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It’s Already Been Brought

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Primaries, caucuses and C-span coverage not withstanding, the general election is already in full swing. It began last Saturday night when, with the Democratic returns still being counted in Michigan and Washington, CNN and MSNBC were showing a Larry King re-run interview with Janet Jackson and an episode of Headliners and Legends (I think Fox was showing a special in which a panel of high-powered, telegenic and experienced conservatives were matched up in a war of words against a lone, learning-disabled liberal who spoke no English and had a predisclosed and violent camera-light allergy). The combination of an Iraq sans WMD and the Kerry campaign sans significant competition has put the President somewhat on the defensive. But these are early days. Newsweek’s Fineman and Isikoff provide a nice overview of where the first real punches might be landed. In the meantime, here is a Reader’s Digest version of a possible first debate between Kerry and Bush:

Bush: War on terror

Kerry: Vietnam

Bush: Evil doers

Kerry: Band of Brothers

Bush: Grave and growing

Kerry: Imminent?

Bush: Let me step back a moment

Kerry: (sensing weakness) Mekong Delta

Bush: (regaining composure) Massachusetts Liberal

Kerry: I don’t like to talk about it, but I’m a war hero.

Bush: Bring it On

Kerry: No, I have three words for you. Bring … It … On

Bush: Let’s Roll

Kerry: I’m coming, you’re going and…

Bush: I haven’t heard you talk like that since our Skull and Bones initiation week.

Kerry: … don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Bush: (pounding a fist on his podium) The Almighty, Faith-based, Mel Gibson, God Bless

Kerry: Ketchup fortune, good hair, tall, I can still drink

Bush: Fake Vietnam stories

Kerry: That was Bob Kerry

Bush: Dukakis

Kerry: Ashcroft

Bush: Lobbyists

Kerry: Halliburton

Bush: The South!

Kerry: Smart people

Bush: You’re rich!

Kerry: You love the rich

Bush: Gay marriage, Sodomy, the L word, Carson Kressley

Kerry: Ralph Reed?

Bush: Shadows, caves, murderers

Kerry: Program related activities?

Bush: (with the classic accusatory smirk) Senator

Kerry: (taken aback) … (long pause) … Flightsuit!

Bush: Military spending dove

Kerry: Flightsuit

Bush: Votes to cut funding for intelligence agencies

Kerry: Flightsuit

Bush: Bring it On

Kerry: Bring it On

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About davepell

  • That made me smile. Thank you.

  • Eric Olsen

    Excellent Dave, you are raising our intellectual capacity by the minute!

  • What’s so depressing is that it is the actual transcript.

    Ay, ay, time for regieme change.

    Now why can’t you get Tina Faye in the office? Y’know cause it doesn’t really mean anything? And she knows how to do a smirk at least.