A man seems to awaken sometime in middle school or high school, when he discovers that he is smitten with the girl across the classroom. At least, it happened for me at that time, though others felt the sensation stir as early as primary school. For me it was sometime in middle school. And the desire to make my feelings known and the girl to return them with affection and affirmation became overpowering.
This is not about one girl or one story. Guys go to bed every night, thinking or wrestling with the thought of a woman or women, or maybe even an actual woman there. A large part of our emotions and thoughts is devoted to sexuality: thoughts like I can get her. There's also that bitch fucked me over, as some delve into past forays with women.
Some guys don't really operate on that level, though; they've resigned to a simple life of easy conquest and uncomplicated interaction with women. I meet them, I bag them, I partner with them, I marry them, I divorce them, I think of them. For those guys, it's simple.
For other guys, those who seem to share my circles, it's a struggle. Women are elusive and it pains us, unlike guys who just put it down to a different genetic makeup and some psychobabble they mangle to explain female behavior. I'll call them Breezers and the other type Deepers. A Breezer rarely struggles with the inscrutability of women; if he does, there seem to be social rites and forms to help him get through it: the drinking binge, the one-night stand, casual encounters, and the staple diet of pornography that becomes the main sustenance.
I am most likely a Deeper. I don't get women and I'm not ashamed of it and I don't make light of it. I find women on the whole to be insecure, sometimes driven by insecurity every day of their lives. I've spent many, many days and months and years, trying to analyze and understand their actions, words, and thought processes. This will not be an essay where I attack the subject by making light of it. This is a testament of my frustration and a public record of how and why I want to give up on them, but I can't. A large part of my happiness, present and future, seems locked into the presence of another woman in my life.
I am an Orthodox Christian and that makes it very hard to not like women, struggle with them, and often wonder about them. The Virgin Mary lies slightly off center near the very core of our devotions, liturgical prayers, and saintly intercessions, and dead center in our theology. Without the womb of Mary, there is no Incarnate Christ. Our hagiography and hymnology extols her virtues, her inner beauty, her outer radiance, her submission to God, her purity: her very example as the prime of womanhood. I look at her, Mary, the Theotokos (in English, the Bearer of God) and I'm beyond confused. I put the hagiography and Scripture in context, but still she really does take the cake. She really is this untouched epitome of womanhood. I remember conducting midnight praises in church and looking at her icon. I would think to myself, the women I know are nothing like you, St. Mary.
I've wondered why a lot of the women I've met recently were unable to be honest with me. I showed them my interest with both words and actions. I'm not one to shy away from making the effort; I don't heed blindly the advice of modern magazines geared towards men. Swingers to me is a funny film with advice you laugh at rather than follow. The principles I glean from that film and the subculture of man-power (treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen, cocky-funny) empower me more as a man: respect yourself, don't be clingy, have your own life, develop a strong personality, develop your life separate from the affirmation of a woman.
That last one hits home deeply. That, I've done. I have respected myself more lately, more this year than any other year. I've put my foot down, not accepted the things that the girls did, cut the cord, and moved on. But you're left with that hole inside and not knowing what to do with it. Women still lie to me. Women still make up crap to keep me sweet. Women still will do everything, even as far as to delude me, to avoid telling me flat-out that they're not interested. And I don't get it.
I said earlier that I haven't been able to figure out why women I'm interested in weren't honest with me. That takes me to a central truism to which many women subscribe: I don't want to hurt his feelings.
I see this truism stemming from three immovable perceptions in the minds of women. First, men are weak, emotionally frail, and driven purely by their pride. Second, the most important thing to achieve out of a situation is a simple, painless ending or dissolution. Finally, it's a woman's prerogative to choose whom she wants.
I don't want to hurt his feelings. This is essentially deception. Letting down a guy easy by giving him a staid reason for why things won't work out is dishonest. And it's demeaning to a guy to think that he can't handle the real reasons. How much more demeaning is it that women assume all men want to live in blissful ignorance in order to not to feel humiliated.
I don't want to hurt his feelings. The most important thing to achieve from a situation is for both parties to move on. Make it simple and painless after you've come clean. I find women whom can't confront the reality that they don't want to date you anymore to be cowards. They're cowards who, in wanting this "painless" ending, are sadly protected by a like-minded society. "Take care of you, girl." "You deserve so much better." "You did the right thing, it's your choice!"
I don't want to hurt his feelings. Is it really your choice? Is it really your prerogative? Does choice come at the expense of a guy's self-respect? Does your prerogative mean that the man's right to be informed is denied? This boils down to a question of whose rights are more important, his to be informed and to be respected, or hers to choose?
I don't know if this question has ever weighed heavily in a woman's mind as she's dodging your phone calls or shooting back tepid, one-word answers by text message. Facebook has made it even more simple (and ultimately painful) to see how a woman deals with a situation like this. People can spend hours and hours shooting out pointless status updates, but they will conveniently ignore your wall post or private message. You don't even have to be watching the newsfeed. It happens; girls are "busy." People are "busy." Selectively.
Are women evil? Not all and not fundamentally, but I'm in the process of coming to believe that a large part of their insecurity morphs into a drunkenness with power, realizing that they have a choice of men at their behest. I don't think many women choose to be like this. However, over time, after being screwed over by a string of guys, the power to injure and deceive becomes infinitely more attractive. Those women who do want mates find them. Those who don't, those who don't really want one, really don't want you. When I meet a girl and I like her, and I want to pursue her, one thought starts to drive me: are you a liar? Are you dishonest? Will you fuck me over? Perhaps Deepers have a lot in common with women; we're both very insecure. We both eye each other with the same longing for companionship and then assail each other silently with our fears.
Yes. I'm an injured guy, a wounded Deeper. And the purpose of this essay is not to be a soapbox to attack women because I can't do it otherwise. I could go out now and injure a woman. I don't need to hide behind a blog and the written word to vent. All I need is to reach a intellectual and emotional state where acting out my unbridled hurt and anger is completely valid to me. It's an illusion that only a select few men can come over themselves to hurt and injure women. All guys can do it, no one is immune from this supposed moral no-no. We think that we can protect ourselves with our backgrounds, upbringings, or religious convictions. We think that we're fundamentally different from sexual deviants. Guys who beat their partners are guys who drink beer and pay taxes and wear trousers. Nothing really differentiates me or the next guy from a wife-beater or a serial rapist; the latter two simply act on their convictions about women. What most guys do is perhaps restrict themselves to the odd dark thought or two, or the customary woman-bashing in the company of the lads.
I remember a girl I once loved. She was engaged, but had asked me to spend time with her one night. She was drunk. I knew what would happen; she would call me. Seeing her fanned old flames. So, I went to see her around 2 AM and we talked. And in the morning, when I woke up next to her fully clothed, I was somewhere between bliss and anxiety, knowing that this moment would end soon. I could never have predicted that it would end because I wouldn't sleep with her. She went quiet and asked me to leave. And that was it.
She very clearly chose her rights over mine.