The following is an actual letter I sent to the customer service department at a major credit card company in 2003.
- Dear Credit Card Company,
Hello. My name is Brandon J. Mendelson, and allegedly I am a customer of your company. Like most other college students that your company covets, you succeeded in brainwashing me into getting a credit card. I got mine during the summer of 2002 when I was encourage by people to “start building my credit.” The card never once left my pocket, but some how I received a bill saying the card was used to purchase something online. Since I never used the card, I promptly threw your bill and card in the trash. I refuse to pay for something I know nothing about.
Sadly, your company has continued sending me bill after bill, and has spent the past two years calling my home with nasty, harassing, and abusive messages. It is against the law in accordance with the Fair Debt Collection act, to harass a supposed customer such as myself. I can see quality customer service is something you really strive for. Here is the transcript of a conversation between one of your collection agencies and my Dad:
Agent: Hello, can I speak with Brandon Mendelson?
Brandon’s Dad: No, I’m sorry but he is away at school.
Agent: I don’t believe you. Where are you hiding him?
Brandon’s Dad: Excuse me?
Agent: Is he in the witness protection program? Where is he? I demand to speak with him!
Dad: *hangs up the phone.*
Still your company persists and has even inflated how much I “owe” you over the past two years. What was supposedly a $20 bill has morphed into a $1,000 bill that you now have a third collection agency calling my house six times a day to collect. I even have a sparkling new letter I got in the mail today from your collection agency asking for payment of the full amount. This letter comes immediately following a conversation I had with your collection agent that went exactly like this:
“Hi, I’m returning your phone call. You know, the one where you threatened arbitration against me? Well, I have thought about it and decided that I’ll pay you the $20 that was allegedly spent. That is how much the bill came out to. I can’t afford anymore than that because I’m broke and have no money to speak of because of my textbooks. If this is not acceptable please go ahead and file arbitration as you said you would. I invite you to go ahead and lose three times the amount you’re trying to extract from me in legal fees.”
I’ve even thought of changing my phone number just to aggravate your flunkeys as you continue on your pathetic need to extract chump change from a broke college student. As it is I won’t be home 9 months out of this coming year, so don’t bother sending me any more mail because I won’t get it. Want my new address? How about I send it to you if you agree to allow me to hook your company’s president’s genitals to a car battery. You still won’t get any money from me, but I’ll feel pretty damn good about it. Maybe then your president will realize the financial hardship you have created for the citizens of this world.
If I continue hearing from your company I may consider legal action against you. The kind of long, agonizing legal action that will create bad publicity for you and thousands of dollars in court fees. I don’t know how I will pay for my lawyer, but putting myself in real debt would be worth it to see you get what you deserve. I also urge all of my readers to rip up their credit cards and boycott your company. I’m including in this email an mp3 of Tom Jones’s cover of I who have nothing for you to enjoy. Feel free to listen to it anytime you feel down about not being able to get blood from a stone. I thank you for annoying me enough to write this letter to you today.
That was 2003. It is now February, 6th, 2006. After I notified the debt collector of my rights under the Fair Debt Collection act I have not heard from them since. So while I’m sure the bill is screwing up my credit rating, at least they can’t call or send harassing mail anymore. I’m a big boy, I’ll deal with the credit thing when the time comes. But screw them. I hope they enjoyed the music I sent them.
**Just wanted to point out that the following was meant to be a humor feature…I think some of you totally missed that.