It's a mystery concealed inside an enigma. Perfectly legitimate organizations, groups who do good stuff to help lots of…things…people, animals, plants, plankton, Lithuanian refugees…want to get publicity for their cause. And they should. You wouldn't believe what Lithuanian refugees go through, but that's something protected under the "Better Not Blab Or We'll Throw Your Ass In A Hidden CIA Prison" Act of 2003, so I can't talk about it.
Take dog fighting. How sick is getting off on putting two dogs in a ring and letting them tear each other to shreds? These are people without enough genetic diversity in their backgrounds. Perhaps no genetic diversity at all. Maybe they spring from odd plants grown in secret underground government laboratories. But I can't talk about that.
Or cock fighting. First of all, Bubba, change the name if you want to be taken seriously. Second, it's as sick as dog fighting. Read Roots. The stuff the trainers do to the…roosters…when they get whacked by another…rooster…is, well, just gag me with a stick.
So, The Humane Society of the United States wants to toughen laws against this behavior. O.k., cool. I'm with you. Especially the cock fighting. That cracks me up. I mean, that's just terrible.
Who you gonna call? Imagine the Board of the Humane Society sitting around trying to decide who's going to be their spokesperson.
"Well, we could get Bridget Bardot," says one octogenarian.
"She's too old," mutters another.
"Who is she?" asks one young whippersnapper.
"How about the Barbi Twins?" asks a young dude with slicked-back, black hair, an earring and a nose stud.
"Cool," responds a young woman with a rather prominent…endowment.
"No good," says the Chairperson, "they're working with Willie Nelson on that horse eating issue."
"Whoa," says another, "haven't you heard about Willie Nelson–busted."
"Huh?" from the Chairperson.
"Yeah, September 18th, Willie and his band were pulled over in Louisiana, and the fuzz found a pound and a half of marijuana and some magic mushrooms on his bus. Got off with a misdemeanor."
"What?" yelled the slicked-back hair dude. "I got 6 months for one joint."
"Doesn't matter. Serves the Society for Animal Protective Legislation right for getting a bunch of has beens and never weres to be their spokespeople," said the Chairperson. "We need someone with gravitas."
They made their decision. It took a long time. Then they pulled in the PR help. Blogcritics got an advanced e-mail news release, as did 2,345,235 others before they release it publicly Thursday, September 21st.
Who you gonna call? (Would I lie about this?) Hulk Hogan! Hulk Hogan? He can talk, which gives him an advantage over the Barbie Twins — or it may be that no one listens when they do talk, so they had him do a (excuse me, I have to fall on the floor now) video. Actually, it's not a video. According to the Humane Society, it's a "cool clip from Hulk Hogan to Congress."
Anti-violence against animals. Well, at least, once and for all, it settles the question about whether professional wrestlers are real people. Real people are part of the animal family, and Hulk Hogan made millions whacking other wrestlers over the head with metal chairs, throwing them on their heads, jumping on their backs, and causing bodily fluids and even organs to come squirting out their ears. So if he's against violence towards animals, I guess one can only conclude that professional wrestlers are not people, i.e. animals.
But I digress.
I have a lot of respect for our Members of Congress. They aren't all the brightest stars in the sky, and it's true that some resemble Black Holes or White Dwarfs, but I have to tell the good people at the Humane Society that I can't imagine even the dumbest member (I'm not allowed to provide the name…that law I talked about earlier) watching a Hulk Hogan video.
As a non-professional journalist, an aspiring pundit, and long-time crisis and communications consultant, I'm going to offer some free advice to all those good groups out there trying to make this a better planet: The Medium Is The Message. (Remember what's his name.) Think Hulk Hogan, what comes to mind? Fields of lilacs with butterflies and wood nymphs prancing? Deep thinkers pondering the majesty and miracle of all life? No, you think violence. You think a group of people for whom grunts constitute the highest form of communication.
Dang O'Leary. No wonder conservatives make such fun of liberals. The NRA could use Hulk as a spokesperson. The Marijuana Growers of America could call on old Willie. But the Humane Society? Here's some more help. The basic rules of influencing Congress if you don't have a lot of money.
- Beautiful women attract Members of Congress like moths to a nuclear explosion. It's sexist, I know, but do a video, even G-rated, of Pamela Anderson, and it'll play in every office on the Hill.
- Actually, that's about all you need if you don't have money.
Actually, I feel bad for the dogs and the…cocks.Powered by Sidelines