So the political circus — it is ON, mother…
"SHUT YO MOUTH!"
But I'm talking about McCain!
"Then we can't dig it."
I'm a Democrat through and through; I bleed liberalism. However, as a (very) amateur armchair political analyst, I think John McCain's selection of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate has many advantages — at least, based on what I can determine from approximately ten minutes of Internet research as I wait to leave the office for lunch.
1. She has no penis. At least, none that I personally know of. Selecting a woman to join the ticket is an obvious play for disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters, and if McCain can move his language and positioning toward the center for the run-up to the general election, it may trick the die-hard Clintonites into believing that the McCain/Palin vote is a vote for the same values Hillary holds dear.
It's not, but whatever. As long as there's no penis!
2. She's a kid. Not literally, like a seven-year-old, although I would ABSOLUTELY vote for McCain if he appointed a seven-year-old as his running mate, despite my Democratic allegiance. But she's young, compared to McCain, who is an old fart, let's all be honest here. No matter how brilliant a politician and leader he may be to the GOP faithful, we've all gotta admit he probably smells a little like Ben-Gay and root beer candies up close.
Obama's young; Palin's young. Now McCain has a built-in response to anyone who suggests that his Presidency would lack youthful energy. He's also got a response for anyone thinking his presidency would become insider politics as usual, because…
3. She's a "political outsider." At least, that's how CNN defines her. Then again, CNN sometimes puts videos of dogs on skateboards on their main page as "news," so what do they know?
Obama's camp went the exact opposite road; with a candidate who has tried to define himself as a Washington "outsider" with new ideas and a fire for change; they selected a running mate who's the definition of Washington "insider" and can nip the whole "waah, waah, Obama doesn't have experience" issue in the bud. He may not have experience, but he sure as damn tootin' hell has Senator Joe Biden.
So now McCain, an insider if there ever was one, has an outsider for a running mate. The suggestion they'd like you to believe is that every time President McCain wants to make some standard move that plays into classic Washington politics, Vice President Palin will be there to slap his wrist and suggest some bold outsider strategy, like having the yearly White House Easter Egg Hunt in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue.
In reality, Vice President Palin will probably be attending state dinners in Upper Mongolia most of the time.
(Is Upper Mongolia really a place? Do they have state dinners? What do they serve? Would I like it?)
4. She's hardcore on energy policy. McCain can stay on the high road with his "don't drill" philosophy while Palin stumps for sticking big steel needles in any ground that may bubble up black gold and/or Texas tea. Yet she also supports environmental development and stewardship of the earth in some ways, too. It's fascinating to watch the Republicans make a move on the middle by coming out as big environmentalists; it's a pretty smart tactic since it claims territory that Obama hasn't been campaigning hard to claim himself, and it distances the McCain ticket from the current president and his policies. Palin can only help in this ongoing effort.
5. Her personal details read like the bio on the back of a centerfold in Hawt Conservative Babes magazine. She hunts and then SHE EATS WHAT SHE KILLS. She's a card-carrying member of the freakin' NRA. According to Wikipedia, she has used marijuana, BUT DID NOT LIKE IT. Man, if she's a devout Christian, she's like the dream running mate for McCain. Stir in some folksy charm, and the FOX News pundits will be drooling all over their Brooks Brothers ties with chaste desire.
You couldn't make me vote for any McCain ticket if you stuck sparklers under my toenails and made me dance the macarena. Strategically, though, it's a savvy move, and should make for an interesting campaign… I hope. For me, the only thing worse than Republican politics are boring politics.