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How to Make Your Tinfoil Hat

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If you've been reading infowars.com or 911truth.org, by now you realize that you're in serious trouble if you don't start taking essential steps to protect your brain. Not only do you have to worry about the Council on Foreign Relations' orbital mind control satellites, but now Google Earth has microwave lasers to read your thoughts from windowless black vans that roam our neighborhoods. And if that's not bad enough, airliners are dropping psychoactive chemtrails on your head, while your own cell phone is beaming radiation into your gray matter to kill you with a brain tumor so that the Chinese can use your body to host an alien parasite they have genetically engineered to operate your body like a puppet.

There is only one time-tested defense from all of these threats, the tinfoil hat. Now I know you've heard a lot about the efficacy of these fabled protective devices, but there are some facts you may not know, and details which the agents of the New World Order have purged from the public record to keep you defenseless and in ignorance. Here – at least until the Illuminati gets wise and deletes this article – are the secrets of designing and constructing the most effective possible tinfoil hat, so that the next time you go to a local Ron Paul meetup or out for a beer with your Truther friends, you won't unwittingly be turned into a remote operated spy for the Illuminati.

First there's the issue of materials. Traditionally, tinfoil hats have been made of tinfoil. Go look in your kitchen. You'll notice that the stuff you call 'tin' foil is actually made of aluminum. In the 1970s the global corporatists of the metals industry replaced our actual tinfoil with aluminum foil in an effort to reduce our access to the protective properties of true tinfoil. It was a clever stratagem, because traditionally constructed hats made from aluminum foil have only a fraction of the radiation reflecting properties of a true tinfoil hat. Thankfully, this can be addressed by using an alternative design, which has been suppressed by a conspiracy of Opus Dei librarians, but which I will reveal here. Of course, you can use tinfoil, and in fact, some other foils are even more effective. Copper foil has double the value of tinfoil and gold foil is even better. In fact, more compact hat designs can be used with these metals, such as the gold-lined yarmulkes used by agents of the JDL and AIPAC. But gold foil is prohibitively expensive, tinfoil is hard to find, and copper foil has become increasingly expensive because of the copper shortage caused by the consumption of copper to line the entirety of the interior of the government's secret Yucca Mountain facility.

The answer is to use the aluminum foil which the elites allow us to have, but to use the right design to maximize its effectiveness. The traditional cockade-style hat design borrowed from paper hats just isn't adequate when working with inferior materials. If you have aluminum foil or are lucky enough to find some actual tinfoil at a junk shop or antique store, you can double its effectiveness by using a miter-style design which resembles a Catholic bishop's hat. Hardly a coincidence, since those bishops line their hats with metal foil to protect them from attacks by witches and sorcerers.

You start out with a 12 inch square piece of foil. Fold it in half to make a triangle. Then take the points on the top and bottom folds opposite the long, folded edge and fold them back halfway to the main fold. Then, take the other two corners and fold them opposite to each other to form two right angles at each end of the folded foil. Then, fold the triangular ends over in opposite directions. You will then have a perfect square, 6 inches on a side. On the side opposite the very first fold there will be an opening. Stick the fingers of each hand inside one of the sides, and with your thumbs holding the foil to the fingers from the outside, pull your hands apart. The hat will open up and naturally form two points as in the traditional bishop's miter. You may want to push the points closer together to form a better point.

The hat is worn square on the head, with the brim resting above the eyebrows. This should effectively shield your brain from any kind of radiation directed at it from above or from any side. While we have had good results with this hat design, even with aluminum foil, we make no guarantees as to its effectiveness. Scientists at the Carlyle Group and NASA are on the payroll of the Rothschild and Rockefeller families, and are constantly at work on improving mind control and pacification laser, microwave and sub-sonic technology. We cannot guarantee effectiveness against chemtrail pathogens or psychotropics and recommend that the hat be worn in combination with a dust mask sprayed with Windex. Do not use Formula 409, GreenWorks or any other Clorox product as Clorox is owned by the Taft family, who are notorious members of the CFR.

With your hat on and other appropriate preparations, you ought to be able to attend your local Ron Paul meetup or 9/11 Truth meeting and be relatively confident that the black helicopters, stealth drones and satellite surveillance systems of the New World Order will be unable to read or control your thoughts.

Watch this space in the future for information on how to protect yourself from department store scanners, clothing with radioactive markers, video surveillance cameras and dentally implanted radio transcievers.

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About Dave Nalle

  • http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/39420/joanne_huspek.html Joanne Huspek

    Oh, MY GOD, Dave, I am laughing so hard that my sides hurt and the corners of my mouth are spasmed. Thanks a lot, Dude. I am supposed to be working!

  • Baronius

    Dave, this is the column you’ve been building toward since you started on Blogcritics. What are you going to do for the rest of your life now that you’ve accomplished this?

  • http://jetspolitics.blogspot.com/ Jet

    Dave, surely you could’ve found a better picture of yourself?

  • http://jetspolitics.blogspot.com/ Jet

    Does it matter if it’s the heavy foil or the cheap thin stuff. will the thick stuff keep things in?

    …oh yeah, I know, don’t call you Shirley

  • http://jetspolitics.blogspot.com/ Jet

    My sincere thanks for the laugh, but you forgot to include making it adjustable in case a beloved family member loses theirs and needs immediate protections!

  • http://www.booklinker.blogspot.com Deano

    Just how much time do you have on your hands in the summertime??

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Richard Dean Anderson scoffs at your use of just one material.

  • http://jetspolitics.blogspot.com/ Jet

    Deano; don’t scoff, this is very useful information. I tried a #10 tin can, but it didn’t work, so I’m going to try this very considered, generous and intelligent alternate suggestion.

    One thing though…

    Won’t the computer read my thoughts now and try everything it can from preventing me from constructing one?

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Dave, this is the column you’ve been building toward since you started on Blogcritics. What are you going to do for the rest of your life now that you’ve accomplished this?

    Well, there’s still the rest of the Chemtrail protection kit to work on.

    Dave

  • http://jetspolitics.blogspot.com/ Jet

    Oh great Baronius, you had to encourage him didn’t you? :)

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    BTW, this is officially my 500th article for BC.

    Dave

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Congrats, Dave (I suppose). I had noticed earlier today you were at 499 when I was responding to the guy on the thread of your other article who claimed you had nothing to write about except Ron Paul.

    Now your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with another 500 by Election Day…

  • http://jetspolitics.blogspot.com/ Jet

    Okay I must’ve missed a memo somewhere; is Dave for or against Ron Paul this week?

    Congrats on 500-you don’t look a day over 350…

    No wait, I just remembered your writer picture…

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    That would be quite a challenge, Dr. D. Do you realize that 500 of my wordy articles is about the same as writing 4 novels?

    Makes me wonder if maybe I should actually be writing a novel or two, since they make actual money.

    Dave

  • Pablo

    Well of course I had to reply to this article, at least you for once put it in the proper classification which is satire.

    Of particular note to me is the game that you chose to accompany this article Davey. As in the Illuminati Game by Steve Jackson. This game was originally a card game released in 1995. In the deck of cards that are in the game are two that are quite interesting. The first card of note is called Terrorist Nuke, and clearly shows on the card the twin towers being blown up. The second card of note is called the Pentagon and shows a fire destroying it.

    Illuminati Game

    I get a particular kick of your followers Dave, gather around like a gaggle of geese cackling about conspiracies. As in patting yourselves on the back that all is good in the world, and oh those crazy conspiracy freaks. Even more amusing to me, how you will do everything you can to denigrate, smear, condescend, and make fun of that which you have no clue about. I know it helps you guys sleep better at night, but I do get a kick out of it!

    I dont know about Google and mircrowaves, but I do know that they are attempting to silently (without permission) use peoples webcams to spy on them, and uh no I wont provide reference urls to substantiate it, do your own homework. As to cell phones, some main stream leading scientists are urging people not to talk on them long for fear of microwaves causing cancer. As to the Chinese they like mobile execution vans, and also sell organs from recently murdered political dissidents to rich folks in need of kidneys and such. As to the Carlyle group why dont you ask the Bin Laden family about their activities, I am sure they could provide you with much more than I can bubba.

    Your remarks are so typical of you Davey, cute, arrogant, and mean. At least you write in a style that reflects accurately your mind bucko. :)

    Yes Davey the Rothschilds do rule the world, their underlings are Chatham House, The CFR (one and the same), the Rockefellers through the Trilateral Commission and the Bilderbergs. Its all quite out in the open!

    I will proudly wear my tin foil hat next to your ten gallon good ole boy texass gop right wing one any day o the week bubba. Cheers Davey :)

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Pablo, Illuminati was originally released in the mid-80s and the original card set did not have the same illustrations as the current release. And any idiot could predict a terrorist attack on the WTC and many did. Plus 1995 was a year AFTER the original twin towers attack, right?

    I’m surprised you’re not up on your google conspiracies. In addition to the one you mention, they have unmarked vans travelling the country photographing EVERY HOUSE. Bet that scares you.

    Dave

  • STM

    Dave,

    I think now that you’ve done this (we’ve been waiting for it) it’s time to revisit that other oldie but a goodie: argentine ants, which seem to have migrated from Argentina to the four corners of the Earth. A few were recently found in my fridge, and God knows how the bastards got to Australia.

  • STM

    Dave says: “I’m surprised you’re not up on your google conspiracies. In addition to the one you mention, they have unmarked vans travelling the country photographing EVERY HOUSE. Bet that scares you.”

    This is google street view. It’s just come online in Oz, where the little vans have been driving around every city street Down Under taking pictures of everyone’s houses. They must have got my joint on a Sunday arvo, as both the cars are there. Normally, we’re both out working our tits off six days a week to keep up with a variable rate mortgage that has been steadily going up as a result of the US sub-prime crisis.

    It’s a world-domination plot, obviously … :) I might have to use Dave’s tinfoil hat since the mind-ray machine operated by the US is obviously being pointed across the Pacific too.

    Good luck trying to find any minds in Australia that make sense to Americans.

    I reckon street-view is pretty cool, though. As for the pictures: It’s nothing you couldn’t do anyway yourself if you wanted to, and they offer the option of having pictures taken down if you want.

  • jamminsue

    Thanks for the great satire, you made my evening!

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Stan, a guy here in the US is actually suing Google for posting a picture of his house on the internet. Not sure how far the suit has gotten.

    I’m relatively safe since my house is about a quarter of a mile from the road and invisible from the gate. I would like them to post a picture of my gate, but it doesn’t seem to be a high priority for them.

    As for the Argentine ants, some of the best research I’ve read on them comes from Australia which is one of the first places they were identified.

    Interestingly the ones in our yard are now having trouble with some other breed of ant which is giving them a run for their money. Unfortunately the other ant species have stingers. But while they’ve reclaimed much of the yard, they don’t have the argentine ants’ indoor skills.

    Dave

  • Pablo

    Dave you said:

    “I’m surprised you’re not up on your google conspiracies. In addition to the one you mention”

    The one that I mentioned bucko, happens to not only be a conspiracy but a fact, something you conveniently chose to ignore. Scared? Hardly, I do however find it typical of CIA controlled companies to violate peoples right to privacy, I am referring bubba, to google using peoples cams on their home computers to spy on them.

    But hey, your a big fan of the CIA in an uhhh a family way bubba! Cheers.

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Google just did Fresno. We live in a gated condo complex, so the bastards couldn’t get inside, mwuuahhaha. They’ve had to settle for unsatisfying glimpses of the condos that are near the main gate and aren’t concealed behind trees.

    And Stan, I think you’re right that they must do their stuff at weekends – probably Sundays, so that they’re least likely to get in everyone’s way when their vans are crawling down the street taking photos. I just surfed downtown to take a gander at my office and the parking lot’s completely empty. I suppose it could have been one of our Fridays off, but the County workers just down the street usually take the opportunity to grab some free parking on those days.

  • STM

    Dave writes: “I’m relatively safe since my house is about a quarter of a mile from the road and invisible from the gate. I would like them to post a picture of my gate, but it doesn’t seem to be a high priority for them.”

    Mate, they probably have taken a shot of the gate. The street views are generally a full view, so include all houses and structures, including gutters and gates! that go to make up a street. You might just need to toggle the view around a bit using the arrows.

    Doc: I sent Clav a link to my joint today. I told u about my neighbours who don’t like my Queen Palm (Cocos Palm)? It’s in the google shot for posterity, but is coming down soon as the Land and Environment Court has ruled in their favour.

    However, they lost the full case as I agreed to the removal, and the Court ruled against removal of another tree in my driveway garden and a request to remove virtually my entire driveway garden. I still have to pay for the palm removal but not their costs.

    They are expat Poms too, from Liverpool! They just don’t like bloody trees. Rows of grey terrace houses is fine, but beautiful trees that add some amenity to the local environment? Phfft!

    They actually caused all the damage when they built their new house … they excavated the land and didn’t build a proper retaining wall.

    Anyway, I’ll always be able to see my palm tree on street view :)

  • STM

    “Google just did Fresno”

    What, like Debbie did Dallas?? Do you feel they’re f…..g over with this mate?

    I reckon it’s all right – a bit of fun. But I can imagine quite a few deranged Americans will be blowing up about it ;)

  • http://jetspolitics.blogspot.com/ Jet

    Dave,
    check your e-mail and tell me how I did
    Jet

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Pablo, I’d love to hear your explanation of how Google is a CIA front. Haven’t had a good laugh in days.

    Dave

  • STM

    What, Dave, y’mean it’s not?

  • http://jetspolitics.blogspot.com/ Jet

    stan, give me your general area and I’ll see if I can “google earth” fly over your place in 3D. I came within 200 yards of Dave!

  • Pablo

    Well as I am here to amuse you Dave, I am delighted to give you an explanation bubba.

    It comes from Robert David Steele, former clandestine services case officer with the Central Intelligence Agency, and the second-ranking civilian (GS-14) in U.S. Marine Corps Intelligence from 1988-1992, accoding to his biography as well as wikepedia.

    “He is the founder and president of Open Source Solutions, Inc., and is an acknowledged expert on computer and information vulnerabilities. Steele holds graduate degrees in International Relations and Public Administration from Leigh University and the University of Oklahoma. He has also earned certificates in Intelligence Policy from Harvard University and in Defense Studies from the Naval War College.”

    Here is a link for ya, he was also interviewed by Jones, and in that interview went into the more complex details of the relationship between google and the agency.

    Oh and your probably did not know that the nasa is really the nsa, did ya bubba?
    Steele and Google

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    As far as I can tell from your links Steele provides zero evidence for any direct connection between google and the CIA. Might as well say that Google works for the Red Chinese since they have made censorship deals with them.

    Lots of companies cooperate with the CIA in various small ways. That’s a huge distance from being an active CIA front or letting the CIA carry out clandestine operations through your company. As usual, Jones has hyped up what Steele actually said to fit his agenda.

    And no, NASA is not the NSA. Putting satellites into space that NSA uses does not make NASA the same thing as the NSA despite the similar abbreviations.

    Dave

  • Pablo

    Sure its not Dave, after all if You say so! hehehe

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Bah, it’s like tryng to argue with my 5 year old.

    Dave

  • Pablo

    your so cute dave

  • http://www.morethings.com/log Al Barger

    The “gold lined yarmukles” was priceless. Wonder if Brother Ruvy’s got one.

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    I think that in occupied Samaria they’re only aloud to have worthless zinc-plated ones.

    Dave

  • http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/39420/joanne_huspek.html Joanne Huspek

    I had to come back and read this article again because it’s so damned funny. I think I’ll bookmark it for future bad news days. :-)

    Oh, and congrats on the 500 mark. I can only hope to live that long.

  • Pablo

    Conspiracy at Bear Stearns? Say it aint so!

    Coinspiracy at Bear Stearns

    And another one today too! DARPA-linked Cycorp “Predicted” the Anthrax Attacks – 6 months before they happened

    From 911blogger.com too one of my favorite sites!
    Enjoy!

  • Clavos

    Conspiracy at Bear Stearns? Say it aint so!

    Initiated and directed by the Rothschilds, no doubt…

  • Titus Curendaro

    The only way to fight the illuminati is by supporting the Dominionist theocratic fascist goals of the Council for National Policy.

  • Lee David

    How much disinformation does it take for you to not notice when they spray Chemicals over your head? It is truely staggering!

    Cell phones won’t give you Cancer or pop a kernal of corn! Aliens conspiracies are not true! Bigfoot was not found in Georgia!

    But Chemtrails? How stupid are you people? Honestly!

    You government will absolutly poison you at every turn! They’ll also send you to war over blatant lies that you never hold them accountable for! I don’t think that anyone can fathom the true magnitude of the Cigarette industry which is a deliberate attempt to harm your health for profit. But you just keep on buying the company line like the sheep that you all are!

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Lee, I’m only going to ask for one thing regarding Chemtrails. I’m going to spell it carefully so you can understand.

    E V I D E N C E

    Did you get that? Now show us some. And by that I mean an independent chemical analysis of a chemtrail or its residue or a participant informing on the government program in question.

    I’ll wait here as long as it takes.

    Dave

  • Jordan Richardson

    Cell phones won’t give you Cancer

    Actually, new REAL research is showing that there *may* be more of a risk than we once thought.

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Do you mean this kerfuffle, Jordan?

    The doc who issued the warning says he’s acting on the basis of unpublished research. How ‘real’ that is, we won’t know until it’s, erm, published.

    Meanwhile, most recent studies continue to indicate that there’s no correlation between brain tumors and cellphone use.

  • Nancy Armstrong

    Hi David,
    After reading comments and posts on news forums about unrelated issues,I was curious to find out what all the references to ‘foil hats’ was all about,so I googled it and found your explanation. All,I can say is OH MY! How can you live such a fear based life? Some would respond with ridicle,some with immediate disbelief,while others would become proponets,but for myself I feel profound sadness! If what you claim is true,then it has been going on for centuries. The power elite have always controlled the masses,nothing new here and it would be too deeply ingrained to change. Our entire world view,even our decision to be paranoid would be an unconscious,programmed reaction,rather than an independent decision. I prefer not to give that power over to anyone. Based on your own argument, the conditioning and agenda of conformity could also have programmed you,through education,religion,TV,music,to serve these ends you are now serving? That being said,shouldn’t society also question conspiracy motives,because they are only creating another sub-group of religiously fear-based followers? How could that positively benefit society? It saddens me greatly,that some of my fellow world citizens are living out their lives with so much fear! You are only as safe as you perceive yourself to be—fear is also a perception!

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Nancy, this article is the ridicule you mention.

    Dave

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy

    Nice job with the satire….

    In spite of all of its other anti-Jewish policies, here in Liberated Samaria, we all wear the gold plated kippá. If we get kicked out of our homes, it will be the only money we have. The secular Jews don’t think about all the important ingredients that go into a kippá.

    Actually, the kippá was the first “tin-foil hat” ever developed. Its purpose is to protect the wearer from the holiness emanating from the supernal EIN SOF.

  • STM

    This is actually some of Dave’s best work.

  • STM

    I like the one designed like a bishop’s mitre.

    That, truly, is the tinfoil hat for important occasions.

    Or just wearing to the corner grocery shop on a Sunday afternoon. Or just walking the dog, even. It’s multifunctional.

    Important to wear sunglasses with it, and a surgical mask, and perhaps a surfing rashvest and long pants, so the chemtrails can’t get ya.

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/ roger nowosielski

    Indeed, Dave’s best.

    Dave, you should stick to the genre and leave ideology to hackers. And we’ve got plenty of them here.

  • http://drdreadful.blogspot.com Dr Dreadful

    Stan, I think perhaps you shouldn’t wear yours while surfing.

    Wind resistance, y’ know.

  • STM

    Actually Doc, wearing it in the surf isn’t a bad idea. Water reflects thought rays and doubles their power.

  • laugh it up

    OK, go ahead and laugh, but do you realize that FEMA is conducting a Nation Wide EBC I think this Friday. Why is this the first time since 9-11? Thats because the current admin. learned from the previous admin. this is how you stay in office. FEAR! Look for somekind of terror attack prior to the Nov. election. This test is just preperation for that event. Being we are pulling out of afgahnistan, more than likely this is who we will blame. Them or Iran and once again give the US a reason to go in and “unify” the middle east. Time will tell if my words are true, but when it happens, I will be laughing at you! Then kissing my @&& goodbye!

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/dr-dreadful/ Dr Dreadful

    My goodness, some people see a conspiracy in everything.

    Laugh It Up, what would convince you that a nationwide test of the Emergency Alert System was just that, and not some nefarious scheme to make us all terrified?

    And the test is being carried out by the FCC, not FEMA.