Home / I Bet Having Genital Herpes Kicks Ass

I Bet Having Genital Herpes Kicks Ass

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I'm usually not the type of person who sees an advertisement on television and decides to apply for another credit card in order to get whatever Mexican-made product it is that the washed-up former-Beverly Hills 90210 star is hawking. But I'll have to admit that I'm a sucker for those Valtrex commercials.

You know – the ones where some hot chick is white water-rafting or mountain-biking or whatever and at the end she informs you that she doesn't let genital herpes slow her down. And just to prove it, the commercials always show her with some ripped dude who I'm totally not attracted to because that would be gay and – despite what my friends say – those drawings that I keep in the bottom drawer of my dresser aren't of him but are for a comic book that I've been working on and any similarities between Captain Radical Dude's long, flowing locks of golden hair and ripped abs and the commercial-dude's is a total coincidence… seriously… I promise… damn it, I'm not gay…

Anyway, I always half-expect the boyfriend in those commercials to be like "What!?! You've got herpes!?! You dumb slut! We've been going out for like five months now and you decided to tell me this shit while we're rock-climbing in a television commercial? I'm outta here, ho…"

And until I saw those commercials, I never realized that having a sexually-transmitted disease could kick so much ass. In high school they always told us that STDs were a bad deal and that only homos and people who do marijuana owned them; but if they were wrong about beer, maybe they're wrong about STDs too. I mean – the chick in that commercial is having a blast participating in extreme sports and listening to the commercial's soundtrack which features one of those bands that used to rock Lilith Fair, and all my disease-free ass did last weekend was watch TV Land marathons and eat frozen pizzas. Maybe a good case of genital herpes is just what I need to kick-start my social-life.

The only problem with genital herpes is finding the right place to get 'em. If you go up to some girl in a bar and ask her if she's got genital herpes (or "the Peter Pox", as it's called on the street), you're likely to end up with a slap in the face and a Smirnoff Ice-flavored shirt. So your best bet is just to slam ham with the sluttiest sluts that you know, and hope for the best.

Sorry, but my right hand is already spoken for…

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About Timmy

  • Santita

    Be careful what you say. Life has a way of dealing you a wake-up call when you least expect it. Herpes or any other STD is not something that should be joked about. Many people are ravaged by STD’s on a daily basis and sometimes it isn’t their fault. What about the innocent young girl who is molested by her father? Or a young boy who is raped by a family friend? Be careful what you say…just saying…

  • Herpes doesn’t sound like fun but hepatitis will kill you so i think ill stay away from pam….

  • Yes,If you go up to some girl in a bar and ask her if she’s got genital herpes, you’re likely to end up with a slap in the face and a Smirnoff Ice-flavored shirt. So why not try online herpes dating site like http;//www.STDromance.com ?

  • Infected

    Not just whores get it. I got it from a cheating boyfriend about six years ago, and now every couple of years or so, it catches up with me to let me know “hey, I’m STILL here to ruin your life!” It’s embarassing and shameful to know I’m tainted goods and it’s not even my fault. I haven’t had sex with anyone in three years. I’m depressed, I’ve gained weight, and I basically went from having a healthy, active lifestyle and social life to working from home and hiding from people. Herpes doesn’t slow anyone down – it just devastates some people, like me. Now in my 30’s, my family is beginning to question why I don’t have a significant other, or why I don’t go out. They know my boyfriend was a douchebag, but I think they wonder what he did exactly to merit me hiding from the world for the rest of my natural life. Screw those Valtrex commercials, they’re bull.


  • STM

    Any bloke who personally but anonymously claims to be cute is probably as ugly as a hat full of arseholes 🙂

  • Xno

    Latex virgins unite!
    Me: verifiable “cute” male, 30’s, no kids, inheritance$, educated, straight, yada yada… and always condom-ed. Like, every time.
    So-called friends looked at me almost in disgust, attempt ridicule– “never without one?” Pregnancy scare at 17 (just my girl’s late flow)…
    Peace of mind = priceless… and saving it for a Real Woman. It will be so nice.

  • He is the Love Bug, after all.

  • Doesn’t Lindsay Lohan have Herbies?

  • Gosh, unknown, since only one of those four is actually an STD, and since it has a tendency to be fatal over the long haul, perhaps I’ll skip them all.

  • Pamela Anderson has Hepatitis yet hundreds of guys would willingly raid the condom section if they thought they had a chance to be with her.

  • unknown

    if you had to get a sexual transmided disses witch one would pick out of these 4 witch 1

  • Webbie

    There was a guy version… not a gay thing.. although it could have seen to be… anyway it went with the same script as the chick version and the topper to it – same song “Living the life I want” sang by a guy. (Budwieser real men of genius singer doing some moonlighting.)

    Aforementioned square jawed, stubble, hunky bloke gets on his Harley and bikes it with his buddies to the beach and then he hooks up with the obligitary hot chick.

    I only saw this version a couple of times before they pulled it. When I first saw it I spat my drink everywhere cause I didn’t believe what I was seeing/hearing.

    Hey come on Valtrex makers – put the commercial back on, equality and all that. Dudes can look cool, have a Hollywood life and have genital herpes as well.
    It’s a very realistic look at my life in fact.

  • If you really want some, just go down to the corner of 35th and Vine and stick out a finger

    You approaching the problem ass-backwards – getting it is not the hardest part. What are your plans once you’ve got it?