INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE UPCOMING ELECTION
Greetings, my fellow Iraqi citizens.
As you know, the ongoing reconstruction of our nation is making great progress under the auspices of the Nice American Soldiers.
As you also know, the first free democratic election in Iraqi history will occur in a few weeks. This election is the culmination of the American Liberation, and will be the final act before these 150,000 American soldiers go home happy with the knowledge that they left Iraq much better than when they found it.
Phase One, as you will remember, amounted to their glorious arrival — amid showers of kisses and flowers, by the way — in Baghdad — followed by the highly orchestrated photo-op toppling of Saddam’s statue live on American TV.
Placing the American flag on Saddam’s statue, as you recall, was a bit of ad hoc improv by a soldier who went ‘off-script’ — as they say in Hollywood. The American marketing people immediately recognized the faux pas inherent in that gesture, and it was quickly corrected by placing an Iranian flag over the statue — both of which unfortunately disappeared during the subsequent nation-wide looting that followed.
(Oh well, Democracy, as President Bush is so fond of saying — is “Hard Work.”)
Phase Two, as you recall, was the above-mentioned nation-wide looting, which allowed thirty years of anti-Baathist sentiment to be expressed over a few violent, anarchic days. It was what the Americans call “stress-release” — and is thought to be relatively health-inducing — although a side effect turned out to be the loss of humanity’s collection of Babylonian and Assyrian relics… plus the entire infrastructure of our humble nation.
Oh well, on to Phase Three.
Phase Three, as you remember, occurred in July of 2004, with the long awaited gesture known as “turning over sovereignty to the Iraqis.” This “Sovereignty” was touted as an effective solution to the death squads, beheadings, bombings, and anarchy which were running so rampant in our newly liberated nation.
Sovereignty meant that Iraqi army, Iraqi police, civic workers, and general public could now share in the sacrifices the American soldiers were making for our glorious, freedom-loving democracy. In other words, everyone — no matter what their job or nationality — could now die by a violent act for abstract American ideals that were probably impossible to attain.
And as you know, sovereignty was very effective in this regard. Earlier, those sacrifices had been made very ineffectively — at least from a numerical and resource allocation standpoint. Before July of ’03, sacrifices for Democracy were made a person at a time — through inefficient kidnappings and beheadings.
After July of ’03, these were consolidated into much more effective and efficient suicide bombings, roadside explosions, mass executions, and periodic assassinations.
Progress: it is good.
And now, in January of ’05, we have the upcoming elections. The following is meant to be a primer as to the technical details we are encouraging our fellow Iraqis to follow when it comes time to ‘cast your vote.’
If you wish to vote for the SUNNI candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:
1) bomb a Shiite temple;
2) assassinate a Shiite cleric;
3) blow up an election hall in a Shiite neighborhood;
4) all of the above.
If you wish to vote for the SHIITE candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:
1) bomb a Sunni temple;
2) assassinate a Sunni cleric;
3) blow up an election hall in a Sunni neighborhood;
4) all of the above.
If you wish to vote for an Islamic Terrorist candidate, (Al Qaeda party), you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:
1) deliver the head of a US citizen to any voting location; (a Halliburton employee will be counted as TWO votes);
2) blow up a Sunni temple AND a Shiite temple, and deliver a videotape of the explosions to Al Jazeera.
3) Please come to Najaf or Mosul to be “counted”; wear a black mask and BYORPG (bring your own RPGs);
If you wish to vote for the KURDISH candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:
1) killing yourself;
2) moving to Turkey;
3) getting AIDS from some corrupt American female soldier;
4) getting AIDS from some corrupt American male soldier, you heathen Sodomite!
4) all of the above.
The “Interim” Government of Iraq wishes to thank you in advance for voting in the upcoming democratic election.
We all know that within minutes of the election, the Nice American Soldiers will be packing up their Game Boys, IPODS, and western porno magazines and heading back to their homes in America — and any way that we can encourage this action and the subsequent uniting of all friendly, loving, compassionate Iraqi brothers and sisters will be good for the future of Iraq.
God Bless America — and Allah Bless Iraq!