I am involved with a married man who has children.
I believe he loves me, and I certainly love him. This is a deep and significant connection unrivalled by my previous relationships. As a result of this relationship, both of us have lost weight and our performances in our respective professions have also suffered significantly. We break up and get together over and over in an endless cycle. His main concern is his children, who he understandably does not wish to disadvantage or spend less time with.
We both desire a legitimate relationship, but if this is not to be, I am unsure as to the appropriate course of action to take. It is most certainly not in my nature to cut all contact, which we have both attempted with enormous failure. That said, I can't wait forever until we crash and burn (which seems likely to me, the way it is going).
I love him, what should I do?
Venus in Pisces
With all due respect, you do not sound as if you are in love. You sound as if you are addicted and in the denial that goes hand in hand with it. Here is a fact:
When a person is good for you and a relationship healthy, you do not lose weight and become disabled on the job. It’s exactly the opposite. A good relationship feeds you like water and nutrients to a plant… to which you respond with vigor.
And though I believe your attachment to this man is “unrivalled," all that really means is you are more addicted than you have ever been before. And you’re twenty, you know. You will probably be thirty, forty, fifty, and sixty. And you’re going to meet scads of men — so stop telling yourself this guy is the be all end all. Because who is he really?
He is someone who cheats on his wife and lies to his family! To be honest, he sounds like a baby-man to me. He is not concerned with his children! He is concerned with himself. He’s not concerned with you either. That’s a head fake. What he’s concerned with is his own needs, and he is willing to hang your life up like this to have them serviced. He’s willing to have you writhe around at night missing him while he sleeps with another woman. And you’re willing to allow it!
You’re akin to a heroin addict with this guy, you know. Oh God. My body is skinny. I can’t work! I am emaciated on this drug and probably nothing good can come of it, but I guess I’ll stick this needle in my arm one more time and see if that helps…
Obviously, you need to put the needle down. Get support wherever you can. Good luck.