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Joe Francis Hates His Penis, Do The Math

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Serial rapist and child pornographer Joe Francis, the gajillionaire smut peddler behind the Girls Gone Wild videos, called into the Howard Stern show yesterday to discuss the lawsuit Paris Hilton has pending against the purveyors of the ParisExposed.com website. (Sadly, no longer available – I want my money back.) Francis attempted to be outraged by the invasion of privacy.

Editor’s note: Francis is prominently featured in the Hilton videos, frequently attempting to fondle Paris and often being shutdown. He is also credited on film with supplying a chestful of coke.

Howard Stern, bored with all the posturing and BS, did what he does best and easily led the loopy-sounding Francis into discussing celebrity poontang.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Francis, always the gentleman and a total class act, was happy to dish about the ladies he’s “supposedly” bedded. I use the term “ladies” here real loosely, it just seemed nicer than “gaping holes.” Among the names Francis dropped were Lindsay Lohan, Kimberly Stewart, Tara Reid, and the ubiquitous Paris Hilton. It’s like a who’s who from the skeevie ho hall of fame. Here’s a synopsis of the conversation:

  • Paris Hilton gave the best “oral favors.” ( I’ve seen video and I object to this claim! I OBJECT!)
  • Tara Reid was the “worst” in bed. When asked to elaborate, all Francis could muster was “…well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable….”
  • Stern pressed for more details with creative questions like, “So she just laid there?” and apparently some other really gross insinuations that self-respecting news outlets refuse to print (losers), Joe responded, “More or less, yeah.”
  • Francis also went on record with this tasteful comment, “Well I don’t plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site.” We’re assuming this is in reference to Paris Hilton’s prescriptions for Valtrex, one of the many savory items seized in the auction free-for-all.
  • Oh whatever, like he isn’t some kind of walking STD experiment the government is conducting for use as a weapon of penile destruction.

    What does all this mean? Well, being the math genius that I am — for reals, I have ribbons and stuff — I am going to present you kids with a math equation to unravel the riddle.

    A = Joe Francis having unprotected sex

    B = Paris Hilton

    C = Lindsay Lohan

    D = Kimberly Stewart

    E = Tara Reid – this is represented by (E?) because there is the “unknown factor” of condom-less penetration, but we all know Joe Francis is a liar, but we still have to go with the “unknown” quotient.

    F= Joe’s penis

    A + B + C+ D+(E?)x F= G

    G=Superstrain of Herpehivitisavianebolacoli

    Apply the Olsen Law of Corollary Theorem ™ and the only conclusion is G=H and H= Joe Francis hates his penis and is trying to make it fall off.

    A surgical tool would be faster and there are probably thousands of women who would cheerfully assist him in his endeavor.

    Class dismissed.

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    About Dawn Olsen

    • http://theglenblog.blogspot.com Glen Boyd

      Not only are you back Dawn, you are back with a vengeance. My own penis is appropriately checked at the door. Great freaking stuff as always.

      -Glen

    • Dawn

      Your penis is welcome Glen, I just recommend you use precaution based on the Olsen Theorem™!

      PS, thanks for the props!!

    • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

      I was always told to show my work.

      *zip*

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

      Somebody get the microscope for Suss.

    • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

      Son of a.

      Like a blind man in a wood chipper, I walked right into that one.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

      heh…. just for you Suss…

      I got to open for these guys once.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

      Actually…Dawn, for all your good work, you may take that link, and should use it for your byline on the celeb dirt, somehow.

      Just a thought, keep it up , Dawn (that sounded bad, don’t shoot me, Eric!!), with you around, there’s no need to touch the tabloids.

    • STM

      Joe Francis is a knob …

    • Dawn

      Joe Francis is a stubby knob, and with the current case of leprosy on his peen, it’s only going to get stubbier.

      Suss, did they get that microscope for you yet? I don’t have all damn day.

      D’oh, you opened for Living Colour? What happened to those guys, I really liked them?

    • http://www.antequeravillarental.com Christopher Rose

      Joe Francis has a stubby knob? Will it fall off?

      Don’t forget the tweezers to go with that microscope for Suss!

    • Marfa

      How funny is this? Are We supposed to feel sorry for that guy? I think not!

    • http://www.jesusheartsmusic.com Tim

      This is unfortunately my first foray to blogcritics.org and I must say, this is one fine-ass, Grade-A piece of journalism!!

      Absoutely loved it!

      Tim

    • Dawn

      Thanks Tim!!

      Your site confuses me. I think I need a drink now.

    • http://blogcritics.org/writer.php?name=diana+hartman diana hartman

      I am pleased to tell you this article has been chosen as one of the Culture Editor’s Picks of the Week for January 29 through February 4.

      Diana Hartman
      Culture Editor

    • Guisseppi

      Is it true that Joseph Francis was kidnapped and video taped being butt raped while at gun point? Did anyone hear about this?

    • http://paul paul

      hay if you are gay it is good from me

      size dose not matter