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Life As A Klutzy, Unlucky Man

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Sometimes I’m not the smoothest guy in the world. That is a nice, indirect way of saying that I’m a klutz.

You? I know you’re saying, the guy who is lucky if his socks match, you’re not all together all the time? I’m afraid not.

Recently, for example, I was supposed to drive down to Poolesville, Md, to meet some friends for a mountain bike ride. I was driving past Middletown when I did an inventory check. Me? Check. My bike helmet? Check. Bike water bottle? Check. Bicycle? Bicycle? I knew I had forgotten something.

I returned home, grabbed the bike, and left again, only I got lost and by the time I got there my friends were done biking and had split.

Welcome to my klutzy world.

A world where I sprained my ankle when I missed a step while carrying some boxes for a friend moving out of a second story building.

A world where I almost did the same thing soon after while helping another friend move. Not to mention that I hit my head not once or twice but three times on the stairs. You’d think I’d notice. Well, I did notice the pain, I just forgot to duck.

And then there was my bad pants day. I do my laundry at a laundromat and I fold most of the pants but I apparently missed one. Usually if I find a pair of wrinkled pants I can hang it on top of a door and the wrinkles go off to wrinkleland.

When I slipped these pants on before work I thought they were wrinkle-free.

The first clue there was a problem came when a colleague gave me a look. I couldn’t read the look. Then I heard him say, “Excuse me for a minute.” He interrupted the interview so he could turn to me and say, “Do you have time to go back and change those,” pointing at my pants.

I told him that no, I had to attend a meeting in ten minutes. He grimaced on my behalf and resumed his interview.

I hoped that by walking the wrinkles would go away but alas, it was not so. After that, I stood up less than usual. The fewer trips to get water or tea, the less chance of people noticing the incredible amount of wrinkles between my knees and ankles.

Later, two other colleagues pointed out the problem to me and I walked around more self-conscious than ever.

I thought of going next door to the laundromat to toss my pants in the dryer for 10 minutes but I just didn’t feel like doing a strip show in the laundromat. Especially not the one right next door to work. Especially for free. (That’s a joke, for the record.)

Those pants have been retired. Punished for their bad behavior. Sent to Goodwill, unless that establishment rejected them too. On second thought… maybe I should have removed the wrinkles first.

Meanwhile, I’ve been more careful about my clothing selections. So if you happen to see a guy limping, trying to bike, but without the bike, or having a bad clothes day, don’t be surprised, just give him some sympathy, empathy, or aspirin.

About Scott Butki

Scott Butki was a newspaper reporter for more than 10 years before making a career change into education... then into special education. He has been doing special education work for about five years He lives in Austin. He reads at least 50 books a year and has about 15 author interviews each year and, yes, unlike tv hosts he actually reads each one. He is an in-house media critic, a recovering Tetris addict and a proud uncle. He has written articles on practically all topics from zoos to apples and almost everything in between.
  • http://chantalstone.blogspot.com chantal stone

    LOL, this is hilarious, Scott! great piece…and remember, your klutziness is endearing! ;)

  • Scott Butki

    Thanks. I was debating whether this was funny
    or pitiful.
    But I’ll settle for endearing.

  • http://www.clatch.blogspot.com A.L. Harper

    It made me want to give you a hug.

  • http://midnitcafe.blogspot.com Mat Brewster

    I hear ya man. I’ve got the klutz gene as well. I once left an iron sitting on a pair of pants and it left a dark iron shaped burn stain right on my khakis. And I thought those only existed in cartoons.

    Yesterday I wore a nice comfy shirt to work. Looked good I thought. Then my boss comes to me and informs me that there are two big old holes in the armpits. The nest four hours until lunch, when I could change, was a constant barage of folks telling me about the holes.

    Is there some kind of self help group for klutzes?

  • Scott Butki

    There IS A self-help group for klutzes but unfortunately its members keep forgetting the address for it.

  • http://elvirablack.blogspot.com/ Elvira Black

    Ah, Scott, it’s all in the context, methinks.

    If you wore the wrinkled pants to one of those open mics with the acoustic emo performers, I’ll bet there’d be some women there who would find it well-nigh irresistible. In that more boho, casual environment, I think it would spell “devil may care, sensitive artist type” loud and clear–kind of like Kurt Cobain with those moth-eaten sweaters and unwashed hair. I mean, I don’t think Kurt had the time or inclination for knitting, folding, and ironing in the grand scheme of things.

    But seriously, I loved this–it IS endearing! I say, run with it and let it work for you!

  • Scott Butki

    Next time I see someone look at my wrinkled shirt I’ll just think,”Irons are for other people. I’m endearing, dammnit!”
    :)

  • Scott Butki

    Oh my, I just did one of the dumbest, klutziest things I’ve done in a while:
    I put laundry in a laundramat,
    went to relax, listen to music, work on a piece for this site and next thing I know it’s 9:05.
    The laundramat closes at 9. It opens again at 6.
    I have no clean pants.

    So tomorrow i’ll get up at 6, before work, and hope to retrieve my clothes.

  • Scott Butki

    The good news I successfully retrieved all of my clothes.