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How To Kill Your Long Distance Relationship

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The myriad ways in which men can jeopardize or ruin relationships is on par with digits only dreamed and imagined by savants and God. Or crazy people. The field gets noticeably more difficult when you're engaged in a long distance situation where contact with your girl is minimal. The reasons for long distance relationships are varied, often having to do with psychological aversions to everyday contact or the inability to commit full-time to one person. Sometimes it's inconvenient timing, or the lack of options.

If you are looking to sabotage or otherwise infect your relationship with little stains of ill behavior, you have come to the right place. As a relationship expert with no credentials but tons of real-world experience, I have reduced these heretofore unquantifiable screw-ups into an easily digestible list, which you can print out and review when you come to a crossroads. Should you desire to ruin your relationship, simply continue or amplify the following behaviors. If you wish to avoid such devilishness, the list also helps point out potential pitfalls, proving that forewarning the birds in the bush will prevent them from becoming a bird in the hand, which as anyone knows, is a metaphor for a break-up. Whilst the list is by no means complete, it does cover a lot of ground.

Feel free to pass this on to other males who are in or about to be involved in a serious relationship. They are:

Seven Ways To Ruin Your Long Distance Relationship

(These also apply to non-distance relationships)

1. Lie about the little things. This is a slow-burning fuse. It won't have the effect of a massive deception, such as an affair, but will actually have a cumulative effect that is as destructive as sleeping around. She won't know you're lying. But you will. And then she'll catch you in one. Every lie is like a broken brick on the wall holding the bridge up. Take a few of them out, and you have yourself a Jenga game. Take a lot of them out, and you've got a collapsed bridge with all the 8 am work traffic on it.

2. Don't apologize for your little screw-ups. This is good because it will slowly alienate you from her, creating an ever-widening rift of unresolved quibbles that soon require major surgery to suture back together. It's much easier and feels better to remain steadfast in your own rightness. You can even try and manipulate her through tone of voice or specific key phrases into feeling bad, even though you're the one who was an ass.

3. Want her only for what she can do for you. The classic selfishness approach to relationships will leave you satisfied and happy, but her feeling diminished as a person and a lover. Your needs should trump hers if you don't want the romance to last.

4. Substitute being with her with doing things for her. This is a subtle distinction, but one that creeps up on you when you get busy or just don't feel like spending time with her on the phone or shooting her a longer email. Whenever she asks you for a favor, you should have the best attitude and willingness to do it. This will make you feel less guilty later when you are "too busy" to talk or you have to fit her in. It won't be too long before she realizes you've given up actually caring about her and are only paying lip service to the relationship.

5. Stop being romantic. Don't send her gifts or packages. Procrastinate on that mixed CD. Don't send her text messages or emails throughout the day telling her you love her. Be passive when you're with her, let her make all the moves. Stop cuddling and holding hands when you are together.

6. Stop trying to understand her. In the beginning everything she did and said was cute and maybe mysterious. You wanted to know everything about her. Now that you want out, stop asking questions. Don't inquire into her day or deeper things about her life that you haven't discovered yet. Make the relationship surface-oriented, and you'll soon discover there's not much you have to do to quit completely.

About Jeremiah Lewis

  • nicolas

    absolutely brilliant. i think i’ll have to go out and get myself a long-term (or not) relationship just so i can practice what you’ve preached

  • Jeremiah Lewis

    Thanks mate! The reality is, this is basic Relationship 101 stuff. I’d like to write more on the little things we do and what they mean, but Tolstoy’s cornered the market on that, I think.

  • MikeyDuBlaze

    So, I fit just about everyone of the signs to yourself and have fit them for several months but my girlfriend is yet to end it with me. I’m starting to think I could treat her like complete shit, cheat on her, the works and she still wouldn’t leave. The fuck am I supposed to do?

  • Jeremiah Lewis

    Man up and end it, or if you want to make the relationship work, read the last paragraph again, and then do it.

  • Sam

    omfg, are you kidding me? Like women don’t do the exact things you’re talking about. Can you say “hypocrite”? gimme a break, my LDR GF has done everything you’ve mentioned here. I think you got it backwards, who is the less “civilized” here, omg, get her a napkin, please!