She was just a Monroe, Michigan teacher looking to spice up her life, and peppering in some chillies was not the right kind of seasoning. Instead, Kelly Ann Abdo ordered a dash of sex with a student in a car, which is how, y'know, high school students have sex these days. You gotta hand it to this generation: at least they learn from their elders in this regard, even if they shun the concept of tight-fitting pants.
(Let me get this reference out of the way. A hot 27-year-old female teacher and an 18-year-old male student? Doin' it? [medium pause] Nice!)
Abdo was eventually dismissed from her job after she pleaded no contest to one count of indecent exposure, which is tantamount to removing one's pants at the movie theater. She didn't get in trouble because she was playing backseat driver to a student. He was of age! No, t’was because the car was parked on a road, which belongs to everyone, and everyone doesn't need to see that (although a select, lonely few might disagree).
As non-statutory as that is, part of her plea agreement was that she cannot apply to be a teacher anywhere for two years. So she can only make house calls to seniors who need emergency one-on-one tutoring in:
• Physical education
• Empathetic calculus (wherein the student learns what it's like to be dy/dx and lie tangential to one's curves)
Hopefully Abdo's mistakes will educate any teachers who must insist on a sexual tryst with the boy she kissed that made the dean's list:
1. No cars. Apartments? Hotels? Lean-tos? These are all great places for the dirty deed. But not a parked car. The only exception is if non-economic stimulus is provided while driving, and even then, WATCH THE ROAD, SON.
2. No rings. Adultery is not a crime, but holy matrimony, this facet of the affair is far worse than proximity to the road’s shoulder. A maiden name will not make you unpopular in the media, because they didn't seem to harp on this fact that much. But if you don't have a spouse at home, this helps resolve Error No. 1, and frees up your dwelling for romance.
3. No MySpace. This is just sound advice in general. Haven't most people in trouble for sexploits been in the MySpace crowd, instead of Facebook? You never hear of child molesters’ LinkedIn profiles on Nancy Grace's desk or having someone's Classmates page shared amongst bloggers. No, that usually happens with MySpace photos, and that certainly happened here.
4. Keep it over 17. It looks like Abdo learned from her own mistake. This 18-year-old was her second cougar lunch. Her first fling was with a then-17-year-old. This makes it illegal in Michigan, but c'mon, there's not much difference between the sexual capability of high school juniors and seniors.
5. Empty your cache. This part's great. Police reports said that Abdo's computer was seized and police found a history of searches, including:
• "sex laws between teachers and students under 18 in Michigan"
• "DNA forensic evidence"
• "registered sex offender"
• "subpoenaing text message records"
• "how long text messages are stored"
In this case, another search might be useful too. But I’ll answer that last question. Text messages are stored eternally on Verizon's servers until such a time as FOX Detroit's Huel Perkins reads them on the air; then they are purged from the database.
Godspeed, potential lovebirds.