I don't watch enough TV. I confess to this character flaw, and I promise to work on it.
But still, I do have my shows. And my shows got nominated for Emmy awards. And they all lost — which, by association, means I'm a loser too. And I'm not too pleased about it.
I'll be the first one to admit that Boston Legal is a severely flawed series. So Candice Bergen didn't win — fine: Anyone wearing that dress didn't deserve to win. But Denny Crane? Denny Crane! The greatest presence on network television since Archie Bunker… losing to Alan Alda's dreary West Wing character? Unbelievable… lock and load.
And why wasn't James Spader even nominated? Doesn't anyone else remember the Shatner/Spader mambo dancing scene — easily the most amazing thing on TV last season? And those brilliant balcony scenes between the two of them? I thought these guys were America's favorite couple… is the honeymoon over already?
As for my beloved Curb Your Enthusiasm: Shafted. Four nominations, zero wins. Sure, The Office is a masterpiece — and it was on the BBC network several years ago. By all means, buy the DVDs. But Curb deserved the Emmy. Or at least Cheryl Hines deserved one instead of that "actress" from the finally cancelled Will & Grace series who couldn't even deliver a coherent acceptance speech.
And that Monk guy from Monk beats Larry David for best actor in a comedy? Is Monk still on the air? Has anyone ever seen it? At least Larry had the presence of mind to stay home last night. And Jeff Garlin wasn't even nominated? That's just a big bowl of wrong, my friends…
And then there was the Manilow incident. I happened to witness the end of his monstrosity of a "variety or music program" on PBS not long ago, during a particularly shameless barrage of pledge drive programming. If they're giving out Emmys for "so incredibly awful you can't avert your eyes from the wreckage" — well, then Barry definitely earned it. Mad props.
Fashion-wise, skin was definitely in — but the less said about Simon Cowell's plunging neckline the better…
In the dwindling Reality Series category, The Amazing Race — which I don't understand for the life of me — somehow beat Survivor… and even Project Runway, a show that I've never seen but everyone else seems to love so much. (By the way, where's the love for The Dog Whisperer?)
And there were those same four "miniseries or movies" that I didn't watch nominated in every applicable category since those were apparently the only miniseries and/or movies that aired last year.
Finally, of course, we all witnessed the apocalyptic Charlie's Angels reunion, which went something like this….
The first angel sounded her trumpet, and there came hail and fire mixed with blood, and it was hurled down upon the earth. A third of the earth was burned up, a third of the trees were burned up, and all the green grass was burned up.
The second angel sounded her trumpet, and something like a huge mountain, all ablaze, was thrown into the sea. A third of the sea turned into blood, a third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.
The third angel sounded her trumpet, and a great star, blazing like a torch, fell from the sky on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water – the name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters turned bitter, and many people died from the waters that had become bitter.
And then… I went to bed.