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How To Sleep Past Noon

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I gave a much shorter version of these lessons while a shy high school junior in a required speech class. The assignment was to go on a stage and demonstrate how to do something. I could not talk loud, I spoke too fast, and I had a teacher who would make me give a speech twice if the first one wasn’t adequate. In short, life was hell.

I figured sleep is something I know how to do and besides, there was a couch on the stage. So I made a few comments and took a short nap — right there, in front of everyone.

I only got a B and the nap was of low quality, but I think it was one of my finer pieces of performance art and rebellion. My life has been a series of weird acts ever since.

This is a lesson by late-sleeping slumber-loving Scott.

There are some life habits that people just don’t talk about in today’s society. Today, I’m going to break that wall of silence. I’m talking, of course, about sleep habits, and specifically how one can sleep longer than the average human.

First, be tired. That’s important.

Second, drink a little before going to bed. Not alcohol, because that affects the quality of your sleep. And not too much drink, or you’ll have to get up at 4 a.m. to deal with it.

Third, keep a bottle of water near your bed. That way, if you awaken at, say, 10 a.m., you just reach for the bottle and drink without leaving the bed. If you get hungry while you sleep, keep a granola bar there, too.

Fourth, keep an electric fan in the room. That way, if neighbors are loud, you can create white noise to block them out by walking only two feet from your bed.

Fifth, keep boring, sleep-inducing reading material by the bed. I suggest a collection of George Will columns.

Sixth, keep the voice mail on to screen all calls.

Seventh, keep a note pad by your bed. That way you can scribble down thoughts that come during the night, such as, “Hey, this sleep drivel could make a decent column.”

Finally, don’t think of it as sleeping half the day away. Think of it as not having to eat breakfast and getting two lunches instead.

Warnings: Kids, don’t try this at home without first explaining your plans to trained professionals, namely, your parents.

Parents, don’t be surprised if your kids try to wake you up early. Tell them the house is now a library and they must remain silent. If you are lucky, this will cause them to go back to sleep.

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About Scott Butki

Scott Butki was a newspaper reporter for more than 10 years before making a career change into education... then into special education. He has been doing special education work for about five years He lives in Austin. He reads at least 50 books a year and has about 15 author interviews each year and, yes, unlike tv hosts he actually reads each one. He is an in-house media critic, a recovering Tetris addict and a proud uncle. He has written articles on practically all topics from zoos to apples and almost everything in between.
  • My high school how to speech was on making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

    I’ve come to realize recently that I’m a morning person. I hate to admit it, but I get up early every morning, bed to bed even earlier and my good moods run out by about 7 in the pm.

    Gone are my days of sleeping until noon and lovoing it.

  • Scott Butki

    Ah, I see my advice was as useful as yours.

  • fos

    Im retired. Go to bed when I want. Get up when I want. If I cant sleep I read about the sex life of the Hilldabeast, written by Rosey O Donald and eat a bowl of peanut butter. Wash it down with a big class(plastic) of heavy whipping cream watching the croc hunter. If that does not work, It’s serious Wiskey time. Drop several Nite time liquid caps washed down with the wiskey. Now Im ready for Blogcritics. Before the liguid caps I had to mix the green shit liquid stuff into a sixteen oz large plastic blue cup with wishey. That first sip was vomitville. Then it went down without promblems. Within two minutes it’s lights out. Two hours later Im in the frig looking for my buttermilk. Buttermilk is better then a good steak. Im talking about real buttermilk. Not that low fat shit. When that plastic container of buttermilk gets low, turn it upside down in the frig. After 24hrs it heads south. Real thick stuff. Now you can eat it with a spoon. It’s Heaven. Then I sleep and fart until noon. Life is good.

  • Scott Butki

    Sounds like, um, bliss. A gassy bliss but a bliss nonetheless.

  • Scott Butki

    I’m doing a sleep study tonite and will write a piece – complete with photos of me all wired up
    with wires and electrodes all over – at a later point.
    Details on the study are here

  • Scott Butki

    I’m re-reading this tonite. Might have to write a
    revised version as I have a new goal – to get to
    bed by 9 pm each nite so I can make it to my new
    student teaching job each morning by 6:45 a.m.