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How To Sell The Patriot Act

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SCENE: A supermarket. A woman is picking up and examining various brands of bathroom tissue. Unable to tell the difference between two leading brands, she absent-mindedly tosses one in her shopping cart. As she does this, President George W. Bush steps from behind a display of paper towels.

THE PRESIDENT: Excuse me ma’am. I couldn’t help but notice that you just picked the store brand of bathroom tissue. Can I ask why?

WOMAN: Oh, well I suppose they’re all the same. Bathroom tissue is bathroom tissue.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s where you’re wrong. Some bathroom tissue is more equal than others. Uh, ARE more equals than others. I mean, some are more better than the ones that are less good. Oh, you know what I mean. Anyway, that’s why I always recommend Patriot Act Bathroom Tissue. (He holds up a package of bathroom tissue for the camera. The package contains a large smiling picture of George W. Bush. ) It’s the only brand I ever use, and the only brand I allow in the White House and on Air Force One.

WOMAN: What’s so special about Patriot Act?

THE PRESIDENT: It’s made with real pieces of the U.S. Constitution. Here take a closer look. (He hands her a piece of toilet tissue on which the words “We the people” can clearly be seen.) See, there’s the preamble right there. And that’s not just stamped on there. That is an actual piece of parchment from one of the original copies of the constitution produced in 1789.

WOMAN: Wow. That must be expensive?

THE PRESIDENT: Well sure, Patriot Act costs a little more, but believe me, it’s worth it. Every morning after I jog three miles and eat a healthy breakfast, I like to retire to the powder room with my Patriot Act and the junior jumble. It’s one of the few places I can relax in peace. But Patriot Act will make anyone feel like a pampered chief executive. This morning, I wiped myself with the Fourth and Thirteenth Amendments.

WOMAN: But isn’t parchment abrasive?

THE PRESIDENT: No that’s a common misconception. Eighteenth century parchment is actually twice as soft as a Presidential Daily Briefing and three times as absorbent as the paper used in most basic science textbooks.

WOMAN: Wow. I’m sold. I think I’ll give Patriot Act a try. (She puts the store brand bathroom tissue back on the shelf and picks up a package of Patriot Act.) Hey, this roll has part of the Fifth Amendment.

ANNOUNCER: New Patriot Act bathroom tissue. Wipe your ass with the U.S. Constitution just like George W. Bush.

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About The Fifth Dentist

  • Nice build-up

  • I love the riff about “genuine bits of the constitution in it”.

    I imagine somewhere in the Patriot Act it does give the government the right to examine whatever it is we do with toilet paper.

  • National Nitwit has an update on the Patriot Act and the Bush plan to rename it.

  • alethinos59

    Excellent post old stick!


  • Just the Constitution? There is so much more waiting. Whole libraries. Congress even has one filled with books and papers just begging for the “Patriots” to burn or “recycle”.

    Better yet; the rest of us should burn the Patriot Act.