed my Son, MY SOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. And now I’m going to kill you.”

I’d give Tony’s scream about a B+ on the Angelina Jolie “MY SOOOOONNNNNNN” scale.

Jack pops in and saves Alan Wilson. Tony gets shot. Tony unloads years and years of being the second banana rage at Jack as the FBI carts him away.

Can you imagine how complicated Tony’s trial is going to be? That thing won’t go to the jury for decades.

Jack suddenly remembers that he is dying. Did someone really get paid to write all this nonsense?

Commercial informs us that we can buy this season of 24 tomorrow! I barely want to watch the last 30 minutes much less relive all this idiocy tomorrow.

Chances of watching Season 7 of 24 and ever wanting to watch it on DVD: 500-1 against.

7:31 AM

Renee accuses Alan Wilson of being more evil than Hitler. Wilson admits that he’s evil, but brags that he is too smart to have left behind any evidence of that. Renee spits on him because, well, what else can she do?

Renee wants to go all Jack Bauer on Alan Wilson’s ass, but she needs Jack’s help. Sadly, Jack is having a huge existential nightmare over the fact that he can’t follow the plot. Renee yells, “JUST GO WITH IT!”

I think it is Tony’s contention that there is a bigger picture that Jack doesn’t see. It’s the Hiroshima argument. Tony claims to be more heroic in the long term than Jack.

Jack is like, “Dude, I see a bus about to blow up, I try to stop the bus from blowing up. I’m not as super-intelligent as Tony is.”

Jack seems fine, with the fact that he’s about to die.  He doesn’t seem so good with every heroic thing he’s ever done on this show being categorized as a humongous waste of time.

7:37 AM

Olivia is about to come clean to Mom and Dad. This is probably going to be worse than when she had to tell them she had an abortion in high school.

Olivia tells her parents that she murdered Jon Voight.

Tears… Shock.

What will the President do with this info? My mom would forgive me.

Daddy, couldn’t care less about Jon Voight.  He’s actually pretty impressed with Olivia’s get up and go.

Dad blames Mom’s job for their son being killed and finally leaps into the pants of this relationship by ordering his wife to cover up for Olivia.

The President weighs the awful reality of having to choose between the Country and her family.  She seems very noble.

A doctor tells Jack that he is “worm food”.

But wait … Jack has called the Muslim cleric in to apparently apologize for all his bad deeds. Oh my God, now I see why the Republicans are so upset about the Obama apologies.

The Muslim cleric tells Jack that he is only human.

Damn It. He is not. He is Jack FREAKIN’ Bauer!

I think Jack just accepted Islam on his death bed.

God this is horrific. It’s almost as mind blowing as finding out that Liberace was gay.

Odds on Jack dying in the next 14 minutes: Even money!

“He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it felt,” I have no idea what those commercials are advertising either.

9:51 AM

What’s Olivia’s father’s title? First Gentleman?

The President has made up her mind. She apologizes to her remaining family for being ambitious, but she chooses her nobility over her daughter. “I’m the President. That still means something on this show. You’re under arrest, honey!”

Take her away, Aaron.

The First Gentleman cries. Everyone’s heart is breaking.

Will the First Man forgive the Madame President? Not sure, but my guess is that there won’t be any sex in the White House for a while.

My mother would go down in history as worse than Richard Nixon for me, just saying.

Ethan consoles the President, who is crying because she has lost her family. Ethan says that he’ll take his old job back, and oddly enough the President acts like that makes it all better.

Renee is going rogue!! Janeane Garofalo is finally putting her Lefty foot down. Renee handcuffs the bleeding heart. Renee tosses away her badge like Dirty Harry and walks in on Alan Wilson.

Meanwhile, Kim arrives to find Jack in a coma. The Muslim cleric tells Kim about Jack’s death bed conversion. She is unimpressed.

Kim begs the doctor, “Can we still do the stem cell thing?”

Damn, didn’t see that one coming did you?

“It would be a billion to one shot.”

This means that Jack is now 99.99% likely to survive for at least the Season 8 opener. Well, if anyone even wants a Season 8 at this point.

Tony: good or evil? – Infinitely, too complicated to comment on for at least another decade.

I think essentially the show is claiming that the world is way too complicated and confusing to ever tell, which I think is what George W. Bush was claiming about him and Iraq.

Wow, I never thought I’d see 24 become a forum for moral relativism.

Will Jack live? Will Renee torture Alan Wilson?

Odds of me being back to find out: Pretty low.

7:59:59 AM

No silent clock

A better ending: Tony blows Jack up, laughs maniacally in triumph, invades the White House, and takes over as our new fascist leader.

Final Grade for 24: Season 7  D-

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About keithcrime

  • http://theglenblog.blogspot.com Glen Boyd

    Damn that was nearly longer than the season dude. But I also have to admit I found a lot of it pretty funny. Speaking of which…

    Did anyone besides me notice how much the evil guy with Jack’s daughter in the airport looked like R.E.M.’s Peter Buck?

    Maybe he’s still pissed about getting busted for that drunk tirade on a plane a few years back.

    -Glen

  • Brad Laidman

    Does that make Tony, Michael Stipe?

  • tracey

    This season was a bit lame but no where as bad as season 6. That was the worst. Season 5 remains my favorite. Hope season 8 is much better. Hope the new President isn’t as lame as this one and no way as boring as Wayne Palmer. They should have a Black or Asian women for President.

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