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In Which A Boston Fan Rants And Raves

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Let me reiterate something that may be lost to some.

I’m a Patriots fan.

This isn’t a fair and balanced, unbiased breakdown of every game in the New England Patriots’ season; it’s a fan’s opinion on the goings-on of his team. That’s why this feature is called New Englander in Exile. ‘Cause I’m a New Englander. I’m from New England. Maine, to be precise. And now I live in Los Angeles. Hence: exile.

So no more “typical Boston fan”, “you’re just a cheerleader”, “way to predict things incorrectly dorkface” comments. Hell yeah, I’m a cheerleader. Rah rah sis boom bah, b*tches!

It’s like the people that read Bill Simmons just to hate on him. Why do you read him if you hate him so much? I can’t comprehend sitting through something that’s unpleasant for me. Or the people that picket outside movies like Dogma. Just don’t watch it! Two and a Half Men is like a television abortion. I couldn’t watch it if you paid me. So I don’t. Gene Wojchiehowski [sic] is the worst sports writer on the face of the Earth. So I don’t read him. The Lakers are on and they’re not playing the Celts? I change the channel. If you don’t like Boston fans, don’t read me. Don’t read Simmons. Don’t read Shaughnessy. (Actually someone who manages to squeeze Buckner into every conversation isn’t really a Boston fan. Scratch Shaughnessy.)

So, to make a long story short: Yes, I was wrong about games against the Saints and the Colts. They’re pretty darn good. But the Saints aren’t the 2007 Patriots and the Colts aren’t the 1972 Dolphins, so let’s not go nuts. And I still think Brett Favre and the Vikings can beat New Orleans in the NFC Championship. It is good, though, to see the guy responsible for pumping in all that fake crowd noise at the RCA Dome years ago got some new work in Louisiana. Good for him.

But you know what’s worse than predicting a game incorrectly? If I had picked the Colts and the Saints and the Pats had won. That would’ve made me feel worse. That’s the main reason why I don’t do fantasy sports. I can’t bring myself to cheer for other teams’ players, even if there’s a big pile of money at the end of the rainbow. It’s just not in my blood. MY SPORTS FANDOM CANNOT BE BOUGHT, YOU HELL HOUNDS!

Anyway, the Dolphins. New England’s 1-4 on the road this year, though we’re 0-4 in North America. Not good. The Dolphins just run the ball and throw a lot of rinky-dink passes over the middle, something the Patriots have had trouble with defensively this season. Other things the Patriots have had trouble with defensively this season? Everything.

Forecast: This has all the makings of a trap game. The Fins need to get back to .500 to still be in postseason contention. The Patriots might just be exhausted from all the travelling. Still picking the Pats though, ‘cause I’m a FOOLHARDY DRUNK IRISH RACIST BOSTON FAN! WHOOOO, DROPKICK MURPHYS!

Prediction: New England 28 Miami 20

MVP: TE – Benjamin Watson: I see him snagging two scores and trucking a couple Miami linebackers in the process.

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About Ethan Booker

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    You’re a WHAT?

    I’m sorry, I have no idea how that fact got by me when I was screening new writers.

  • http://lowposts.com/ ebooker

    I’ll hand in my gun & badge..

  • Tony

    You perfectly illustrated the most annoying aspect of Boston fans. Just because you’re a fan of the teams you believe it automatically makes you a cheerleader. You can write about a team you root for while still recognizing said teams fault.

  • Grampie Bob

    Being a Red Sox fan from 1957 to 1967 made me the man I am today. Never too high; never to low. It’s never over until it’s over. Like you son when the going gets tough…look to the next season.

  • http://lowposts.com/ ebooker

    Ah, but what if they’re faultless? WHAT THEN, TONY!

  • Tony

    If the team is without fault the team in question surely isn’t the Red Sox. That’s a purely hypothetical question.

  • http://lowposts.com/ ebooker

    I’m gonna buy you a sense of humor for Christmas, Tone..

  • Tony

    Then I’ll re-gift you because i know how Boston fans get when you make fun of their sports teams.

  • Tony

    Sorry you don’t find Red Sox jokes funny but everyone outside of a 100 mile radius of where you live does.

  • http://lowposts.com/ ebooker

    /facepalm