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If Al Gore Had Been President…

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  1. We’d have a surplus instead of a massive deficit. We wouldn’t be owned by China.
  2. We’d be admired by the world. Everybody would love America.
  3. We wouldn’t be fighting any stupid wars. Our troops wouldn’t be dying for nothing.
  4. Our government wouldn’t be lying to us.
  5. Saddam would be contained inside his two-bit desert borders.
  6. Bin-Laden would’ve been caught and standing trial in The Hague.
  7. We’d be breathing cleaner air.
  8. There’d be two more women sitting on the Supreme Court.
  9. There’d be hybrid cars galore and even hydrogen-powered cars on the road.
  10. We wouldn’t be famous for torturing people to death — and for defending this practice.
  11. Our President wouldn’t be making the same speech over and over and over again.
  12. We wouldn’t be suffering under our first truly insane, divorced-from-reality administration, which has half our nation living in a world that’s divorced from reality, and the other half not believing what’s happening.
  13. We’d be proud to be Americans, and the world would be proud of us.
  14. One negative: we’d be totally bored by Vice-President Joe Lieberman. There’d be a special TV channel that plays his speeches from 11 pm onwards to help insomniacs sleep.
  15. (ENJOYED this? More stuff like it on my irreverent blog at Adam Ash.)

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  • Nixx

    Four years later, and I wonder how you all feel about this now… Baronius should have read Greg Palast’s “The Best Democracy Money Can Buy.”

  • unknown

    if Al Gore had been present we’d be someones b*tch right now!

  • Re: 49 & 55:
    Joe’s comment above is nasty and has some unsubstantiated Albert-Goldman gossip, but I have to agree with the central idea of it, Natalie. Great musician that John Lennon was, his activism was pretty minimal and he abandoned it years before he was killed. Being a brilliant songwriter and musician doesn’t make him belong in a category with JFK or MLK.

  • joe

    Response to #49: John Lennon? He had a terribly violent temper…possibly responsible for one of the original Beatles’ death…flew into a rage outside a London nightclub and kicked his mate in the head with pointy-toe boots and fractured his friends skull…his friend died from a cerebral hemmorage years later…Lennon blamed himself…was a complete rougue to his first born, Julian…Lennon was one of the biggest frauds ever perpetrated on the American Public…Peacenik = album sales…period.

  • lol about the naked links. :}

  • Bliffle

    “…After Al Gore destroyed the state of Oregon…”

    How alarming! Does that mean the Ashland Shakespeare festival is off this year? Need I change my plans?

  • Bliffle

    “…CL, please don’t post naked URLs – …”

    URLs gone wild! The imagination reels!

  • Baronius

    For those who haven’t read Chance’s links:

    The NORC (University of Chicago) study found that both the Gore (four counties) and Florida Supreme Court (all counties) recount strategies would have shown Bush as the victor. The scenarios that favored Gore involved standards about what counted as a vote (incomplete punches, overvotes, and possible butterfly / caterpillar ballot errors).

    The Washington Post study dealt with overvotes.

    The Tribune study found that a recount of ballots which were unreadable by optical readers would have resulted in a smaller Gore loss.

  • Jamo

    No, see there’s an enormous difference between looking to the future and dreaming of changing the world for the better and talking about “what if.” “What if” is useless and unproductive. What King and Kennedy and Lennon (I guess) did was look forward.

    By the way — if you really believe that the Bush administration is the reason why other nations of the world dislike us you are either really misinformed or ignorant of anything that happened in world politics before 2000.

  • Re: 47 – Mr./Ms. Jamo, won’t becomes true only if someone says we can’t. And making a better world of peace, justice, and freedom for all starts with a dream: MLK and JFK and John Lennon died in pursuit of their dreams. Thankfully, they shared their visions so that modern-day dreamers can continue pursuing them. If that’s a bad thing, so be it.

  • Eric,
    sorry about that. I’ll do so in the future. IN the meantime back to daydreaming about what might have happened if anyone in the White House had read its own daily security briefings on August 6, 2001 and wondering why the president hasn’t responded to the 9/11 commissions latest report that the Administration hasn’t followed through on its significant recommendations.
    did you read the National Strategy for Victory in Iraq. Is it just liberals who seem to daydream?
    I’ve personally always been fond of daydreams, it reminds me of a speech made at the Lincoln Memorial when I was young.

  • Jamo

    I don’t get this. Nobody can say what would have happened had Al Gore been elected and to assume that he would have made things better is representative of the backward thinking you liberals are noted for. Instead of thinking of solutions and creating ways to make things work you and your ilk sit around daydreaming of a world that doesn’t and won’t exist.

  • Eric Olsen

    CL, please don’t post naked URLs – make them actual links, such I did for you in number 44

  • here

    Here’s a link to a University of Chicago study that looked at various ballot scenarios. It says that Bush might still have won had the recount happened in the four counties subject to the four Florida counties identified by the Gore team, but goes on to project very different results in different scenarios.

  • RogerMDillon

    If Al Gore had been President, we see people writing half-serious, half-stupid lists filled with 20/20 hindsight and delusions of possibilities attacking him and praising what Bush would have done.

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    You know, in Hebrew, the word “bushá” (pronounced booshá) means embarrassment. Can you all figure out what we generally say about your president over here? I’ll give you a hint. The word “is” doesn’t exist in Hebrew.

    The first one to figure it out gets a (virtual) dozen sufganyót – jelly doughnuts.

    End of Hebrew lesson. Class dismissed.

  • Ruvy and ZingZing have the scenario about right in their two alternative versions. Mix them together and you’ve got a perfect prediction.

    But Scott deserves a ‘comment of the day’ award for #13 and/or #14. Seriously. Laughed my ass off.


  • Where is Adam from? They grow some serious psychoactive mushrooms there. Maybe he can send me some.


  • Baronius

    Oops. Sorry; Unknown’s comments came up while I was posting. Natalie is right about my support of Bush. (Although that’s not why I’m saying that Bush won. I’ll admit it when my candidate loses.)

  • Mr./Ms. Zingzing, I am with you. Didn’t vote for Gore because I saw little substantive difference between him and the Shrub. Didn’t vote for Shrub for a host of reasons, one being that I saw little substantive difference between him and AlGore.

    Mr./Ms. Unknown, I believe Mr. Baronius is a right-wing Bush supporter (if his comments on other postings are accurate indicators).

  • Luke

    “We’d have a surplus instead of a massive deficit. We wouldn’t be owned by China.” The best America can ever hope for is a deficit that isn’t quite so massive, you might as well just erase the world surplus from your vocabulary because it’s simply not a possible scenario, any which way you look at it.

    “If Al Gore was president Muslims would be lining up to give us blowjobs because they love america so much”

  • unknown

    does that mean your for BUSH

  • Baronius

    Let me clarify that. The Gore team asked for recounts in the places that they expected to pick up votes. They picked up a few, but not enough. Should the recounts have been done statewide, they would likely have balanced out (with Bush strongholds increasing their counts). So under the most favorable counting schema, Gore would have lost. That he would win in a less favorable recount is irrational. Hence my scepticism about your studies.

  • unknown

    are you for BUSH?

  • Baronius

    Chance, I’m unfamiliar with “the studies” you cite. From everything I’ve read, the Democratic lawyers were arguing against a complete recount, because it would’ve increased the tally in pro-Bush counties. Ditto with the military ballots. The Gore team was very careful about which ballots it wanted recounted. Those ballots were eventually recounted, and confirmed Bush’s victory. As for statistical projections, they are far too speculative to support a belief that Bush cheated or lost.

  • unknown


  • to be accurate, had the entire state been recounted Gore would have won according to the studies.

    so if the state had counted all its votes….but obviously if Katherine Harris and the Supreme Court disagreed the actual ballots shouldn’t matter.

  • Baronius

    Tommy, what about the actual vote count? And the certification of the vote? And the ruling by the Florida legislature? And the ruling by the US Supreme Court? Everyone except the Florida Supreme Court has ruled definitively, repeatedly, on the election. And the Florida Supreme Court never ruled that Gore won; they called for a further recount. The recount(s) subsequently took place, and confirmed Bush’s victory.

  • tommyd

    What are all the Bush sycophants yapping their gums about saying “IF” Al Gore was president. AL GORE WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT BY THE PEOPLE UNTIL THE PYSCHOTIC BUSH REGIME PULLED OFF THEIR COUP D’ETAT AND STOLE IT.

    The Bush adminstration has been an unequaled DISASTER for millions upon millions of Americans and millions more around the world, and yet, there’s some people here who continue to cheerlead the Chimp in Chief as some kind of god while the same cheerleaders rant and rave against dissenters who point out the Emperor has no clothes.

    This country is fucked.

  • Hey, let’s not promote coffee. Next thing you know we’ll be invading Columbia to kill Juan Valdez for not driving coffee prices up. And there’s Castro in Cuba… oh I forgot, do we even get sugar from Cuba any more? Lord knows, we can’t target the Cuban cigars, what would members of Congress have to satiate their phallic desires? Monica, your country needs you.

  • Nancy

    I suppose I could give S&S a hand at Rovian sleaze-slinging, unless they want to take the high road, in which case I can be a go-fer. I make decent coffee, but no one should eat my cooking.

  • Silas & Suss! Yes, I’m all for it.

    Or Suss & Silas. However they want to work it out. I’m not picky. I just want a speechwriting gig or something. Can y’all help a girl out?

  • lol….One of the interesting things about Richard Clarke’s book was that Al Gore was the only member of the Clinton Administration who spoke up about the need for improved airport security. This, apparently, became part of the mantra that Al was really boring.

    It’s a W Life link

  • Sussman, I will direct your TV ads. =)

  • FL Voter

    I love these ‘counter’ lists that the right wingers come up with. The visual of Ted Kennedy skinny dipping in the WH pool…LOL!

    I’m not sure that all of this would be true, but I’m pretty sure that we would not have invaded Iraq on the basis of sketchy intel and without the support of the remainder of the free world.

    Great stuff…

  • zingzing

    if gore had been president:
    1) we would have been attacked by terrorists
    2) a “war on terror” (what the fuck is that?) would have been started without a declaration of war, or really knowing who the enemy is… or really caring… as long as they have o-i-l…
    3) our economy would have struggled and limped along, until scary asian bird flu came to kill it off
    4) killer hurricanes would have struck the south, but not killing enough southern republicans to make sure that gore is re-elected.
    5) human and civil rights would have been restricted in the name of fear
    6) scientific research would have been restricted in the name of Gawd (you know, my uncle has parkinson’s… fuck you, gore, you’re killing my family)
    7) homosexuals would be denied their civil rights to watch their loved ones die. they would also not be able to get health insurance together… because they really aren’t human…
    8) “separation of church and state” would be replaced “christian god’s law.” “freedom of religion” would be replaced by “freedom of MY religion to rule over YOUR life”
    9) the usa would walk the earth, defending it from itself, like the daddies we are. “go to your rooms, middle east!” “stop playing with that nuclear power, everyone, you don’t know what you’re doing with it… i’ll teach you how to kill people with it, if you suddenly turn white and/or european…”
    10) all the conservatives would be made to suck their own assholes

    oh, wait… am i not obvious enough?
    really, i don’t think it matters much. all politicians should be locked up and kicked and tortured and killed and blamed for everything wrong on this wretched planet. stupid, greedy pigs deserve nothing but contempt.

  • George W. Bush would not be President, if Al Gore had been President. That, in and of itself, is all I need to know. Prepare ye the way of the Hillary…

  • Alisha and Nancy, good thing I have two supporters. That Pajiba ad will be paying for the American people’s turkey pastrami.

  • SonnyD

    Gee, thanks for the hilariously funny article. But, shouldn’t it have been listed under Satire? After Al Gore destroyed the state of Oregon to please his campaign contributers in the Sierra Club, all we needed was to have the smarmy, grinning, two-faced, b****** doing the same to the rest of the country.

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem


    Gore would have attacked the Taliban all by himself with light sabers. He would have been the first president to literally use Star
    Wars technology. Luke Skywalker and Yoda would have been right behind him for backup.

    The military would have gone in AND NOT CAUGHT THE LEADERS OF AL QAEDA! The Taliban was just small change compared to catching Osama bin Laden and company. That is what I meant. A thousand apologies for my mis-statement.

  • Nancy

    Silas for Prez, Suss for VP? ‘Silas & Suss’ – got a nice ring to it, yes?

  • Suss for Prez.

    I think the article itself is a bit silly — no one can speculate what would have happened (except that there would be a lot more silly legislation about video games, and you can take that to the bank due to Lieberman’s foolishness), but I absolutely LOVE the comment about this post being “barely worth” someone’s time.

    Guess what, kiddo? No one’s forcing you to read. Could you not tell from the title that this is something you probably wouldn’t like?

    I swear, you righties are such masochists. You just love to suffer.

  • Nancy

    Soylent Green: the solution to a multitude of problems.

  • “Gore would have attacked the Taliban and not succeeded.”

    Gore would have personally attacked the Taliban? With crazy ninja moves or riddles so complex they make your head a-splode.

    Or, do you mean, he would have sent the military to attack?

    In any case, why would the military with Gore in charge not succeed when it did succeed with Bush in charge?

  • If Gore had won, scientists would have found a way to convert the entire population to pure energy, thereby eliminating the need for food and even jobs and our country and the world would have entered an era of peace and prosperity unmatched in human history. Oh well, thanks Nader.

  • If I had been president:

    1. Free sandwiches for all!

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    If Al Gore had been elected in 2000

    1. The economy would have gone downhill despite Al Gore’s attempts to stop it.
    2. An attack destroying th World Trade Center in New York would have halted Gore’s efforts to introduce hydrogen cars in America along with his other efforts to improve the environment.
    3. Gore would have attacked the Taliban and not succeeded.
    4. He would have attacked Iraq when Saddam Hussein was tied to Al Qaeda.
    5. He would have spent 2003 and 2004 making the same speech over and over.
    6. He would have been defeated by George W. Bush in a landslide.

  • Chief Wiggum

    If John Kerry would have won:

    1. We’d have much higher taxes to fund more bogus, ineffective Democrat social welfare programs.

    2. We’d be asking France and the UN for permission to defend ourselves.

    3. We’d have already had another terrorist attack on mainland US soil.

    4. Celebrating Christmas would be illegal.

    5. We’d actually have a president uglier than Lincoln.

    6. George Clooney would be the secretary of defense.

    7. There’d be two more commies on the Supreme court.

    8. There’d be thousands more abortions than there currently are.

    9. The state of the union address would be given in French and aired in France.

    10. The troops would hate the commander in chief.

    11. We’d be reminded what a war hero the president was every time someone disagreed with him on any issue.

    12. We’d have the most brash, garish, ignorant and vulgar first lady ever.

    13. Ted Kennedy would would be skinny dipping in the white house pool with white house interns.

    14. The air wouldn’t be cleaner, there wouldn’t be more hybird cars, and Bin Laden would still be on the loose only better able to move about and plan more attacks.

  • Nancy

    & BushCo didn’t lie? BushCo didn’t trot out the politics of fear & smear? Bullshit. And IF water or air is any cleaner (which I doubt: where do you get that one? According to various science mags I read, they report the opposite) it’s only because environmentalists have been fighting tooth & nail to keep them so. NOT due to anything Bush has done of his own free will.

  • Matt

    Gore lied throughout his campaign, even about trivialities. Bush has pushed for hydrogen cars, unlike Gore. The air and water are cleaner now than when Bush took office.

    If Al Gore had been President:
    1. Los Angeles, Seattle, Miami, Houston, Chicago and Philadelphia would have been hit with massive terrorist attacks.
    2. Osama Bin Laden would be living in the open as a hero in Iraq, Syria or Iran.
    3. Jordan and Lebanon would be puppet states of the Iranian mullahs.
    4. Libya would still be building WMDs.
    5. Taxes would be higher…and less progressive, as Bush made collections more progressive, with the rich paying a higher share of the national taxes.
    6. Unemployment would be 9%.
    7. There would be a draft.
    8. Political viewpoints would be censored on the radio and in the press.
    and that is just the beginning….

  • Nancy

    LOL – you’re a hit, Adam: all the right-wing neonuts have come out of the woodwork to attack you; you must have touched a sore point! Good job.

  • zingzing

    go man go! screw the conservatives. some of your points are, of course, a bit silly, a bit hopeful, but the point has been made. bush screwed us.

  • Brian

    We wouldn’t be fighting any stupid wars. Our troops wouldn’t be dying for nothing.

    This is absurd!!!! We have just cause for war. Besides, Al Gore was quoted in 1998 telling Saddam that if he didn’t cooperate we would be forced into military action, with no intervening diplomacy. This post is barely worth my time. Get real!!!


  • Howard

    You must be insane.

  • We wouldn’t be owned by China.

    Only because there was no controlling legal authority stopping him from taking Chinese money at Buddhist temples.

  • RedTard

    “There’d be two more women sitting on the Supreme Court.”

    Why is that supposedly better? Don’t we want the best qualifed people on the supreme court, not the most politically correct?

  • Chief Wiggum

    Keep drinking that Kool Aid Adam