SCENE: The Oval Office. The President is frantically talking into a red phone on his desk.
THE PRESIDENT: This is the President calling Justice League … President calling Justice League … Come in, Justice League … Where the hell are you guys?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Justice League here. Sorry, Mr. President, I was in the bathroo … answering an emergency call. How can we help you? Gosh, it’s been a long time since you picked up the red phone.
THE PRESIDENT: I’m afraid things aren’t going that well lately. I know you guys helped FDR against the Nazis and the Japanese during World War II. Well we’re at war again against an equally dangerous enemy, and your country needs you desperately.
JUSTICE LEAGUE: That’s why we’re here, Mr. President. What do you need us to do?
THE PRESIDENT: Thank God. I’m at my wit’s end over here. All right, I need Superman, Batman and Captain America to establish a perimeter 50 miles south of Baghdad. Then I need Wonder Woman to …
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, Mr. President, I’m afraid some of the superheroes you mentioned are no longer with us.
THE PRESIDENT: Oh really? Which ones?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Actually, all of them sir.
THE PRESIDENT: No Superman?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: No.
THE PRESIDENT: Batman?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Sorry.
THE PRESIDENT: OK then, plan B. Just have Aquaman round up about 30 whales off the coast of Basra …
JUSTICE LEAGUE: I’m afraid he’s gone too, sir.
THE PRESIDENT: Really? You do still have superheroes in the Justice League don’t you?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh yes sir, we’ve got plenty of superheroes.
THE PRESIDENT: Well, would you mind telling me who you’ve got available, I’m in kind of hurry here; we’re losing about 20 soldiers a week in Iraq right now.
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Captain Bullshit is available, and also …
THE PRESIDENT: Did you say Captain Bullshit?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Yes sir.
THE PRESIDENT: What exactly can Captain Bullshit do?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh, he can put together a video tape splicing together out-of-context sound bites from Democratic politicians speaking about Iraq in 2002.
THE PRESIDENT: What the fuck am I going to do with that? How’s that going to help us win the war?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh, well, it’s not exactly going to help win the war, sir, but it will spread the blame around a little when we lose.
THE PRESIDENT: Are you fucking kidding me? Who else you got?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, we’ve got Major Salesjob, Lackeyman, the Profiteer, the Green Dollar…
THE PRESIDENT: What can those guys do?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Major Salesjob has pretty much the same powers as Captain Bullshit. Uh, Lackeyman will tell you that everything is going OK and you’ll be able to at least sleep a little better at night. The Profiteer pretty much tries to find ways to make money on the war. The Green Dollar is pretty much the same as the Profiteer.
THE PRESIDENT: Jesus Christ. What happened to the kinds of superheroes who can run through a machine-gun position or crash through a wall? Do we have anybody like that?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, no sir, I’m afraid we don’t. Oh, wait a minute, I just remembered that the Blue Smear just finished his prior mission and is now available.
THE PRESIDENT: Great, what can he do? Can he locate buried explosives with his X-ray vision?
JUSTICE LEAGUE: No sir. But he can dig up dirt about your political opponents and make them unelectable.
THE PRESIDENT: I’m so fucked.
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