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Is Shyness Keeping You From the Girl of Your Dreams?

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The Question:

There is this girl at my church I think might like me. Every time I get a chance to say something to her I don't because I'm really shy. What can I say or do to break the ice?

The Answer:

The challenge here is that you really like her and really want her to like you – and that's the problem. That wanting translates into fear – fear of rejection, fear of failure, and fear of being alone.

Stop! Let's go through this together so you will be able to approach her with ease the next time you see her. 

She's a regular person, just like you.

Don't put her on a pedestal just because you like her. This is one of the biggest mistakes men make with women, which is why they strike out so often. Remember, she's a regular person, just like you; so treat her that way. Be nice, friendly, and most of all, confident in yourself. You wouldn't be shy talking to one of your guy friends or a girl that you have no interest in, right? Treat her like that – just one of your friends.

Men and women aren't nearly as different as we all like to believe. At the end of the day we're all people with needs, feelings, hopes, and dreams. We all need friends and companionship.

How can you tell if she likes you?

When you talk with her, notice how you feel. Do you feel like you want her to like you, or do you feel that she does like you? Is there a strong surge of energy, a magical spark between the two of you? Down deep, you'll know if she really likes you. You can feel it. Trust your gut.

Warning: Many guys make a big deal about asking a girl if she likes them. Don't ever do that. You'll put her on the spot and she'll have to choose without getting to know you first. It's like deciding if you want to buy a car without ever sitting in it.

The key here is confidence and belief in you. Listen for what's in your heart, not for what you want to be there. If you're too nervous to even talk without stuttering, then you won't be able to read your gut feelings. It's very important to get a grip on yourself and just relax.

What if she turns you down?

Before you approach any woman, tell yourself it's perfectly okay if she doesn't go out with you. Heck, it's perfectly fine if she doesn't like you at all. Your life will be no different than it is now, but you will have more experience in approaching women. That's it.

Read this over and over until you get it: You have absolutely nothing to lose.

Lots of men get their egos crushed because a really hot girl won't go out with them. Well, guess what? There are hundreds of reasons why she may not want to go out with you – or with anyone else for that matter.

She could be in a committed relationship, could be a lesbian, could be grieving a loss of some sort, could be having her time of the month, or could be having a bad day for any other number of reasons. You simply may not be her type, and that's okay, too. Wouldn't you agree that's it's better to know up front?

With all that put together, and assuming you are her type, you have a 20% chance (at best) of succeeding when you approach a woman. That's life; deal with it. This bears repeating. At any given time, a woman may not be interested in any man whatsoever. Accept that and go on. It's just a fact of life.

The key point here is not to take it personally and go hide in the closet. Follow your heart and approach all the women you feel attracted to. You will find one, or more, that you really click with. Have fun and don't take life so seriously.

How to approach her – the magical ice breaker

Now that we're past that, it's time to actually move in. She's not going to know you like her if she doesn't know you exist, so let's get on with it. Simply go talk to her. There's no magic to it. Just go over there and make some small talk. Don't be overly eager and don't have a firm agenda. Just say hello and see what happens.

Let her feel you out.

Think of two dogs when they first meet – they growl a little and spend lots of time sniffing each other. People do the same thing, really. It's all about getting a feel for the other person. We like to think we're more evolved than lower animals like dogs, but they actually have a lot to teach us. I've yet to ever meet a person that's as pure at heart as a dog.

Ask her out – leaving the "Friend Zone"

At some point you're going to have to make your move and depart the friend zone. This may not be in the first minute or two, and may not even be the first time you talk to her. The key here again is self-confidence. You'll also need a little patience.

Take your time and feel it out first. Don't make her choose until you know she's comfortable enough with you to give you a chance and you're comfortable enough to take the chance.

The sex and physical attraction issue

Most guys assume that men and women want drastically different things, and sex is something that's to be won over from the woman – like a special gift. Wrong! That's a very dangerous perspective that will leave you doing the sex thing all by yourself for a long time.

Many years ago my father gave me a bit of insight on this. He said, "She wants it just as much as you do." In my early teens that nugget didn't really do much for me, but as I grew into an adult, that advice took on special meaning. It's important to remember that women want and need companionship (and yes, even sex) just as much as men do.

Love yourself: Guys, read this section. It's for you.

Decide today to love and embrace yourself. Yes, even as a guy, you can still love and embrace who you are. In fact, guys are notorious for self loathing and not appreciating themselves. 

As any good salesman will tell you, if you don't believe in yourself and in what you're selling, nobody's going to buy from you. If you don't love yourself and don't think highly of yourself, nobody else will, either. Guaranteed.

Get over the self-punishing and self-loathing and decide to change your life today. Yes, you.

Need some help going up to her or asking her out?

For advice on how to approach a woman and ask her out, let's get some advice from some of the experts in the pick up and seduction community.

Download and read these helpful guides:

These guides will help you increase your confidence so you can approach women more easily and get better results. 

A word of warning: Some of the advice from these guys involves psychological and hypnosis tricks to get women to want you, but always remember to be yourself, because while many of these tricks will get you that hot girl for the night, they won't get you a real girlfriend. In the end she's going to see you for who you really are and you're better off getting her to like the real you from the beginning.

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About Dan and Jennifer

  • Before you approach any woman, tell yourself it’s perfectly okay if she doesn’t go out with you. Heck, it’s perfectly fine if she doesn’t like you at all. Your life will be no different than it is now, but you will have more experience in approaching women. That’s it.

    Thank you for that. It is something I think I knew, but reading it really helps drive it home.

  • Baronius

    There’s some really great advice in this article. One thing I’d add (or emphasize), most people enjoy spending time with people who like them. She’ll probably be happy that someone is expressing interest in her. I know I’d rather stand around with someone who likes me than stand around by myself.

    If the two of you don’t click, that’s fine. It could be either of you that discovers that you don’t work well together. At least you get the experience: both the awkward experience of approaching a gal, and however much of a pleasant time the two of you share. It’s way better than not trying.

  • duane

    How to approach her – the magical ice breaker

    … Let her feel you out.

    I’m not sure, but I think before that happens the ice has to be pretty much broken, melted, heated, and turned into steam.

  • jacob

    Thanks for the advice, it was just what i needed. For some reason i don’t feel scared to tell her how i feel now. “Im gonna do it”.

  • dd

    Valuable, good wisdom. thanks

  • ussy

    i like dis girl at my skool she givs me smiles aswell shal i ask her owy ?plz help

  • The majority of people experience feelings of shyness at one point in their life.

    Shyness is common to all humans beings at times, even those who love being the center of attention.