Home / I am Hearby Canceling Marriage

I am Hearby Canceling Marriage

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In this day and age when gay marriage is such a huge talking point in this country, I think it is important to focus on a few things. First or all, look at what we all do for love and romance, no matter who you love or how you express it. Love and romance are really the things that we base all our relationships on anyway, right?

Don’t forget that this is a more practical age that we live in today, so rules have to change and the nature of relationships must also be changed forever. Sorry, to tell you, but I didn’t do it. I am just the messenger. Don’t worry though because there are people out there who are going to help you. Sure they might not be the typical sources for advice on love and romance, but in these changing times, they have amended their roles in this world to pick up the necessary slack left by the shifting of norms.

Let’s go through an exercise here. What are the most romantic things you can think of? What actions and items signify the love that we either have, or long for? Flowers, candy, backrubs, candle-light dinners, bracelets, necklaces, ear rings, vacations, beaches, sunsets, wine, holding hands, snuggling, all the dirty deeds that are reserved for the bedroom, and of course the ring that comes along with that dreaded C-word, commitment.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot one of the most romantic things. The thing that says “I Love You!” more than anything else in the world. The Prenup. That’s right. The Pre-nuptial Agreement. Come on. You don’t think the prenup is romantic? The contractually binding contingency plan for the eventual hatred-filled, statistically probable existence your relationship will end up in, is now considered just another part of the process. I was reading this article and it mentioned a book with this title, “Prenups for Lovers: A Romantic Guide to Prenuptial Agreements.”

From now on, your love and romance guidance counselors will also be financial planners and lawyers who have knowledge of state laws. They will be making you think the worst from the start, because that is what love is all about, apparently.

Fine. This is the last straw. This is a complete departure from the way marriage was originally intended. If you people can’t do it right, then I am just canceling marriage altogether. Forget gay marriage. I am sorry, but all these bad, straight apples have ruined it for everyone. I hearby cancel the whole “sacred” institution. There is no more sanctity to protect, so we will just cancel the whole blasted thing.

It’s like when I was a kid and I was supposed to go somewhere with my parents and my two siblings. One of us would screw up by doing something bad. We might fight over the front seat. I might say something that I wasn’t supposed to say. One of us would throw an unexplainable tantrum of some kind. As a result, my mom or dad would say, “That’s it. Get back in the house. We aren’t going at all anymore.” This would occur despite the claims from one of the innocents in the situation, that we didn’t all deserve to be punished. It never worked when I was a kid, as none of those trips were ever reinstated. My parents didn’t care if two of us had been good. It was ruined and failure to comply by any member of our little clan would result in loss of privilege for the entire group.

Who knows, maybe the gay folks are the good kids in this scenario. We will never know because you dysfunctional folks forced me to cancel the whole thing.

Maybe next time you will think of that before you get out of hand.

Now go to your room.

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About Craig Lyndall

  • All I know is that, being from Massachusetts, I will make sure that when divulging my marital status to people I’ve just met back home, I will announce that “I’m heterosexually married,” just so it won’t cause confusion. Maybe nothing short of a Constitutional amendment can stop the gay marriage tide (and altering the Constitution should always be the last option, an option I’m not happy or comfortable with), but the homosexual community cannot take away my right to free speech. They will no doubt try, but damned if they’ll succeed.

  • Mr. Manning, I support gay marriage even though I hope to be heterosexually married some day. You can say whatever you want with your first amendment rights, but I just want to let you know that you are wrong. But, it is your right to be wrong, so go ahead.

  • bhw

    I don’t see why saying “I’m heterosexually married” or “I”m homosexually married” is such a bad thing. If nothing else, it puts SEX back into marriage!

  • And who can possibly argue with that?

  • bhw

    Asexually married people, I guess.

  • Shark

    “…I will make sure that when divulging my marital status to people I’ve just met… I will announce that “I’m heterosexually married,” just so it won’t cause confusion.”

    Man, I bet you’re the life of the party!

    (whispers to fellow party goer) “Jeez, that guy over there just introduced himself as ‘heterosexually married’. What’s up with that?

    (whispers)I don’t know, but he scares me. I’m gettin’ outta here.”

  • This is what makes Massachussetts so interesting. It is a strange combination of religion and liberalism. They are progressive and guilty.

  • Shark

    “progressive and guilty”

    I believe the term is “Catholic”.

  • Nope… Catholic just describes the guilty part. 🙂

  • Interesting entry, Craig. As I blogged last week, a second county in Oregon agreed to marry gays. Backlash from the far Right ensued. So, now, Benton County has backed down. . .sort of. It will not marry anyone until state law is clarified. Looks a lot like your ‘let’s cancel the trip’ response, doesn’t it?

    I thought ‘Jaded’ was living with his head stuck in the sand yesterday, but Mark Edward Manning makes him look downright engaged. Now, I must ‘heterosexually’ brew some coffee.

  • Prenup Boy

    Prenups for Lovers is pretty good. My fiancee and I read it when we were putting together our prenup, and it helped us get context about how prenups work legally, and the role they can play in a relationship.

    Getting married without a prenup is like driving without a seatbelt — you hope nothing bad ever happens, but if it does, it’s better to have been using appropriate safety equipment throughout.

    Without a prenup, you and your partner are subject to default state laws. With a prenup, the two of you get to decide the terms of the marriage for yourself, instead of letting the bureaucrats in [Insert State Capital Here] make those decisions for you.

    My fiancee and I are looking forward to filing the prenup away and never looking at it again.