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Ice Wars

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I trust everyone had a fine and fancy holiday weekend. Mine was splendid; lots of food, lots of cheer, and best of all, lots of professional figure skating. That’s right, you know what I’m talking about: Ice Wars: USA vs. the World.

The event more than lived up to its billing: it was full of sequins, bad white people’s music, and the clashing of cultural ideologies. The competition really was an old-fashioned, down and dirty ice war from beginning to end. The World, led by that freak of nature French girl and the dashing Canuck, led pretty much the entire night. They dazzled the judges with their frilly outfits and jazz-hands. At one point the World paraded out the American flag in what appeared to be an homage to their opponent, a tribute to their sportsmanship and ice battling, but quickly the audience learned otherwise, as the shifty Russian skater undid his bullfighter-skating tights and urinated all over the Stars and Stripes.

While this may have seemed at the time a bold and calculated move designed to intimidate the USA skaters, it did just the opposite, and instead revitalized their indomitable American spirit. The charge was led by that little wood pixie who won the gold medal a few years ago. (Her name escapes me at this time, but I will say she’s blossomed into quite the ice cookie, if you know what I mean) The wood pixie in skates came out dressed as Miss Liberty and set fire to the Russian skater with her torch. The crowd roared as the Afghanistan and Saudi Arabian skaters tried to douse the flames with their burkas. Not to be outdone, Brian Boitano, returning from his poorly received stint in professional wrestling as the sexually-ambiguous, figure skating villain ‘Brad Bladely’, stormed onto the ice, and with one quadruple-Lutz-tuck-axel-rod he wiped out the entire African skating contingent. Finally, America’s favorite sprite, Scott Hamilton, showed up with a set of golf clubs and a dream: a dream to go unilateral on the World’s ass! There was no U.N. inspection team necessary once Scott took out his drivers, his irons, and even his sand wedge to pummel the remaining World competitors, all to the classic tune, ‘Double-Bogey Blues’ from the soundtrack from the best Kevin Costner golf movie of all-time, ‘Tin Cup’. By evening’s end the USA had not only won the war on ice, but had managed to convert the entire World team to Christianity, as well as sign them up for a three-year subscription to the Columbia Record’s Music and Tape Club.

It really was a fine capper to a fun-filled holiday weekend. There’s nothing like believing your country is better than everyone else’s, and having that belief reaffirmed by washed-up, anorexic, balding figure skaters on ice. May God continue blessing America more than any other country.

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