The last time the Detroit Lions won a game (December 23, 2007) was the week Jamie Lynn Spears announced she’d be having a baby. That is far from a coincidence. Therefore, in order for the Lions to finally win a game, quarterback Matthew Stafford must impregnate this woman.
Failing that, playing better football than the Minnesota Vikings may also work. This probably won’t happen, so instead of getting your hopes up about that, here’s an alternative way to enjoy the game. It’s a scavenger hunt! Here’s what to look for on Sunday:
Two Calvin Johnson touchdowns — This past spring I bought a Calvin Johnson replica jersey at Target. No, I’m not a huge fan (although, in time, this could be the case.) It’s just the jersey was $7.50, which is probably cheaper than most shirts. This puzzled me, because of all the jerseys, you’d think any other player’s threads would be sold at a cut-rate price.
Two interceptions for Brett Favre — Insert thoughts about how this affects your fantasy team here.
Adrian Peterson injuring someone with a stiff arm — Or curing him of ALS. Either one.
Paper bag fans — During the first home game of the year? During the first home game of the year.
An homage to Road House by benching Jason Hanson and using backup kicker Swayze Waters. Nobody puts baby in a coffin corner.
A designated driver wearing a Charles Rogers jersey — Bonus points if he drives this guy home.
The name of Matthew Stafford’s lady friend — As if this wasn’t on the list, you wouldn’t try to find it anyway:
Twins-Tigers on the JumboTron at halftime — Hey look, Maude, a game between the two cities that actually matter! The Twins have a very real chance to gain some ground in the AL Central by playing the division-leading Tigers. This game will begin an hour after the start of Detroit-Minnesota, Football Edition. As an auxiliary game to the auxiliary game, see who scores more: the Tigers or Lions.
A Vikings victory — You want a specific score? Sure. Wait ’til Sunday afternoon.