I gave a much shorter version of these lessons while a shy high school junior in a required speech class. The assignment was to go on a stage and demonstrate how to do something. I could not talk loud, I spoke too fast, and I had a teacher who would make me give a speech twice if the first one wasn’t adequate. In short, life was hell.
I figured sleep is something I know how to do and besides, there was a couch on the stage. So I made a few comments and took a short nap — right there, in front of everyone.
I only got a B and the nap was of low quality, but I think it was one of my finer pieces of performance art and rebellion. My life has been a series of weird acts ever since.
This is a lesson by late-sleeping slumber-loving Scott.
There are some life habits that people just don’t talk about in today’s society. Today, I’m going to break that wall of silence. I’m talking, of course, about sleep habits, and specifically how one can sleep longer than the average human.
First, be tired. That’s important.
Second, drink a little before going to bed. Not alcohol, because that affects the quality of your sleep. And not too much drink, or you’ll have to get up at 4 a.m. to deal with it.
Third, keep a bottle of water near your bed. That way, if you awaken at, say, 10 a.m., you just reach for the bottle and drink without leaving the bed. If you get hungry while you sleep, keep a granola bar there, too.
Fourth, keep an electric fan in the room. That way, if neighbors are loud, you can create white noise to block them out by walking only two feet from your bed.
Fifth, keep boring, sleep-inducing reading material by the bed. I suggest a collection of George Will columns.
Sixth, keep the voice mail on to screen all calls.
Seventh, keep a note pad by your bed. That way you can scribble down thoughts that come during the night, such as, “Hey, this sleep drivel could make a decent column.”
Finally, don’t think of it as sleeping half the day away. Think of it as not having to eat breakfast and getting two lunches instead.
Warnings: Kids, don’t try this at home without first explaining your plans to trained professionals, namely, your parents.
Parents, don’t be surprised if your kids try to wake you up early. Tell them the house is now a library and they must remain silent. If you are lucky, this will cause them to go back to sleep.