I have some advice for everyone who dreads the horrors of job interviews. Here I have compiled a list some of the Dos and Don’ts I’ve found to make the interview process as easy as possible.
1. Do not vomit directly onto the Interviewer. – This is especially important if you’ve eaten beets or have drunk grape juice prior to the interview. The vomit itself will be a difficult substance to clean off, both the material and your reputation, but make it dark purple and you might as well punch the Interviewer in the neck and go home. Unless they’re wearing a dark purple outfit, in which case they’ll just stink of puke.
2. Do not masturbate during the interview. – I suggest this based solely on past responses to this behavior. Be thankful I’ve researched all of these thoroughly myself so none of you have to go through it unprepared. Most interviewers have some sort of built-in reflex where they dial 911. The only time this didn’t happen was when I interviewed for a position in the Catholic Church. The interviewer looked rather amused, and I’d rather not speak of what happened afterwards. Let’s just say that I got the job, but I didn’t want it anymore by then. Anyway, masturbation during an interview is a big no-no, unless you’re interviewing for a job where you have to masturbate. If any of you DO know of such a job, please pass the information on to me as I am an expert in the field.
3. Do not pour acid in the interviewer’s eyes if the interview does not seem to be going well. – We’ve all been through interviews where afterwards, or maybe even during, we experience the surety that we will not get the job. If this happens, please refrain from tossing that vial of acid you carry around in your pocket into the interviewer’s face. This is generally a very messy situation, both diplomatically and physically. Sure, the interviewer will most likely promise you the job and ask you not to hurt them anymore, but making that promise stick later never works. I know I’d be pretty disingenuous about the promises I make to the guy who just melted my face.
4. Do not compliment the lovely arrays of tumors growing on their faces. You’ll often find that an interviewer will have some sort of deformity they seem oblivious to. Perhaps they seem to be cultivating a lovely garden of facial growths or perhaps there is a third ear growing where one of their eyeballs should be. Perhaps they just look a lot like Latoya Jackson. None of those things matter, because when you decide to play the reverse tactic and compliment them on their hideous deformity, it could very well backfire. For example, I said to one interviewer, “That’s a mighty fine chewed-up tootsie roll you’ve got growing out of your neck there, ma’am.” She was not very flattered, and when she stabbed me in the ear with her letter opener I got the distinct impression the interview was over. Instead of complimenting the deformity, just look at it with a wide-eyed expression of terror for as long as possible.
1. Do bring pictures of your children or any animals you may own. – Nothing impresses an interviewer more than long, overwrought anecdotes about your kids or your half-retarded wombat. Accompanied by visual aids such as pictures, perhaps some fur sheddings, molted skin, or even a dirty diaper or two, getting hired is almost guaranteed. Make sure all the smells and textures are authentic, as it aids the whole story experience.
2. Do slap the interviewer on the ass, regardless of their gender. Or yours. – Nothing says “I want to work here” like a good ass-slap.
3. Do wear something really sexy and revealing, especially if you’re a guy. – Some of my most successful interviews have been when I’ve worn nothing but a pair of shorts, Commando. When I “get more comfortable” and cross and uncross my legs, giving the interviewer an “accidental” view of the ol’ Guy and Two Lads, I’ve been hired ON THE SPOT. Usually the job always seems to consist of spending a good amount of time in a small area with barred doors and a toilet in the middle of the room, but the subsequent Community Service part of the job later on is a breeze.
4. Do give the interviewer a gift, especially something that you made particularly for them. – I find that a macaroni drawing on a piece of construction paper saying “Interviewer is the best!” is usually a winner. Sometimes I’ll give them a signed picture of myself or a half-eaten bologna sandwich. If you don’t have time to make something, usually you can go with something you’ve got laying around the house. A can of peas, a spool of thread, a used condom, or your little brother are good last-minute gifts. If you have more time, I suggest a full-size sculpture of Demi Moore made from Papier Mache and Victoria’s Secret catalogs.
Follow my advice, and you’ll have that brand new job in no time.