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Katrina: How Much Do You Really Know? (Take the Test!)

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1) Hurricane Katrina was caused by:

a) a low pressure area that moved west from the coast of Africa — gaining power as it moved into the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico.
b) the Bush administration’s refusal to sign the Kyoto Accords.
c) elitist, left-wing blowhards spewing too much empty hot air from the liberal elitist East Coast of the U.S.
d) Pat Robertson praying to God — asking Him to assassinate the President of Venezuela — but God apparently has a shitty aim.

2) FEMA and the Federal Government response was slow because:

a) they didn’t understand the magnitude of the destruction.
b) they weren’t asked by local Democratic officials until it was too late.
c) they were busy installing Port-A-Potties for the upcoming “Freedom March” celebration staged by the Pentagon in memory of 9/11.
d) the hurricane didn’t resemble an Arabian Horse Competition.

3) New Orleans was built in a bowl below sea level because:

a) it was at the mouth of what was then the Mississippi River — and the most important commercial shipping center in North America.
b) the view was great!
c) its Christian founders had convinced the locals that the earth was flat.
d) they figured the surrounding higher elevations would make a good wind-break in the event of a hurricane.

4) The people unable to evacuate New Orleans were primarily:

a) people too poor to afford cars, bus tickets, or other means to leave.
a) dumb-assed, uneducated, unemployable Negroes.
b) dumb-assed, uneducated, unemployable Democrats.
c) wanting to get a free trip to Texas.

5) The standing water in New Orleans primarily contains:

a) feces and trash.
b) toxic chemicals and building materials.
c) dumb-assed, uneducated, unemployable Negro Democrats.
d) about the same stuff as is currently allowed by EPA standards for drinking water that were ‘relaxed’ once Bush took office.

6) Katrina caused oil prices to go higher because:

a) of damage to drilling platforms and refineries in the Gulf of Mexico.
b) of damage to pipelines between the Gulf Coast and New England.
c) the Enron Building in Houston will be used as housing for evacuees — and somebody’s gotta pay for it!
d) Sorry! “d” has been vetted by Dick Cheney’s office and will remain “Classified” based on his claim of “Executive Privilege” — and fuck off if you don’t like it!

7) Bush will expedite the investigation into what went wrong with FEMA and the initial federal response because:

a) he wants to protect America from future disasters.
b) he learned a lot about lying, misinformation, distractions, scapegoating, and delays from the 9/11 Commission’s inquiry.
c) he wants to blame the local Democratic administrators for everything.
d) it takes heat off Karl Rove/Plamegate, the ongoing disaster in Iraq, and the Cindy Sheehan situation.

8) The future of New Orleans should be determined by:

a) its residents.
b) the Federal Government — which will have to foot the bill.
c) a national referendum.
d) the French Quarter’s timely ability to deliver beer, prostitutes, and drunk topless vacationers back on a relatively clean and dry Bourbon Street.


add up your total based on the following values:

a = 1
b = 2
c = 3
d = 4

0 – 8 — You’re a genius — and you’ve been watching WAY too much FOX News.
9 – 16 — You’re a left-wing socialist pinko who gets most of your marching orders from Moveon.org.
17 – 25 — You’re a racist, right-wing, reactionary nut-bar who wears camo outfits, eats undercooked squirrel brains, and attends neo-nazi meetings in an underground Survivalist bunker.
26 – 36 — You’re a genius! and you’ve been watching WAY too many Micheal Moore documentaries.

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About Mark Shark

  • No, I swear I cooked them thoroughly! (re: my score and what it means…)

  • Dag nab it, DrPat, I toldja not to feed them squirrels with cow brains! Now ya done got yerself some o’ that there mad squirrel disease!

  • I have to appreciate the dualistic nature of the poll, Shark. The structural problem which this creates is that while “a” may be correct in most cases, in question 8 the ultimate correct answer is more likely to be d, with similar possible variations between ideals and reality on some of the other questions.


  • Yeah, Victor — but at least I keep my camo clean.

    And the squirrels fed…

  • nugget

    shark how long did that take you and how much do you get paid?

  • Better than his recent work … and I’ve read even better older stuff … but the man still reminds me of that kid who, when people are about to stop paying attention to him, jumps up and down improvising a dance yelling “Look at me! I can do THIS!” and everyone turns their heads and awes in his prepubescent innocence.

  • RJ

    Pretty funny.

    Unfortunately, I’m now “a left-wing socialist pinko”…

  • Shark

    Guys, nice snag on the squirrel brains. I was hoping someone would do a theme and variations on that one! It’s just too rich not to eventually turn into a new network tv show for the upcoming fall season.

    Who wants to collaborate?!


    Dave: “…the structural problem which this creates is… yada yada yada…”

    Hey, Dave, jeesus, man, it’s a friggin’ joke, okay?

    [shark screaming like Elephant Man: “I’m not George Gallup, I am a human being!”]


    dear nugget,

    it took me about ten minutes — and I get paid NOTHING — my only ‘reward’ is having petty, jealous assholes like Sussman follow me around like a kid who, when people are about to stop paying attention to him, jumps up and down improvising a dance yelling “Look at me! I’m a critic! I can do THIS almost as good as Shark!”


    Dear Sussman,

    most ironic line of yours from another thread: “Don’t feed the troll.”

    PS: Jealous, ain’t cha. heh.