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How To Make Friends

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Through my 20 odd years of life, I’ve always had at least one friend. How do I do that, you might ask? Well, let’s just say I’m a pro. I’ve been making friends since before kindergarten, so I guess you could say I have experience. And it is my hope that, after reading this informative how-to on how to make friends, you will be just as adept in the art of relationships as I am.

The first step is going to sound pretty obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many people don’t do it—and that is to talk. That’s right, talk! It’s a common fact that extroverts have more friends than introverts, so if you want more friends, you’re going to have to talk more. It’s that simple. Communication, in the sense of verbally speaking, is a key component of keeping a friendship alive and well. Think of friendship as a plant, while your words are water. Try not talking to your best friend for six months and see what happens. I dare you.

But just like a plant with too much water, too much talk can kill the friendship. It never ceases to amaze me how many people yak yak yak all day long, and yet they wonder why people always roll their eyes whenever they get started on one of those topics that people don’t really care about.

Anyway, while we’re on talking, it’s important to keep in mind that you can’t say just anything. Specifically, you have to say nice things, or it isn’t really a friendship but a bullying relationship. If you say nice things to the person, compliments for example, then it’s like you're pouring sweet mountain spring water on the plant that is your friendship. However, if you say mean things or make fun of the person, it’s like you're pouring battery acid on them. So you’ve got to be careful because battery acid hurts, inside and out.

Personally, I use the two-for-one rule: I say two nice things for every one mean thing. Try three-for-one if you want to mix it up, but try not to go overboard, or the person will think you’re a pushover and take advantage of you. And in a friendship, it’s always good to be on top, so you can borrow stuff and not return it and the other person won't ever mention it because they don’t want to incite your fury.

If you’ve followed these steps up to this point, you’ll have your circle of friends in no time! But there is something more important than friendship. There is something in human nature that says enough is never enough. This is called greed. Not matter how you look at it, we’ll always want not only more friends, but more toys, more money, and more control. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but humans have the desire to control and manipulate our friends so we can become kingpin of our social circle, and hopefully and eventually ruler of the universe.

This is called being the alpha male and/or female. This very special guy or gal gets to make all the decisions on what to do on Friday nights, with the rest of the people in the social circle following blindly. By following, they hope to gain social status and, in so doing, eventually supplant you as alpha overlord.

Becoming the alpha male and/or female is a hairier issue than just getting friends, but there are ways to get there. Among the ways I will discuss are lying, manipulation, conniving, and backstabbing. You get the picture.

Lying is a proven way to make oneself more popular. Psychologists have discovered that children who tend to lie more often are more likely to be popular with their peers. It’s the same for adults. How do you think politicians become so powerful? Exactly, now you’re getting it!

So apply it to your own life! Next time someone asks you if you’ve ever heard of so-and-so or have done this or that, say yes! Even though you’ve just told a lie, you’ve made the person feel good by giving credence to whatever they said, no mater how inane. They will then pledge their allegiance to you and help you on your quest to social dominance.

Manipulation is a little bit trickier. Anyone can lie, but it takes social grace to be able to lie and blame it on someone else. That way, you make your enemies (your friends) weaker while you get stronger. By pitting your peers against each other and playing to their emotional weaknesses, you can become the puppeteer you’ve always dreamed of being.

Conniving and backstabbing go hand in hand. They are both great ways to put people in their place if they challenge your authority. Once your alpha-spider sense senses such a challenge (and it will), you know what you have to do—ostracize him or her from the group and rid yourself forevermore of this Benedict Arnold.

Your peers will admire you for it, even if on the outside they say you were being a jerk. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. And, for kicks, say to your friends, “And that’s how the cookie crumbles!” Believe me, they will worship you and be saying that stupid one-liner for months in a vain attempt to be more like you.

But the most important thing of all is to remember that while you are doing all these despicable things, you must make it appear that you are actually a decent person. Otherwise, the world of lies you’ve constructed will come a-tumbling down, and so will your aspirations for social dominance. So be sure to cover your tracks well, dear social climber, and the way to victory will be yours!

I understand that being a liar and a somewhat despicable person isn’t for everybody. Heck, I couldn’t be one of those people, but I’ve watched and learned from people enough to know that’s how you get on top. But if being on top is not for you, I have some alternative options.

You can still maintain a respectable social position within your group of friends without being a total jerk. How, you ask? Honesty. It’s even harder than being the alpha male, because it’s hard to be honest—as humanity, we’re too messed up neurologically to even be honest with ourselves, let alone with others. And to a certain extent, we must be dishonest with others or they’d figure out what freaks we actually were. And yes, we’re all freaks, if we were to be really honest.

Trying to be honest with your friends and build your friendships on honest foundations is a very courageous choice, but also the most risky, because you’re investing more of yourself into your friends, as opposed to all the other tips I mentioned, which involve just building a façade. With honesty, any damage that’s done in the relationship will be done to you, because it will be hitting you, not a façade. This is why a lot of people are afraid of being real.

But ultimately, honesty is the key to the most rewarding kind of friendship, and people who have friendships like this are among the luckiest in the world.

If this is the route you choose to go, I suggest telling the truth, within reason, and listening. It is probably even more important to have compassion and understanding for others. I have seen many a friendship come to an end for a lack of compassion or understanding; every one of us could probably point to a friendship in our lives which came to a rotten end because of such a lack.

So it’s important to understand that others are different from you and you can’t expect everyone to believe the same things you believe. Believing that everyone should believe the same things leads to suicide bombings and other bad things.

When you make a practice of not lying, you’ll find it’s pretty hard for a lot of people to accept you as you are. But those people are jerks, for the most part. And sometimes you will come across those who do accept you for who you are. That’s what’s really important—having friends who understand and support you, no matter what. In a way it’s like going through a lot of sour grapes to find a sweet one.

Anyway, I hope you are now more educated on the art of friendship and social dominance, and have seen that the former is more important in the long run than the latter.

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About Kyle West

  • adrienne

    Thanks guys hopefully when i go back to shcool tomorrow maybe ill make some friends.You guys gave some really great tips to me and also you guys should keep on writeing because im sure that you guys would make a fourtune one day.