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John Hancock Comes Back to Life, Not as a Zombie

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Two hundred and thirty five years have elapsed since our Continental Congress politely asked the Crown to peaceably sever our bond to the Motherland, whereupon George III, according to rumor, tore up the facsimile we so graciously sent to him across the mighty Atlantic, a journey of some three months no less.

According to a favorite tall tale which keeps my heart warm is that upon seeing my Signature, that old Scoundrel flew into a wild rage and pranced around like a common idiot, so incensed was he our Prideful and Bold action of creating a new Nation, conceived in Liberty and Justice and all that.

Dearest Countrymen: we are in grave peril of transforming into the Empire against which we fought so valiantly and memorably! It may be of some considerable Shock, at very least to esteemed Compatriots, that I am alive at all (much less blaspheming), in light of the Fact that my corporal being ended just seven Years shy of the Nineteenth Century.

America remains a Nation still in thrall to its youth, in comparison with Old Europe, from whose ranks we broke away so definitively and irrevocably and now, drunk with military Power, follow in its well-trod steps. I am moved to write today, for the same reason I felt so moved to write my Name so legibly all of those years ago, that our Leadership means to “Europeanize” our wild & wooly breed of Anglo-Scottish liberty-combatants, a Race that now appears to take up a quite small proportion of the populace.

Not that I am a “hater,” of course. The current President, for whom I was not yet Resurrected to cast my sacred suffrage is, according to pseudo-intelligences from our Southern neighbors, an avowed Mussulman. Yet whether or not this proves true I have not the slightest Opinion or Interest.

Yea, let that be a footnote in comparison to the much more troubling, and more truer, matter of exercising an Imperium throughout the world with-out regard to “a decent respect to the opinions of Mankind,” sacred words to which I co-signed many ages ago. I knew our Founders intimately. Samuel Adams and I were good friends, as all of the learned men of History know. It has come to my attention as well that he makes a fine brew, but that is neither here nor there.

I say with authority that my Brothers in Arms would be as aghast and appalled as I upon looking at our standing Army scattered about the Globe, keeping the peace in nearly all circumstances and for all imagined Reasons. et me be more clear: I am very much in Favor of having good relations with not only our British brethren but all the brethren of Mankind, with whom we can trade and missionize heathens. I was a merchant myself, quite a wealthy one at that. Talk-jobbers enjoy piling on Mr. Romney, the former Governor of Massachusetts (first!), for using his own Monies for campaigns. How does one think I helped our Revolution? I did the selfsame thing; simply explore the Mystical Land of Wikipedia to learn more.

A family friend of mine, John Adams, had a son named John Quincy, who once wrote, quite ineffectually, that we Americans “go not abroad in search of Monsters to destroy.” In-deed, although we support the liberation of all Peoples, our role is not that of the Constabulary Force, but that of the Liberty-Loving Steward. Ms. Bachmann, whose name sounds frankly Hessian, is of the mistaken belief that J.Q. was there with us at the signing of the Declaration. I do not recall seeing any eight-year-olds at the Congress.

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About acacioppo

  • Rather a pretty flamboyant piece of writing for an insurance man. It is, however, the idea of eight-year-olds in Congress that seems appropriate for this intriguing generation of well-heeled business sycophants. Surely recall must be their agenda. After all, such public service is but temporary.

    Tommy Jefferson

  • Glenn Contrarian

    acacioppo –

    Remind me not to tick you off!

    I agree with some of your views and not with others – and of course that’s the way it should be. But I really enjoyed your use of the style and language of the time. I look forward to more articles from you!