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If The Slipper Fits, Wait ‘Til It’s On Sale

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Suss: At the trade deadline, the Cleveland Indians were able to unload Cy Young pitcher Cliff Lee and All-Star catcher Victor Martinez in exchange for an exclusive viewing of the new reality show Shaq Vs. on their new flat-screen TV. This just in, the Indians have traded their flat screen TV to the Yankees in exchange for 50 pounds of cathode ray tubes and Kei Igawa. Indians GM Mark Shapiro then flipped Igawa for a Palm Pre.
Tuffy: Two more names from the 2003 MLB PED test list were leaked this week. While Bullwinkle chose not to comment, Rocky admitted his lack of gliding since 2004 has been due to increased drug testing by Toontown officials. One unnamed source told the Treehouse Fort, “Who’s the Badinov one now, eh?”
Suss: The Florida Panthers are offering a $2,500 hockey ticket that, among other benefits, includes one minute in the radio booth with the official broadcaster Randy Moller. According to Moller’s wife, their wedding night was the other way around.
Tuffy: Michael Phelps scored a win in the 100m butterfly in world record time this week at the World Swimming Championships. However, controversy ensued when the second-place finisher declared in the press conference that Phelps’ new high-tech suit might actually be the carcass of Flipper, who has been missing since 1967. Phelps mockingly replied, “In that case, you should call him Lightning ‘cuz I’m faster than him.” Flipper’s family, reached in Boca Raton, demanded a federal investigation into the matter.
Suss: Former Pittsburgh and current Washington Nationals player Sean Burnett called the Pirates the “laughingstock of baseball” before the Nationals began a three-game series in Pittsburgh. In a related story, Friday’s game was postponed on account of irony.
Tuffy: Tiger Woods will take a one-shot lead into Sunday’s final round of the Buick Invitational, showing dominance yet again in an event sponsored by one of the main corporate benefactors of Woods during his career. This type of synergy in golf has not been seen since Fred Flintstone won six Rockstone Motors Invitationals.
Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”
Greg McMackin, using gay slur to describe ’08 bowl opponent Notre Dame’s chant/dance
Cleveland Indians, scheduling Victor Martinez’s bobblehead night for the day after the trade deadline
Sports reporter Kevin Provencher, arrested for operating prostitution ring in a Massachusetts hotel
Josh Johnson, answering Kirby Puckett to SI question on who he’s “dying to interview”
Florida Panthers executive Uri Man, hitting on Fox News anchor on live TV
Omar Minaya, questioning Mets beat reporter Adam Rubin’s motives, accusing him of lobbying for Mets job
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