Dear Osama Bin Laden:
My party is going to lose the election and they’re all going to say it’s my fault because of the Iraq War and because the Shiites and Sunnis are so unbipartisan.
You owe me, Osama. I haven’t been trying to catch you for five years now. In fact, I closed down the CIA operation in charge of catching you.
So please do something. A dirty bomb, a video, a message — anything to scare the American people into voting for me again.
If you do, I promise to keep on doing nothing to catch you. I have always needed you un-caught so I could use terrorism as my big –- and now only — election platform.
But you’ve got to play fair with me yourself. You need me, too. Who else is going to play into your hands and make enemies for America everywhere, so you always come out on top in the propaganda war? Who else is going to let you win the war on terror? Not any Democrat. Only I, George W. Bush, have the ability to keep you alive and winning the battle for the hearts and minds of Muslims all over the world.
You can’t let me down this time, because I have never let you down.
Strike. Now. Please. There’s only one day to go.
Your partner in terror,