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Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton Have Holes In Their Wardrobes

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Lindsay Lohan's vagina is all the rage these days. First it got its very own name, "Firecrotch," as dubbed by the "Greasy Bear" oil heir Brandon Davis during a now infamous rant in the company of a tittering Paris Hilton.

As if the public hadn't had enough of "Firecrotch" in both name and spirit, Lindsay has now twice in as many weeks revealed not a "fire-crotch" but rather a shaved and saggy hooch to the press, her adoring fans, frightened fauna, and future generations who will sadly ponder what the hell was wrong with their ancestors.

FPhotobucket - Video and Image Hostingirst, numerous sites popped up with photos of Lindsay stepping out of a boat in Venice to promote her new movie Bobby, which clearly show Lindsay loaded for bare.

The Lilo bald eagle was bad enough, but then her agents were exposed attempting a photo-doctoring cover-up, which generated as much outrage as the initial peek at her naughty bits.

Subsequent photos with poorly photoshopped undies in place helped create enough air of confusion as to question which was real and which was fake. Celeb gossip site, The Superficial did some digging and determined that the original from the photo agency with Lohan's high-and-tight exposed was the real deal.

For you pervs, here's a close up of the nation's treasure.Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Fast forward a week and a new locale, this time London, and Lindsay is again spotted completely unaware of the draftiness about her nether regions. The photo at right has been sanitized for your protection. The real deal is a staggeringly stark close up shot of her Brazilian, and the detail is spectacular and undeniably Lohan (not for the weak of constitution).

Holy Missing Undergarments, Batman!

Showing the naked knuckerhole is not a new trend. Cutting-edger Paris Hilton did it long before she was just Paris. Exposing one's va-jay-jay (as all the kids call it) must be the new haute couture, but only if you are a desperate, attention-seeking, sloppy hosepot.

For Paris' va-jay-jay, gander hither, but I suggest some kind of protective eyewear.

What, the confluence of dress or skirt, unadorned womb spout, photographers, and motor vehicles never strikes these people as potentially, um, perilous?

Chances are pretty good that you won't find celebrities like Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, or even Katie Holmes going commando in public. Decent people are taught to not only wear undergarments, but to keep them clean even.

Lindsay's mother, Dinah Lohan, must be some kind of a crusty skank herself — if I had such a high-profile, paparazzi-magnet tramp of a daughter who was caught by the camera in such an "exposed" manner, I would have lit into her like a lighthouse and you could be sure such an "incident" would have occurred only ONCE.

As for Paris' mother — dear lord, she must have given up hope around the time One Night In Paris hit the streets.

Not to put too fine a point on the business end of Lindsay's "business," but these tawdry acts and less than professional behavior are giving her more than a bad rep — it's affecting her career. Unlike Paris, who has become famous for being a rich slut, Lindsay has potential to be something more than a piece of overpriced Hollywood alley trash. She has — dare we say — talent.

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingJust ask "Hanoi" Jane Fonda, Lohan's co-star on the film Georgia Rule and an expert in youthful displays of idiocy. Ms. Fonda spoke out about the 20 year-old Lohan on the NBC's Today show, openly siding with Morgan Creek Studio exec George J. Robinson, who chided Ms. Lohan sternly in well-publicized memo for her "unprofessional" behavior while on the set and general discourteousness toward her fellow actors.

Fonda stated, "She parties all the time … And you know, LindsayCrackShot2she's young and she can get away with it. But, you know, it's hard after a while to party very hard and work very hard. She learned that, I hope."

You tell her, Barbarella.

Even if Lindsay has learned a lesson or two about on-set behavior, she is still clueless about completing an ensemble that covers all her bits and pieces. What's up Lindsay, ya never heard of a thong? And let us not forget Lindsay's crack shot for the kiddies at April's Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards show.

It's called modesty, decorum, and taste. And aren't you concerned 'bout something crawling up there?

Clearly, Lindsay did not get enough hugs as a kid. For this, we are all sad, but with a therapist and some good clean underwear, there is hope.

And as for Paris, it's only a matter of time before the herpititis she and Travis Barker are creating will be her undoing — until then, just keep your distance.

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About Dawn Olsen

  • Michele

    They must have holes elsewhere too.

    They are so gross!

  • Eric Olsen

    I see readers are stunned into silence by the ickyness of it all – not all news is pretty

  • Mark Saleski

    i woulda never thought that i’d be repulsed by a woman going commando. dang.

  • Eric Olsen

    that extreme shaving thing is most unappealing, like a recovering surgery patient or something

  • Dawn

    For being such young women, their vjj’s are looking a bit haggard. I would hate to see those pups after a couple of vaginal deliveries – of children that is.

    I am sorry I even had to bring all this to the attention of our lovely BC readers, but dammit – someone has to do the dirty work.

  • http://www.moviesteve.blogspot.com Steve C.

    I’ll bet someone could put together a PowerPoint presentation featuring those two Hay Nanny Nannies. It’d work along the lines of those WWII VD videos — shock the kids into good behavior. “Now girls, this is what you’ll look like if you give it up to everyone with a penis and a handful of peanuts!”

    Imagine what horrors their nethers will hold in another twenty years. Yecch. Can you say “prolapsed”?

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Sweet Matilda’s hymen- oh, wait… I can see how that would be a poor turn of phrase in light of…

    This is your vjj on drugs…

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com/ Eric Berlin

    You had me at “Lindsay Lohan’s vagina is all the rage these days,” Dawn!

    PS – Who came up with “vjj” ?

  • Mark Saleski

    i really hope something like this doesn’t happen with scarlett johansson….because, like, i’d hate to see the damage it would do to pwinn.

  • Eric Olsen

    God made pubic hair and underwear for a reason

  • Mark Saleski

    to protect pwinn?

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    I am sure that was His reason, Sir Saleski.

  • Eric Olsen

    I’m not sure how I feel about the glamorized version of Scarlett – in some ways I prefer the frumpy version

  • Dawn

    Who came up with vjj? That’s like asking who invented the internets – I mean who can really say who invented the internet?

    Okay, I borrowed it, but I get credit for recognizing it’s relevance right?

  • Eric Olsen

    you’re an assimilator, Dawn

  • http://absent-mind.blogspot.com/ Jet in Columbus

    Dawn’s a Borg?… Resistance is futile?

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    That second Lindsay photo should have the caption, “Turn and cough” or something.

  • http://bonamassablog.us Joan Hunt

    va-jay-jay was, I believe, most recently used on Grey’s Anatomy by the Nazi. It was actually quite funny coming from her mouth.

    What’s not funny is this current bunch of young women running around flashing their goods like they have to prove they have, um, them. I don’t get it. I think it’s the “I wanna be an adult film star” craze, but who knows?

  • STM

    This is the best story on here all week.

    An absolute fuc.ing classic.

  • Dawn

    I think you might be on to something Joan. There’s always the doubt that they don’t have
    V-unit – and then what purpose would either of them have for existing?

    Those two give vaginas a bad name.

  • http://journals.aol.com/vicl04/THESAVAGEQUIETSEPTEMBERSUN/ Victor Lana

    Dawn, it’s obvious these two nut-jobs have holes in their heads as well as their, uhm, wardrobe.

  • bree

    Okay, hang on a sec. What’s up with calling the aforementioned va-jay-jays “saggy” or “haggard” or, ecch, “prolapsed”?
    Lovely labia come in all shapes and sizes – innies and outies, if you will. It has nothing to do with activity level – you’re just born that way.
    Please, can we not give the girls of America one more thing to be horribly insecure about?

    But the shaving? Is so unnatural and wrong. And uglifying.

  • Mohjho

    HAHAHAHHAAHAHA…”vjj”…heheheehhe…oh my..

  • STM

    What’s wrong with calling the aforementioned va-jay-jays vaginas, the same as my 11-year-old does?

    Immediately followed by incessant tittering.

  • kensaku

    I totally understand all points made by the author, but she presumes acceptance of “standards” which are completely arbitrary. Too many hot summer days have I wished I could walk around naked. It makes sense. Maybe some sandals to protect my feet, clothes if I’m operating machinery or something, but really, and I mean completely and absolutely, being naked (or partly) is only bad because you say it is.

  • STM

    Kensaku said: “I totally understand all points made by the author, but she presumes acceptance of “standards” which are completely arbitrary. Too many hot summer days have I wished I could walk around naked. It makes sense. Maybe some sandals to protect my feet, clothes if I’m operating machinery or something, but really, and I mean completely and absolutely, being naked (or partly) is only bad because you say it is.”

    Move to Australia, where various states of undress are the norm, rather than the exception – Sydney even has beaches around the harbour where it’s perfectly acceptable and legal to wear nothing but a birthday suit. At the main beaches, women can sunbathe and swim topless without being arrested. The downside of that is that boys aged 14-19 are constantly asking them the time.

    Beware, however, when discussing the wearing of thongs. In Australia, a thong is a piece of essential footwear made from two bits of rubber, worn everywhere in summer, including the office on weekends, the pub and look fantastic when accessorised with a ute (pick-up truck), T-shirt and a pair of footy shorts.

    Not to be confused with the G-string.

    We are one people separated by the barrier of a common language.

    And the true meaning and function of the thong.

    Also, if you’re rooting for a football team in Australia you are in big trouble.

    You work it out

  • http://www.earsucker.com Roberta

    These pictures made me throw up in my mouth a little. Funny article, though.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    Vjj? Is that plural or would it be vjji? Classicly funny stuff, Dawn.

  • http://comcasr.net Bill

    Please..let’s get the anatomical nomenclature right! I female cannot expose her vagina because it’s internal like the cervix and uterus. What we’re seeing from Lindsay and Paris are shaved mons pubis and labia majora. Sadly, what we are not seeing is any hint of adult behavior.

  • http://jonsobel.com/ Jon Sobel

    If all writing about celebs was this entertaining, I might read some once in a while. It sure beats the pants off newspaper gossip pages. Wait – “pants off” is the whole problem, isn’t it…

  • ERica

    their gross.wats up with their crotch lookin likes its gunna fall off ew!!

  • amber

    hey,
    their just living life the way they want too

  • Donnie Marler

    Dawn has discovered and presented the antidote for horny.

    Perhaps I’m just too damned old, but neither of these ladies ever struck me as appealing.

  • http://hm... justin

    wow. why don’t you date girls paris!!

  • nicholas pussy eater

    i wanna lick ‘em dry hoe’s. :D

  • Stacy

    How can she be a fire-crotch when there is no fire?

  • will

    dont mind seein ether 1 NAKED its hot

  • Va-J-Jay Muncher

    sure… looking at it is just absolutely gross… beat off gross… please…

  • Va-J-Jay Muncher

    sure… looking at it is just absolutely gross… whack off gross…yeah right…..

  • http://www.elitebloggers.com Dave Nalle

    It’s not Lindsay’s privates which trouble me so much in those pictures, but the view of her creepy emaciated arms. Take a close look at her left shoulder in the picture where she’s coming out of the boat. Looks like she has some sort of flesh-eating bacteria at work.

    Dave

  • http://fhb3.blogspot.com fhb3

    At the risk of getting stoned…

    It looks like they’ve been getting their “no-no places” hit a BIT too much…

  • dude

    i want to see that girl naked dawg

  • sthephany

    lindsay no andes sin ropa interior please…………………………

  • juste me…

    i think the photo of lindsy gettin out of her car is edited….it’s so not real!!! it looks cut off and transformed into smthng awful

  • ZZ

    What is this, the Young Republicans for Jesus? I’ve never seen so many Victorian prudes clucking disapproval of partial nudity. Cluck-cluck-cluck. “Did you EVER?” “No! I NEVER!” Cluck-cluck-cluck.

    To the self-righteous lady who advised moving to a nude beach in Australia: YOU are the one who needs to move–to the far north. Join the Eskimos. You will see very little nudity there. You and your 19th-century Victorian standards will be safe. :)

    Z

  • Eric D.

    Man I love those two juicy cunts. They taste so wet and sweet in my mouth. I want those pussies all night.