Fear, anxiety, and, dare I say it, panic abound in the election-o-sphere these days, as captured in an article in today's Washington Post. The good voters of America are anxiously awaiting the ten plagues of Egypt, Arab hordes swarming over our shores, economic meltdown a la Chernobyl, and really bad acne attacks… regardless of who they support and regardless of who wins.
I personally have experienced this effect as recently as last Saturday night. Two of our best friends — bright, articulate conservatives — sat in our liberal living room, and one erupted in an over-the-top attack on Obama and the mainstream media's playing of the race card. (He later apologized.) And this from a man who thinks McCain has run perhaps the worst campaign since Nero tried to defend Rome with a fiddle and a broken bow.
My friends, relax. Whoever wins — Barack "My, What Big Ears You Have, Grannie" Obama or John "No, She's Really, Really Qualified" McCain — the world will neither come to an end nor be suddenly a brighter, happier place. We may indeed be facing the end of the world as we know it. Retirement will stretch further and further into the distance until it resembles the kind of dreams we had as kids — you know, of becoming superheros or policemen or nurses or serial killers; new diseases will spring as prolific as wildflowers or weeds from our faucets thanks to global warming; America will deteriorate into a third world power as Lithuania, Kurdzbachimysterystan, and a host of other degenerate nations attain global dominance… oh well, you get the picture.
But — and this is an important but so pay attention — none of this will come about because of the new president.
Relax, fellow prisoners, neither McCain nor Obama is evil incarnate out to undermine our precious values and bodily fluids. Neither seeks to undermine our way of life — beyond what we've already done to ourselves. Both will struggle mightily and with expert help to fix our economy (lots o' luck), our environment (just in time for West Virginia to become part of the new coastal America), our health care system (ow, that hurts), and everything else. And both will achieve minimal success because the Founding Fathers ensured through the arcane complexity of the Constitution that precious little can be accomplished in Washington.
We have so much for which to be thankful. So much about which to be proud. So much with which to completely screw ourselves royally.
Yes, the future looks bleak, even dire. So, my friends, worry, fret, and fear. But at least take heart that the election in two weeks ain't one of them. Stop demonizing your opponents and start hugging them. It may be the only solace we get for a long time. After dinner Saturday night, we hugged our conservative friends… and it felt great. One of them lifted my wallet, but what can you expect from them?
In Jameson Veritas