Before you read this I want you to know that I mean all of this; so take me seriously. I have a funny feeling you already know what I’m going to say.
Every other part of me has moved on as months have gone by, but my feelings are stuck there, unable to move, and I can’t even explain to you how frustrating it is. Believe me, I have tried everything to change the way I feel. I’ve tried distancing myself from you, but there always seems to be some way of that distance being removed. I’ve tried loving other guys, but I can’t do it (forgive me for the clichéd expression)—none of them compare to you. I’ve tried pushing you and anything associated with you out of my head and out of my way, but you always find a way to creep back into my life. I’ve even tried focusing on your bad points, but I always seem to find myself drifting away from them.
I thought I would get over you. I would give absolutely anything to get over you; I can assure you of that. It would be nice to remember you and what we had and be friends. I know it’s easy for you to do that, but I just can’t do it anymore. It hurts me too much to see you and not be able to be close to you and tell you how I feel. It’s like you’re within arm’s reach, yet you’re so far away from feeling the same as I do, it’s as if you could not be further away from me if you tried. That’s why I always look forward to a hug when I say ‘bye to you if we meet up. I feel unbelievably stupid saying that.
I can’t talk to anybody else like I can to you. Sometimes I feel like it’s only you who actually understands how my mind works. You are one of the few people I can be myself around properly. By now you’re probably thinking I’m pathetic and like you told me once before, I should get over it. I want to get over you so badly. I’ve tried fighting it. I’ve tried everything these past two years. But to no avail.
All that has altered is my projection of my feelings for you. It used to be something I wasn’t afraid to show, until people expected me to not have those feelings anymore. As soon as they expected me to be over you, I just covered the feelings up, or tried disguising them. Some people who know me well know I still have feelings for you; they just don’t say anything.
You confuse me so much. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me or us. But then reality brings me back down to earth and I realise that things are different for you and that we are never going to happen; it once did but won’t ever again.
I feel a complete and utter idiot writing this. I know you don’t care about me, I know this is of no importance whatsoever to you, and that I’m of no importance to you. I know you have no feelings for me. I know that our relationship was not a healthy one. I tried so hard, but that’s probably what killed it. The reason why I am telling you this isn’t that I want you back, because I don’t. I’m telling you because I can’t pretend everything is fine anymore. I can’t pretend that I’m over you anymore.
Somehow you still have me wrapped around your little finger. I’m not afraid to admit that. Just like I’m not afraid to admit that whenever I’m attracted to someone, I’ve realised I compare them to you subconsciously. Only one guy came close to you. But even then towards the end of my relationship with him, he questioned me about you and asked me if I still liked you. I said no, and he said don’t lie to me. I know I’ve already said it but I will say it again.
Sometimes I wish I’d never met you because of the effect you’ve had on me. Other times I’m glad I met you. And then there are times when I hate you because of your effect on me. I hate you because I can’t get rid of you from my mind and I have no control over my feelings for you. I don’t want to not talk or meet up with you, but it’s like you’ve pushed me into a pool, and every time I try to get out you push me back in. I just need you to get away from me, so when I manage to get out of that pool you’re not there to push me back in.