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If I Were Joakim Noah

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I'd simultaneously be the most popular and ugliest college student in Florida.

I'd be one of the top-five finalists for the Oscar Robertson Trophy, along with Texas's Kevin Durant, Ohio State's Greg Oden, North Carolina's Tyler Hansbrough, and Wisconsin's Alando Tucker. I may not win it this year, but how many of those guys are the toast of their campus like me, Joakim Noah?

I'd feel like total shit for losing three of the four games to unranked opponents, but wouldn't feel too bad, because of that one championship I already won.

It's not like I wouldn't care that we're a top-five team about to plummet in the rankings because of a bad couple weeks, but I of all people should know that the real fun begins in March.

You've Gotta Be JoakimI'd accept that my NBA stock fell a little this year because my numbers aren't that great, but it's all right. It's not like I need millions of dollars. My tennis mogul and Swedish mom are both loaded. And I'd laugh at anyone who said that I should have declared for the draft last year. The dude doesn't realize just how much fun I'm having this year. You only get to go to college and be The Man once in your life.

I have a girlfriend (love ya, baby!), but if I didn't, I'd select one by holding tryouts, walking down the line, and then pointing to the one I wanted.

I'd stay the hell away from Facebook, despite the fact that others will pose as me anyway. And MySpace? Don't bother asking.

And once my Florida Gators make the NCAA basketball championship for a second straight year, I'll finally understand how Matt Leinart felt after the Rose Bowl.

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About Suss

  • Carmel, Calif.

    Ironic, when posting comments to this column, it reads “personal attacks are not allowed.”

    Well, after seeing the headshot in your byline, I couldn’t resist. Nuff said.