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Is He Ever Going to Marry You?

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A while ago, I wrote a post called Just Because You Sleep There, Doesn't Mean You Live There!

Now, an even more important fact: Just because you sleep there, that doesn't make you his wife!

Women everywhere are in dead-end relationships. Meaning, they are in relationships that will never lead to the ultimate next step: marriage.

When neither party is ready, or looking for, that next step, there is no problem. Unfortunately, many women become ready for marriage long before their male partners do.

Some women will start to nag and pressure their partners into marriage and will ultimately get their way. Other women will not have the same fate. These women will try however they can to get their men to marry them and, when they don't succeed, all they will do is try harder.

One way women try to convince their men to marry them is by showing them that they can be really good wives. A woman will start acting like a wife long before she ever is one. Sometimes, it's because she is ready to be a wife so it feels natural for her to start acting like one. But other times, a woman becomes desperate to be a wife and starts acting like one because it makes her feel like one, just a little bit.

These women will start cooking, cleaning, and taking care of their men just as any good wife would do. This includes doing their laundry, running their errands, and spending her money like it is "their" money. They will even think, "One day, I'll have to do these things anyway, so I might as well start now." I say, "Why now?"

I met a girl not too long ago who has been with her boyfriend for six years. They each have their own place but she stays over at his place most nights of the week. Here are some of the things she said to me that made me sad for her:

"I do his laundry because I have a washer and dryer in my apartment and he has to walk across the street to use the public washer and dryer. How awful is that? So, every week, I take his laundry, and do it at my place. I have to do mine anyway so it's not much more work to do his too."

"I feel so bad when he gets home late from work. On the nights that I sleep there, [which, in a separate conversation, I found out was most nights] I make sure that dinner is ready when he gets home. I would have to cook for myself anyway, so I just cook for the both of us."

"Last month I helped him pay for some of his utility bills. I figured that when we get married, his bills will be my bills, and his place will be my place."

All I could think was "Oh my!" and "If I was this guy, I'd never marry her!"

She has left him no incentive to marry her. This guy is already getting all of the benefits of marriage. You can't even blame him for not marrying her in the past six years, because he probably can't imagine why he should.

Marriage has to bring something more to your relationship than what you already have. This is why it's referred to as "the next stage" or "the next level." It's important to take your time and not get too ahead of yourself, no matter how much you want to get to the next level.

Ladies, listen up: you don't have to prove to your boyfriend that you will make a good wife. You don't have to prove yourself as a wife until you are a wife. If, at this point in your relationship, all you are is a girlfriend, then all you have to be is a good girlfriend. If a man is ready for marriage, it will be more than enough for him to know that you are a good girlfriend. If he is not ready for marriage, then you are really wasting your energy on the wrong man!

About Ani Ram

  • http://jonsobel.com Jon Sobel

    This is very sensible advice. The article’s idea of what makes a “good wife” seems a little old-fashioned to me, though…

  • Brian aka Guppusmaximus

    You left out the most important reason why a couple would make that commitment to each other… It has to be Love. Not a “Hollywood” example but a true defined feeling of appreciation & respect for one another. A love that defies boundaries and is still in your heart even during the rough times. This starts with a deep love of yourself.

    If you are in a relationship and all you care about is what the other person is going to do for you then you shouldn’t even think of marriage. You should be spending plenty of time together to get to know one another and there definitely shouldn’t be any kind of mystery

  • http://1000thingsaboutjapan.blogspot.com/ Shari

    I can’t agree with the notion that a man in particular has to have an incentive to marry. This article seems to be a longer version of “if you get the milk for free, why buy the cow?”

    The only reason for anyone to marry another person, whether we’re talking men or women, is to place a legal seal on their emotional commitment to one another. In other words, it’s a formal declaration of one’s intent to spend one’s life with a partner.

    One should never marry to gain something in terms of a quality of life improvement. If you have to withhold something in order to entice someone to marry you, then that person is not worth marrying.