As many of our patrons may notice, the upkeep of The Obnoxious Couple seems to have declined in the past month. No, I have not killed Suss (as he calls it, “put him out of his misery”) and gone into fugitive-style hiding. Actually, Sussman and I have what people call “jobs,” and I also go to what scholars call “college.” The combination of the two renders me with no life, and Suss just has no life period. He just never has anything to say because I tell him what to say. And I’ve been too busy.
Anyway, both Sussman and I would LOVE to provide comedy pieces on our jobs. And I work in retail. Trust me. Comedy goldmine. However, due to recent events, it’s becoming more and more difficult for us as bloggers to provide you with comedic relief about our jobs, and still plan to keep them.
So I am going to write about why I love my job, working for a retail giant. For the first time ever, I have sold out to the greater powers of Retail, Inc. And here are reasons why my job is the best in the world:
- The endlessly repeating soundtrack of cheesy (read: not even GOOD) 80’s music never makes me want to shoot myself in the face.
- I am never filled with such rage that I want to fly across the store and rip out a patron’s throat after seeing her rifle through freshly folded piles of sweaters.
- I LOVE to fold clothes. Over. And over. And over. And over.
- I am flattered when foreign men hit on me with their excessive cheap cologne.
- Never do I ever secretly refer to my any of my co-workers as “Captain Dipshit,” or wonder if they’re actually mentally retarded.
- I like to kindly explain to children five times in the course of two minutes not to climb on the shelves, and I LOVE folding the clothes they kick off the shelves. Little scamps.
- I don’t mind when obese women yell at me that I, as a size 2, don’t understand their qualms in finding a size 30.
- It’s so much fun asking every customer I meet if they want a store credit card, even though I know they wish I would drop dead. It builds character.
- The pay? What pay?! I don’t even CARE if I get paid less than McDonald’s workers! This job is worth every penny!
- I … love … my … job.
Uh oh. Short circuiting. Where’s the Paxil?