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I’m Going To Rehab, Too

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The first step in recovery is announcing it. I don’t even think you have to go to a rehabilitation program, but you certainly have to tell people you are. That is what is totally awesome. The first, middle, and last step of recovery is announcing you are going to rehab.

I read today that Brittney Spears is in rehab. Why? I think because she showed her vagina in public. Me? I am staunchly pro-vag showing in public, but I am not in charge of these things. This is why I, too, need to go to rehab.

Last month, that actor from Grey’s Anatomy called his co-star a ‘fag’. He did this in front of the whole cast and cameras, so it was tough to deny. Yet, genius went on TV the very next week and said, “I never called him a ‘fag’.” Needless to say, this isn’t how you show sensitivity. The actor announced he was going to enter rehab – seriously.

Isaiah Washington entered himself into rehab for calling his co-worker a ‘fag’. While I am not proud of it, I have certainly used that term as well. For me, though, it was never a reference to sexuality or hate. It is just bad Gen X slang I am trying to shake. Specifically, something like this might be said, “You drank my last beer, you fag.” This is not acceptable use of the vernacular, and I am not justifying it, just explaining it. For this reason, I am going to enter rehab.

The reason you aren’t supposed to say that ‘f’ word is because it is hurtful, derogatory, and totally unnecessary. Ah, never mind the explanation; just stop using that term (same goes for ‘retard’). Stop using it, and then tell people you were in rehab. Case closed!

Last week, defrocked and humiliated Reverend Ted Haggard announced he was just out of rehab. What was he being in rehab for? Being gay. True story; he went to rehab to de-gay and wanted everyone to know it worked. I am not gay, but I certainly wouldn’t kick Eddie Vedder out of bed, if you know what I mean. Clearly, I need to go to rehab as well.

Lindsay Lohan was in rehab this fall, but not for alcohol or drugs. Nope, her mommy said Lindsay didn’t do drugs or alcohol. What was Lindsay Lohan in rehab for? ‘Exhaustion’. I am tired much of the time, too. Getting out of bed sucks, especially on Mondays. Surely, rehab will fix that. No matter what you did, rehab will fix it.

Well, actually it won’t. Change has to come from inside. Rehab won’t fix anything you aren’t willing to address and change from the inside. Real rehabilitation takes a lifetime and is very painful work. However, telling people you are going to rehab is totally easier. This also works at work. If you do something stupid at work, just tell your boss you are going to rehab. Once you do that, you are a protected class with a disability. Once you are a protected class, you are untouchable! It totally rocks.

Keep count now because this is valuable information. If you are gay (Haggard), or not gay (Washington), telling folks you are going into rehab can fix it. Do you like showing vag in public? You need not put on underwear, just to go rehab. Do you like not going out and drinking? Rehab will fix that. Rehab will fix you and it is already about to fix me.

I forgot about this one: Do you hate Jews? I mean really hate Jews? There is a way to fix that. Tell people you are going to rehab and they will forgive you. Mel Gibson announced he was going to rehab after blaming all the world’s problems on the Jews.

Remember Kramer from Seinfeld? The dude totally snapped and dropped more N-bombs than a Chris Rock set, but then mentioned that if this were another time, they would all be hung. I mean, rather serious hate. Yeah, Richards announced he was doing rehab too, so I guess it doesn’t count that he is a raging hateful racist.

Personal development is totally gay. Bettering yourself as a human through relationships and compassion sounds like a bunch of Jew talk. Wearing panties is for a bunch of pussies. This is America. If you want to be forgiven for anything, just tell us you are going to rehab, fag.

* Bonus info: You need not actually go to rehab. Just stay out of the clubs for three weeks. That is all you have to do. Now before you chew my head off, I am not making fun of the idea of rehabilitation. I am making fun of people talking about going into rehab.

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  • mora

    great article. you are too funny!!!

  • OK folks, i couldn’t even make this one up. Britney just got out of rehab and shaved her head. Pictures here!

  • Aku

    When I forget to wash my dishes next time, I’ll go to rehab.

  • Aless


    You know when you’re a Pearl Jam fanatic when after a night boozing, you hang with your buds. You don’t remember a thing in the morning, but they all swear you were french kissing your EV door poster. The one where’s he’s all sweaty and leaning against Jeff Ament.

    You’re straight.

    You’re also not alone. Time for PJ fan rehab.

  • indeed, I am a crazy serious Pearl Jam fan. This summer will be 10 years in the fan club…. which is nice because they distribute tix by seniority. I am always in the first few rows at every show. PJ rules.

    Crap, it was finally warm enough for the first time in three months in Denver to take down the Christmas lights but I spaced it. I think I will go to rehab tomorrow (instead of taking down the lights). See how this works? It is a panacea for everything!