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IRAQI ELECTION MEMO: Vote (and) or Die?

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MEMO TO ALL IRAQI CITIZENS:
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE UPCOMING ELECTION

Greetings, my fellow Iraqi citizens.

As you know, the ongoing reconstruction of our nation is making great progress under the auspices of the Nice American Soldiers.

As you also know, the first free democratic election in Iraqi history will occur in a few weeks. This election is the culmination of the American Liberation, and will be the final act before these 150,000 American soldiers go home happy with the knowledge that they left Iraq much better than when they found it.

Phase One, as you will remember, amounted to their glorious arrival — amid showers of kisses and flowers, by the way — in Baghdad — followed by the highly orchestrated photo-op toppling of Saddam’s statue live on American TV.

Placing the American flag on Saddam’s statue, as you recall, was a bit of ad hoc improv by a soldier who went ‘off-script’ — as they say in Hollywood. The American marketing people immediately recognized the faux pas inherent in that gesture, and it was quickly corrected by placing an Iranian flag over the statue — both of which unfortunately disappeared during the subsequent nation-wide looting that followed.

(Oh well, Democracy, as President Bush is so fond of saying — is “Hard Work.”)

Phase Two, as you recall, was the above-mentioned nation-wide looting, which allowed thirty years of anti-Baathist sentiment to be expressed over a few violent, anarchic days. It was what the Americans call “stress-release” — and is thought to be relatively health-inducing — although a side effect turned out to be the loss of humanity’s collection of Babylonian and Assyrian relics… plus the entire infrastructure of our humble nation.

Oh well, on to Phase Three.

Phase Three, as you remember, occurred in July of 2004, with the long awaited gesture known as “turning over sovereignty to the Iraqis.” This “Sovereignty” was touted as an effective solution to the death squads, beheadings, bombings, and anarchy which were running so rampant in our newly liberated nation.

Sovereignty meant that Iraqi army, Iraqi police, civic workers, and general public could now share in the sacrifices the American soldiers were making for our glorious, freedom-loving democracy. In other words, everyone — no matter what their job or nationality — could now die by a violent act for abstract American ideals that were probably impossible to attain.

And as you know, sovereignty was very effective in this regard. Earlier, those sacrifices had been made very ineffectively — at least from a numerical and resource allocation standpoint. Before July of ’03, sacrifices for Democracy were made a person at a time — through inefficient kidnappings and beheadings.

After July of ’03, these were consolidated into much more effective and efficient suicide bombings, roadside explosions, mass executions, and periodic assassinations.

Progress: it is good.

And now, in January of ’05, we have the upcoming elections. The following is meant to be a primer as to the technical details we are encouraging our fellow Iraqis to follow when it comes time to ‘cast your vote.’

If you wish to vote for the SUNNI candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) bomb a Shiite temple;
2) assassinate a Shiite cleric;
3) blow up an election hall in a Shiite neighborhood;
4) all of the above.

If you wish to vote for the SHIITE candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) bomb a Sunni temple;
2) assassinate a Sunni cleric;
3) blow up an election hall in a Sunni neighborhood;
4) all of the above.

If you wish to vote for an Islamic Terrorist candidate, (Al Qaeda party), you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) deliver the head of a US citizen to any voting location; (a Halliburton employee will be counted as TWO votes);
2) blow up a Sunni temple AND a Shiite temple, and deliver a videotape of the explosions to Al Jazeera.
3) Please come to Najaf or Mosul to be “counted”; wear a black mask and BYORPG (bring your own RPGs);

If you wish to vote for the KURDISH candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) killing yourself;
2) moving to Turkey;
3) getting AIDS from some corrupt American female soldier;
4) getting AIDS from some corrupt American male soldier, you heathen Sodomite!
4) all of the above.

The “Interim” Government of Iraq wishes to thank you in advance for voting in the upcoming democratic election.

We all know that within minutes of the election, the Nice American Soldiers will be packing up their Game Boys, IPODS, and western porno magazines and heading back to their homes in America — and any way that we can encourage this action and the subsequent uniting of all friendly, loving, compassionate Iraqi brothers and sisters will be good for the future of Iraq.

God Bless America — and Allah Bless Iraq!

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About Mark Shark

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Funny stuff! :)

  • Shark

    Thanks, RJ. Check’s in the mail!

    xxoo
    S

  • http://jadedreality.blogspot.com spiderleaf

    me too! me too!

    okay, now to actually read it… 😉

  • fortworthjet

    Good stuff unc., let me know when you post another.

  • daddio

    Which has a bigger mouth a black bass or a shark? Gotta be a shark. Shark you need to give freedom a chance in Iraq. They will have their elections and once all the Florida and Ohio votes are counted George W will be proclaimed the winner! Oh, wait that’s the wrong election. No really though, the Iraqi’s living in the States get to vote and they all want Wall Marts and Home Depots. So, which ever candidate gets the most Islamic Corporate support will win, and after all, isn’t that what any freedom lover would want ? Let freedom reign? rain? ri-eng!

  • Shark

    another opinion on the upcoming Iraqi bloodbath… um, I mean “election”.

  • kathy

    gee, at least their votes will actually be counted. Spreading freedom everywhere but the homefront!!!
    Oh well, gotta laugh. Thanks Shark

  • Eric Olsen

    the assertion that votes aren’t counted here, that there is some kind of systemic fraud or intentional repression of the vote for some segment of the population is simply a vile canard that those who are unhappy with election results refuse to allow to be dispelled by such things as fact

  • Shark

    Yeah, right Eric. Aren’t you in Ohio?

    Here’s more:

    You gotta lotta ‘splainin’ to do, Lucy…

    Also: Greg Palast has accumulated quite a lot of evidence for fraud in the latest US election.

    Once again…

    BTW: There are, at the VERY LEAST, some highly questionable practices occurring.

  • http://www.diablog.us Dave Nalle

    Greg Palast is a partisan advocate who would make up anything to advance his chosen issues.

    For the truth about the ‘fraud’ in Ohio I refer you to this article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

    Dave

  • Eric Olsen

    there will always be errors, inconsistencies and screw-ups in any human endeaor involving 100 milion people. The point is they weren’t systemic or intentional or conspiratorial.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    You all seem to forget that…

    BUSH IS HITLER!!!

    GLOBAL WAR FOR OIL AND PROFIT!!!

    STOLEN ELECTIONS!!!

    THE US CONSTITUTION IN A SHREDDER!!!

    Yep. Those are the arguments of the Left. Pretty convincing, no? 😛

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    Well, at least they fit well on a poster. And that may be the problem. If the entirety of your political thought can be summed up in 3 words in red magic marker then you might have a small substance problem.

    Dave

  • SFC SKI

    Is vitriol one of the 4 humors?

    Like everyone else here, I am waiting expectantly for the elections, unlike many, I am still optimistic for Iraq’s future. More Importantly, I am realistic enough to accept the fact that it won’t be over anytime soon, BUT, if the Iraqis are willing to make the efforts to build a free Iraq despite these threats, I will be willing to go back there again if need be to help them attain it. Unlike some other people, the Iraqis I met struck me (not like that) as people who know that have to work to achieve something, and seem willing to do so.

  • Shark

    Yep. Everything in Comment 12 sounds spot-on to me.

    BTW: A few years ago, it was ‘your side’ that never trusted the government.

    Nalle: “If the entirety of your political thought can be summed up in 3 words in red magic marker then you might have a small substance problem.”

    Not true. Bush won, didn’t he.

  • Shark

    SpfSki: “…I will be willing to go back there [Iraq] again if need be to help them attain it.”

    Bless yer heart.

    But will you pitch in if we wanna invade Ohio or Florida?

  • http://theugliestamerican.blogspot.com/ andy marsh

    Dave – that’s what happens when you sniff the markers while you’re writing with them!

  • Eric Olsen

    Shark, you’re a smart guy: surely your worldview is more nuanced than #12. If the thinking is this apocalyptic now, what is held in reserve for when things REALLY get bad? It is the lack of increments that disturbs me about the most vehement complaints against Bush, the war, etc.

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    Nalle: “If the entirety of your political thought can be summed up in 3 words in red magic marker then you might have a small substance problem.”

    Shark: I’m rubber, you’re glue. Nyah Nyah.

    Dave

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    Here goes, check out the Boondocks today

  • Shark

    Aaman, thanks for the link to the cartoon.

    Nice time to remind voters:

    ONLY FOUR DAYS LEFT to kill your fellow countrymen before the election!

    Soon, we’ll be announcing the voting locations so you can make plans to blow them up.

    Remember: every bullet is a ballot, and every bomb is a vote.