My parents had the wonderful idea of signing me up for a paramilitary youth organization that will remain nameless when I was little. My Grandfather served in the army during World War II, and when he came back he signed my father up for this organization. Of course, back then they were the hardcore “we’re going to leave you in the woods for a month and see if you live” group and not the “we can’t comment on issues pending trial” organization that we have today. Part of the requirement for my group was to watch an episode of Captain Planet at the start of every meeting. And thus began my lifelong hatred of Captain Planet.
My biggest problem with Captain Planet was his green mullet. I can understand the artist’s desire to make the captain look stylish to impress my generation, but a green mullet? You couldn’t even get away with that in the NHL and professional hockey is the Mecca of mullets. I wish I could travel back to the board meeting at which the executives were sitting around deciding the look of Captain Planet. That way I could personally smack the idiot who suggested the captain have a green hardcore hockey mullet.
But come to think of it, the green death mullet was just the beginning of my hatred for this eco-friendly do-gooder. When you really give the show the scrutiny it deserves you start to see this evil corporate agenda being pushed. Don’t believe me? On the captain’s website is an interview with the Captain where he talks about smart economic growth. Let me restate this last bit of information for you. Captain Planet. A FICTIONAL cartoon character whose job it is to promote environmental awareness is spouting off in an “interview” on his website, which is geared toward elementary school children, about smart economic growth. How he makes me yearn for sweet death.
While we are examining reasons to hate Captain Planet, we have to consider his nauseating multi-cultural brigade of young children who summoned the captain like he was their drug dealer. Every time they had a problem, the captain came flying in and resolved the situation with a wave of violent brutality that would rival Tony Soprano. What kind of message does this send to children? It is ok to clean up after yourself but if someone gives you trouble you should beat the living garbage out of them with reckless abandon.
Maybe if that’s what the captain was pushing I wouldn’t have a problem, but I’m sure that wasn’t the creator’s intention. And don’t get me started on that one kid who talks to the monkey. I can recount the numerous times I turned to my young chums at the group and said, “you know what, I really hate this kid. I want him to develop an inoperable brain tumor at the base of his skull. Let’s see the captain solve that one!” Of course…I was the only one who laughed at this…
Captain Planet deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth. He ranks up there with the Nazis and Jimmy Carter as one of history’s greatest monsters. The only thing that should be preserved of Captain Planet is his theme song. The military can use it for audio warfare tactics when they have to flush out terrorists who don’t want to surrender. Captain Planet’s show must never be mentioned again, lest we all are struck down with a sudden severe case of irritable bowl syndrome. And I know none of you want that, right?
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