Attending the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College was a heartfelt dream of Noah Baird’s, but alas, his grades didn’t quite cut it and crushed those dreams to dust. With that dream gone, he was able to join and fly in the U.S. Navy for 14 years. That was all fine and dandy until one day the government decided that surfer dudes just didn’t cut it in the career of military aviators.
Not allowing that to keep him down, Mr. Baird went on to try his hand at stand-up comedy in Hawaii for Japanese tourists (who would have known that such a small thing like a language barrier could put a really bad twist on some really killer jokes?!). On the positive side, Mr. Baird did manage to have a sailboat named after the punchline of one of his jokes.
After such endeavors, what is a man to do? Well, Noah Baird decided to try his hand at writing, where he has experienced a bit of success. Mr. Baird has published many political satire pieces in The Spoof under the pen name of orioncrew. He has also managed to squeeze in receiving his bachelor’s degree in Historical and Political Sciences from Chaminade University, where he proudly graduated Magna Cum Laude.
Unfortunately, Noah Baird failed to learn anything about hoaxing bigfoot. That, however, did not stop him from writing an incredibly imaginative and gut-busting story about just that in his first novel, Donations to Clarity.
Please tell us a bit about your book.
The plan was simple: hoax bigfoot, then sell tours to bigfoot enthusiasts. The plan wasn’t brilliant, and neither were Harry, Earl, and Patch. The three chemical-abusing friends only wanted to avoid the 9 to 5 rat race, but their antics attract the attention of a real bigfoot. When the misogynistic Earl is mistaken for a female bigfoot by the nearsighted creature and captured, it is just the beginning of their problems.
The U.S. Government has a plan to naturalize the mythical creatures living within the U.S. borders. The problem is the plan needs to be carried out carefully. You can’t just drop little green men and Sasquatch in the middle of Walmart without warning Ma and Pa Taxpayer. The naturalization program is not ready to be set into motion, and the rogue bigfoot is bringing too much attention to itself, including a feisty investigative reporter who uncovers the truth of the government conspiracy and two bigfoot researchers. No longer able to contain the situation, government agents are tasked with eliminating the bigfoot and all witnesses.
Between bong hits and water balloon fights, Harry and Patch come up with a plan to save Earl and the lovestruck bigfoot. Where do you hide a giant, mythical creature? In an insane asylum, because who is going to listen to them?
Along the way, the three friends learn Star Wars was a government training film for children, the truth behind Elvis meeting President Nixon, and the significance of the weight of the human turd.
What you hope readers take away from reading Donations to Clarity?
Nothing. I wanted to write sitcom literature. I hope they laugh for a little while.
Who are your favorite characters in the story?
Bigfoot was probably the most fun to write.
Do you have a favorite line or excerpt from your book?
Not one thing sticks in my head. I laughed a lot while I was writing, so it’s hard to pick one line.
If your current release were to be turned into a movie, who would you love to see play what characters and why?
I would love to see the Broken Lizard comedy troupe do the movie. They did the movie Super Troopers. I think Jay Chandrasekhar could play the Elvis-impersonating sheriff.
What are your favorite aspects of writing?
I like coming up with bizarre stories that are funny.
Your least favorite aspects of writing?
It’s a lot like work. I thought it would be more like Hemingway’s life: drinking and fishing.
Who are some of your favorite authors/books?
Christopher Moore and Tim Dorsey are probably my favorites. Tom Robbins and Mark Twain were huge influences on me.
What are you reading right now?
I am rereading Tom Robbins’ Still Life With Woodpecker while I wait for Chuck Palahnuik’s Damned to arrive. I just finished Joe R. Lansdale’s Flaming Zepplin.
If you could have a dinner party and invite five authors — dead or alive — who would they be and what would you serve them?
Mark Twain, Christopher Moore, Tim Dorsey, Carl Hiaasen, and Michael Chrichton. Does it have to be dinner? I think we’d go to a cigar bar, drink scotch, and tell lies about women.
What is a book that you wish you could say that you had written and why?
Mark Twain’s The Diaries of Adam and Eve. It is the most accurate observations of the differences between men and women I’ve ever read.
What is the greatest piece of advice (for writing and/or just living) that you have heard?
You can edit bad writing. You can’t edit a blank page.