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I Hate Captain Planet

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My parents had the wonderful idea of signing me up for a paramilitary youth organization that will remain nameless when I was little. My Grandfather served in the army during World War II, and when he came back he signed my father up for this organization. Of course, back then they were the hardcore “we’re going to leave you in the woods for a month and see if you live” group and not the “we can’t comment on issues pending trial” organization that we have today. Part of the requirement for my group was to watch an episode of Captain Planet at the start of every meeting. And thus began my lifelong hatred of Captain Planet.

My biggest problem with Captain Planet was his green mullet. I can understand the artist’s desire to make the captain look stylish to impress my generation, but a green mullet? You couldn’t even get away with that in the NHL and professional hockey is the Mecca of mullets. I wish I could travel back to the board meeting at which the executives were sitting around deciding the look of Captain Planet. That way I could personally smack the idiot who suggested the captain have a green hardcore hockey mullet.

But come to think of it, the green death mullet was just the beginning of my hatred for this eco-friendly do-gooder. When you really give the show the scrutiny it deserves you start to see this evil corporate agenda being pushed. Don’t believe me? On the captain’s website is an interview with the Captain where he talks about smart economic growth. Let me restate this last bit of information for you. Captain Planet. A FICTIONAL cartoon character whose job it is to promote environmental awareness is spouting off in an “interview” on his website, which is geared toward elementary school children, about smart economic growth. How he makes me yearn for sweet death.

While we are examining reasons to hate Captain Planet, we have to consider his nauseating multi-cultural brigade of young children who summoned the captain like he was their drug dealer. Every time they had a problem, the captain came flying in and resolved the situation with a wave of violent brutality that would rival Tony Soprano. What kind of message does this send to children? It is ok to clean up after yourself but if someone gives you trouble you should beat the living garbage out of them with reckless abandon.

Maybe if that’s what the captain was pushing I wouldn’t have a problem, but I’m sure that wasn’t the creator’s intention. And don’t get me started on that one kid who talks to the monkey. I can recount the numerous times I turned to my young chums at the group and said, “you know what, I really hate this kid. I want him to develop an inoperable brain tumor at the base of his skull. Let’s see the captain solve that one!” Of course…I was the only one who laughed at this…

Captain Planet deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth. He ranks up there with the Nazis and Jimmy Carter as one of history’s greatest monsters. The only thing that should be preserved of Captain Planet is his theme song. The military can use it for audio warfare tactics when they have to flush out terrorists who don’t want to surrender. Captain Planet’s show must never be mentioned again, lest we all are struck down with a sudden severe case of irritable bowl syndrome. And I know none of you want that, right?

Read more columns by Brandon at Your weekly home for college survival and entertainment

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About Brandon J. Mendelson

  • http://blog.purepedantry.com Jake Young

    I remember that show! Actually the part in hindsight that always really sucked was that little heart kid. You know they had the 5 elements that made Captain Planet appear in all his mulleted glory. And the other kids got the cool elements like water and fire. But then there was this little Indian kid whose element was “heart”. That sucks. The other kids probably were saying to each other: “Yeah he is really useless otherwise, but we need him to summon El Capitan so what are you going to do?”

    The whole thing reeked of some writer needing a fifth element (another movie incidentally whose writers should be rounded up and shot) so that they could complete their multiculture pentad, but not knowing what to put.

  • brad

    o the guy who said captain planet should die and be whiped off he face of he earth, he himself was a condom baby and his parents should have been slapped around and then executed for having such a screw up. just because your parents didnt love you and sent you away doesnt mean you can pick on captain planet, because personally it would be more benefitial to kids now a days when all there is on tv is violence and sex. GO PLANTEERS p.s that kid should be castrated and made sterile in order to prevent other screw ups ,thank you ppl for your time

  • http://strife Cloud

    Captain planet should be castrated and tortured by pulling his teeth out one at a time then they should peel his skin off and rip that fucking piece of crap mullet off him and and then make him eat 1,000 pounds of meat(hes a vegitarin) and then make him eat his stupid planeteer friends then they should get that brad moron and beat captain planet to a bloody pulp and then use him as fertilizer. oh and then serve him as caviar for the half dead brad

  • cloud

    i hope BRAD heard that HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

  • cloud

    ANYONE WHOS LOOKING AT THIS SHOULD PLEASE RESPOND

  • cloud

    I only hope that brandon j. mendelson could here me. i salute too you! in the name of captain planets suffering!

  • cloud

    oh and brad. if you love him so much why dont u just go and suck his balls

  • cloud

    [yawn] i wish someone would respond

  • ellie

    wow some ppl sure hate captain planet, huh? i didnt think that was possible!! there is a lot of anger here for a fictional character who just wanted to help humans save the planet we screwed up.
    i mean, sure his hair was gay and that heart kid was a pain in the a$$ (i mean come on, get a real power) but how can you not love this show? personally my fave part was the wheeler/linka relationship because of the end of the cold war. make love not war!!!
    btw, how come there werent any aussie planeteers? thats a little racist.

  • ellie

    oh and cloud if ur so bored, mayb u shud get a job, you environment hating, capitalistic, non-free-range-hormone-fed-hen-egg-eating pig. u seem to have way too much time on your hands. brad, u rok my sox.

  • Matt

    Yeah, I’m Aussie, and I always wondered why there wasn’t a planeteer for us…probably cos they were scraping the barrel with powers…I did read this thing about the 4 classical elements, earth, fire, wind and water, and how they were held together by the 2 forces, love (Heart, the South American kid, maybe his power wasn’t so ‘made-up’) and Discord. Hmmm, maybe the Australian Planeteer could have the power of ‘Chaos’! Maybe not…hehe, never knew Captain Planet politics was so contentious. :) Peace out!

  • https://aus4.unlimited-space.com/~supercam/school2/index.php?q=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5iZWJvLmNvbS9IYXlsei1yb3gtdXItam94 Hayley

    Captain Planet is awesome, any one that disagree’s was brought up in a very sad environment. How can you even relate Captain Planet to the Nazi’s, go see a pyschologist!
    Captain Planet represents a time where my generation needed a hero, and we got one.
    He was the best hero ever, sure he wasn’t all that great looking… but he was a cartoon character. He opened kids eyes to environmental problems, brought happiness and smiles to their faces… and is remembered so well that you made a site about him.
    Captain Planet and drugs… seriously were you high when you wrote this? I understand its a metaphor but its not even close to the facts. He came to rescue them! The end.
    PS. You think too much.
    CAPTAIN PLANET IS OUR HERO!!!
    Luv Hayley
    xoxoxox

  • JohnnyB

    Hayley, you need to learn more about Nazis. Capt. Planet was a nazi UN propaganda cartoon. Its all about the new world order. and the New World Order wants you dead.

    The nazis were an environmentalist organization. You do not have to take my world for it either, read Hitler’s idiotic garbage, look at his life. Hitler was a hardcore environmentalist, animal rights advocate and vegan. One of the guiding principles for the Nazis was to create Lebensraum, or living space. They wanted to kill off a bunch of people to let nature breath. Seriously thats what they thought, and thats the exact same crap that Capt Planet promotes.

    Think for yourself! WE are in incredible danger right now because of wanna be capt planet, Un new World Order Globalists right now. Ted Turner, who created Capt. Planet was part of a group that erected the Georgia Guidestones. Google that!

  • Spurwing Plover

    This of coarse produced by RED TED TURNER the wealthy left-wing eco-freak who also came up with NATIONAL GEGRAPHIS EXPLORER,NETWORK EARTH plus countless other peices of green trash i mean it was nothing more then left-wing propeganda aimed at kids and the worship of a false pagan diety GAIA CAPTIAN PLANET SHOULD BE BURNED AT THE STAKE

  • Spurwing Plover

    SUPERMAN could beat the crap out of this blue skinned SOB i mean this CAPTIAN PLANET is nothing but left-wing propeganda like most of the stuff that RED TED TURNER aims at kids

  • Spurwing Plover

    MIGHTY MOUSE COULD KICK HIS FAT BLUE BUTT.COURAGES CAT COULD WHIPE HIM OUT WITH ONE OF HIS GUNS

  • Spurwing Plover

    I can realy remember the real stuff can you remember SPACE GHOST,BIRDMAN AND THE GALAXY TRIO,JOHNNY QUEST,SUPERMAN/AQUAMAN,or THE JETSONS and dont forget YOGI BEAR and BOO BOO and HUKLEBERRY HOUND their were the classics

  • Spurwing Plover

    Another eco-freak propeganda was a peice of crap on the DISNEY CHANNEL DANGER BAY i mean the wussietard father was bossed around by his two snotty brat kids and especialy by his bitchy teenage duaghter a big time eco-freak

  • Spurwing Plover

    Captian planet should be fed into a leaf mulcher and turned into 400 lbs of organic fertalizer

  • josh

    lol.
    All I remember is loving that show when I was a little kid.
    Personally, I think writing this article was a waste of time, but i dunno, maybe you had to get some insecurities off your chest. I seriously can’t believe the people that are having a go at each other. I mean c’mon ITS A FUCKING CARTOON hahahaha, those of you that are actually attacking each other, take a spoon full of cement and harden the fuck up. Who cares if his mullet was green.. though i do have to admit, that choice, was a mistake.
    Peace out :D

  • Spurwing Plover

    Its pagan new age program forcing this new age paganism on kids worshipping false deities like GAIA

  • jeez!

    why the fuck does everyone hate captain planet?!?!?! thats really strange. i thought i found this show decent.

  • Spurwing Plover

    A blue skinned SOB he should be fed into a mulcher and turned into so much compost

  • Spurwing Plover

    He should have his fat blue head chopped off and cut off his arms and legs and that stupid russian bitch should be turned over to the arabs put in a burka and married to a wealthy sultan and the GAIA slut should be burned at the stake

  • Captain FREEDOM

    JohnnyB knows exactly what he’s talking about. Watch this youtube clip… it’s short and hilarious (to anybody):

    Capt Planet was pure propaganda to raise a generation of waaay eco-minded people with “Gaia Earth mother” thinking. So they could be more easily manipulated later as adults with lies like “CO2 is pollution”, And a world-control tax on carbon.
    Plants require CO2. Polar bears produce CO2
    CO2 does not harm anything. It does not warm anything. It is necessary for all life on earth.

  • Flu-Bird

    Turn him over to the herucloids

  • anon

    I hate Captain Planet.

    Ted Turner cancelled Swat Kats for this shit!

  • Fashion Medic

    I am glad I ran across other people with this view. I grew up watching Captain Planet, and as a result, became the only “hippy” in my family and group of friends. A name that still sticks today.
    I have contended for YEARS this must have been the result of brain-washing from watching this cartoon…the only difference in mine and my siblings upbringing. I have help career positions focusing on interjecting the Eco agenda into a corporation…and yet this whole time couldn’t fathom where I acquired this passion for the environment…
    My only conclusion: Captain Planet.
    Stupid cartoon. Should have stuck with Tom and Jerry

  • Timothy

    To the commenter Captain Freedom, when people are talking about Carbon, they’re generally talking about CARBON MONOXIDE, which is much more deadly and is not absorbed by plants nearly as fast as CO2. Also, only so much CO2 can be absorbed. We have a planet in our ecosytem that’s filled with it and other greenhouse gases. It’s called Venus and it’s hot as hell. Just know the facts all over before you comment. And I’m actually an Environmental Degradation Scientist with a Doctorate in Micro-Organic Biology who for a long time didn’t believe in Global Warming.

  • Boberto

    The reason they had no Australian character is the same reason there was no British character. THEY’RE WHITE. And they already had Wheeler. Unless you’re referring to an Aborigine character. I DID hate how they made the one American character the idiot “buffoon” of the group

  • theONE

    you’re all stupid

    the show was good for its time and taught morals

    now we have hannah montana as entertainment for our kids??

    btw conspiracy theory much about propaganda?? oh no a show thats about learning….. wooooo

    [Gratuitous vulgarity deleted by Comments Editor]

  • Divina Virtute

    You should be kicked off the internet, and probably admitted to an institution for mental healthcare.

  • Lauren Borrero

    I personally wouldn’t compare him to the Nazis ans I don’t think it was that bad. However I understand how you feel about it. I thought the show was okay but there was some episodes that were unwatchable. I think every show has episodes like that though.