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Iraq’s Election: A Summary

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Rotters News Service – Washington DC.
Jan. 31, 2005

Yesterday, January 30, 2005, was an historic day: Iraq held its first free election in over 50 years. Despite threats from the terrorists who have carried out daily car bombings and assassinations, most of the voting locations remained safe throughout the day.

Initial estimates from an Iraq Interim Government spokesperson put the attendance figures at 72%. Later in the day, they were lowered to 60%. Finally, by early evening, a spokesman admitted that they actually had no idea what percentage of the population voted.

Final results are expected to be announced within a week or so, but initial reports show that — strange as it may seem — President George Bush won 52% of the overall vote! U.N. Observer Katherine Harris told reporters that while this is relatively unexpected — since Bush wasn’t even on the Iraqi ballot — it only confirms what the administration has been saying all along: that the Iraqi people have welcomed George W. Bush as a heroic ‘liberator’.

Early exit polls showed Bush held a slight edge over the other 275 candidates, but as of late last night, an 11th hour count of Iraqi expatriate votes from Ohio appears to put President Bush in a strong lead; if this is confirmed in the following days, Bush will be the first person in recent history to be democratically elected to run two separate nations.

Iyad Allawi, current Prime Minister on the Iraqi Interim Governing Council and a good friend of the U.S. administration, was running a close second to President Bush. He celebrated his excellent showing in the election by appearing before a cheering crowd of Iraqis late Sunday night. He stood on the balcony of Paul Bremer’s old residence, waved to the crowd, and fired an automatic rifle in the air — which has been the traditional acceptance speech of Iraqi leaders in the past.

In related news, a group of Democratic leaders from the U.S. — including Senator John Kerry, Senator Joseph Biden, and House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi — have put forth a controversial immigration bill which allows Sunni residents of Iraq to immigrate on a “fast-track” to the United States, where they will be encouraged to form a coalition with U.S. Democrats. The bill contains over $2 billion to set up four Sunni relocation processing centers in the following locations: Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio; and Orlando and Miami, Florida.

“We’re both marginalized parties in our respective countries, “Pelosi said in a press conference late last night, “and we expect to continue to be discriminated against, repressed, taunted, and even hunted down and killed. We hope to combine efforts, raise our numbers, and therefore constitute a more powerful opposition to the continuing onslaught of the Republican Party.”

When asked by reporters why the Democrats feel it’s necessary to team up with religious fundamentalists from Iraq, Senator Kerry said, “We have to do something to resurrect the Democratic party — especially on the ‘faith’ and ‘morals’ issues. The GOP already staked out the televangelist, Judeo-Christian territory, leaving us to fend for ourselves using other kooky religious traditions. Islam — by recommending cutting off the hand of a thief — might also help us on the old “law & order” issue — where we Democrats are traditionally viewed as weak. It’s becoming clear that Democrat and Sunni numbers are dwindling faster than my wife’s New Years resolutions to stop nagging. So we have to find some common ground with another marginalized demographic, and we think the Iraqi Sunnis are a good prospect. We’d like to reach out to them and say, ‘We feel your pain.'”

When it was pointed out to Senator Kerry that many of the Iraqi Sunnis have ties to terrorists and murderers in their homeland — and a vote to allow ‘fast-track’ immigration status could contribute to the influx of terrorists into the United States, Kerry replied, “Well, I voted for the Sunni immigration bill… before I voted against it. The record is clear on that.”

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About Mark Shark

  • http://cowbells.blogspot.com mpho

    this is great. onion-worthy and that’s the schnizzle!

  • http://www.diablog.us Dave Nalle

    I like the book link the best.

    Dave

  • Shark

    Damn. I shoulda reviewed the film ‘Dodgeball.’

  • http://theugliestamerican.blogspot.com/ andy marsh

    If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!

  • Eric Olsen

    ecumenical and biting – nice one!

  • http://www.john_m_burt.blogspot.com John M. Burt

    News Item
    Samara, Ohio — Today the bandages came off and Missy Potamia’s family got to see the 13-year-old’s reconstructed face for the first time. Two years after an unfortunate misunderstanding when she tried to deposit money at her local bank, extensive surgery has undone broken cartilage, smashed cheekbones and shattered teeth.

    Her mother was delighted.

    “To tell the truth, Missy was always a plain child. Her big blobby nose and buck teeth were a real drawback, but we could never have afforded braces, let alone plastic surgery. Fortunately, the bank’s insurance paid for it, and since her face was so totally ruined, it gave us a chance to give her the look she always wanted.”

    Bank security guard George W. Bush declared that Missy’s beautiful new face vindicated his own actions two years ago.

    “Even though it appears she wasn’t actually trying to rob the bank,” Bush said, “it’s now clear that I still did the right thing in taking prompt action with that baseball bat.”

    Bush’s contract with the bank has recently been renewed for another four years.