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It’s A Wonderful Lifetime Contract

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A partial transcript of the year’s final Treehouse Fort, featuring guest host Josh Hathaway and the world premiere of “A Christmas Payroll”:
 
On Saturday night, the Dallas Cowboys knocked off previously unbeaten New Orleans 24-17. Earlier in the day, the University of Wyoming Cowboys beat Fresno State in double-overtime in the New Mexico Bowl. It was the best day for Cowboys everywhere since the Supreme Court ruled in People v. Waylon and Willie that mamas were in fact permitted to let their babies to grow up to be whatever they wanted.
 
A blockbuster three-way trade sent Blue Jays ace Roy Halladay to the Phillies and Cliff Lee to the Mariners. Following the popularity of the Curtis Granderson trade involving three teams, MLB instituted a new rule that all trades must involve more than two teams, known as the “wingman rule,” in which a third team will get the shaft. The general manager of the team that made out the best shall write to the shafted team, saying, “dude, I totally owe you one.”
 
Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni told reporters that he would “play Satan himself if I could win.” A spokesperson for the Archdiocese of New York said that Satan playing for the Knicks would be “immoral” although with the Knicks at 9-17, the Archdiocese conceded “it’s tempting.”
 
Former Broncos coach Mike Shanahan may be the next head coach of the Redskins, replacing the yet-to-be-fired Jim Zorn. Some analysts are criticizing the move, noting that Zorn is already not winning without John Elway.
 
NASCAR plans to launch over 500 themed campgrounds over the next decade, featuring 30 x 30 foot TV screens showing the races live. To get to one, you just get on the interstate, then take a left off the ramp, then a left, a left, and then another left.
 
For their 15th anniversary, the Toronto Raptors have scheduled Fan Night for early February, and will feature a halftime performance by Vanilla Ice. In other news, Jeff Goldblum was last seen driving away from Air Canada Centre in an ATV mumbling, “Must go faster. Must go faster.”
 

Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?
 
Ex-Rams guard Richie Incognito, for multiple dirty hits against the Titans
 
Jets kicker Jay Feely, for his insensitive Twitter post regarding the death of Chris Henry
 
USC RB
Joe McKnight, for driving an SUV owned by local businessman, possibly violating NCAA rules
 
Hall of Fame WR
Michael Irvin, wanting to trade Super Bowl rings and his HOF bust for an undefeated season
 
Michael David Barrett, pleading guilty to shooting peephole videos of Erin Andrews
 
Missouri womens basketball players Amanda Hanneman and Jessra Johnson, for beating up a male cheerleader
 

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