Home / Joe Thomas And The Browns: The Last Thing Cleveland Needs Is Another Orange Barrel

Joe Thomas And The Browns: The Last Thing Cleveland Needs Is Another Orange Barrel

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Okay, all you draftniks and beatniks, I need to squelch one thing right now: The Cleveland Browns should not (and will not) draft offensive lineman, Joe Thomas, with the #3 pick in the 2007 NFL Draft.

The only thing Joe Thomas, the offensive tackle from Wisconsin, will be "fishing for" this weekend during the 2007 NFL Draft is an approving endorsement from this writer.

"But, Chris!" you might screech, with your neurotic lady's voice, like your favorite character on Grey's Anatomy upon seeing "McDreamy" in the hospital hallway. "The game of pro football is won and lost on the offensive line!"

Well, you're half-right. But unfortunately the only thing THAT logic, along with a Master's degree in Creative Writing and an Indian nickel, will actually get you is a job proofreading classified ads placed by "Barney Gumble" in The Springfield Shopper – and another 6-10 season for the Cleveland Browns.

The Browns need an offensive line, true enough – and they are on their merry way – but work it through free agency and the later rounds of the draft.

So, I don't care what you have heard over on "Grumpy and The Dunce Talk Sports!" – or any other local Cleveland talk show for that matter. The only thing you are going to get from them is a "bad case of the bends" after eating at one of the eateries that advertise on their show.

Hey, I can suck lemons with the best of them in this town, folks, and believe-you-me: You NEVER, EVER waste a top 3 pick in the NFL Draft on a (shudder) offensive lineman!

Everyone knows you waste it on a skilled position: Quarterback, running back or wide receiver.

So, do yourself a favor and save a trip to the infirmary ("infirmary" is a 19th century term meaning "Urgent Care Center," kids – Google it!) for some other sports sap – and pray to your personal deity that the Cleveland Browns draft either Brady Quinn or Adrian Peterson.

Frankly, I think Brady Quinn (for better or worse) is the best quarterback in this year's draft – and JaMarcus Russell is an overrated soon-to-be-bust that is being "built up" by the cackling magpies in the national media who wouldn't know talent from Mel Kiper's tube of Sugar Bowl hair gel.

Regardless, I am getting quite tired of Quinn "positioning" himself between the glamour of being drafted number one by the "Oops! I did it again!" Oakland Raiders – over his "love" for playing for his beloved hometown Cleveland Browns.

Which is it, Brady? Pick your poison, pretty boy!

The Cleveland Browns would do just as well drafting running back Adrian Peterson with their 1st round pick and pouncing on Michigan State quarterback, Drew Stanton, in the second or third round.

But what do I know, huh?

I have as much chance of influencing the Cleveland Browns (and their draft) as hosting my own mid-morning "gabfest" (with some creepy sidekick) on my local FOX affiliate: "That's Cancelled! with Chris McVetta" (where my guests will include the ghost of Kurt Vonnegut who will award me the coveted "Sally Struthers Lifetime Achievement Award for Excellence in Blogging and VCR Repair").  And we'll whip up a batch of my tasty Geez-us! Fish in a succulent lemon sauce over in my McKitchen.

The Cleveland Browns need a star quarterback or running back: Quinn or Peterson (and the rest will follow) to restore faith in the followers of the Elf they call "Brownie."

And you can bet your creepy sidekicks on that! (Check your local listings.)

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About Chris McVetta

Chris McVetta is a writer and comedian from Cleveland, Ohio. He is a graduate from Cleveland State University and an alumni of The Second City comedy writing program. His first job in journalism was as an Editorial Assistant working with Harvey Pekar ("American Splendor") at The Free Times. Most recently, his was invited to speak at the Ray Browne conference on Pop Culture at Bowling Green State University.
  • Chip

    Funny and very well written.I wish I had your talent.With what’s at hand with this years draft I completely agree with you. First time reader,longtime true & thru Cleveland BROWNS fan.

  • Noodling in LA

    Wow, the Browns wasted draft picks on (shudder)Thomas and (pretty boy) Quinn!

  • Chris,
    I don’t know who you are, but this article is too funny. If you were just giving ideas of what you would do. But you were blasting out how you knew there was no way the Browns would take Johnson.
    Just rand across, article and wanted to comment. Its still cracking me up thinking about all you were saying. Anyway, well written, and go Browns.

  • Chris McVetta

    Joe Thomas is the real deal. I admit, I was wrong. Eric Steinbach is still a great free agency addition …and Brady Quinn is still a great draft pick for the Cleveland Browns (just ask the Miami Dolphins).