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How to Annoy Your Child

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It’s a well known fact that as kids grow up, they distance themself more and more from their parents. Even the slightest misstep on the parent’s part can cause the said child to lose control and shout things that everyone ends up regretting down the road (I hate you! I wish you’d disappear! and so forth). This can be a very trying time for parents who only want the best for their growing children.

As Kill Bill illustrates, revenge can be a nice bandaid and pride booster. So the next time your child flips out at you for merely looking in their direction, consider these forms of payback designed to merely horrify the child more while you only barely stifle a chuckle.

Any kind of affection in public will guarantee you a groan from your school aged child. If they react strongly to a simple hug, just think about the mortification they will endure when you introduce them to your adult friends and you smooch them on the forehead, followed by a pinch of the cheek. Bonus points for giving it a quick shake.

An eviler twist of the above scenario is to wait until your child is in the mid-teens and do that in front of their friends. Or wait until they start to date. Nothing gives a daughter a bigger heart attack than being babied with The Boyfriend around. Of course, why stop there? The first time your daughter proudly brings The Boyfriend home to meet the folks, crush her quickly by pinching his cheek and cooing.

Remember when your child was a young-un and you took them grocery shopping? Well, of course nothing but the candy isle holds to interest to a toddler. So they’d entertain themself by twirling around and singing to themselves. Sometimes it would be a Christmas song (in August), sometimes it was nonsense words to an on-the-spot tune. Or off the top of the head lyrics to a nonsense tune. You can doo your own twist of this to ensure your pre-teen never goes shopping with you again.

Start off easy. Walk briskly down the isle humming a tune. Make sure it’s audible, but not too loud. When you slow down to look at an item gradually increase the volume and make it a bit off key (which should come naturally the louder you get). If you are an atheist, and know your child is, too, hum a well known Sunday school song like “Jesus Loves Me”. Add a spring to your step. More daring parents could try skipping and/or actually singing the song. Bonus points if you shout joyously for your child to join in your music making.

To continue with the grocery store theme, anything (as illustrated above) loud and random is good. Pull an item off the shelf, yell “icky!”, and throw it back. Giggle in delight as your son or daughter tries to become invisible.

Thankfully, annoying your child does not necessarily have to involve other people. Because not only does shouting “icky!” in the middle of a store make your child want to disappear, the people around you are concentrating more on your stupidity than your child. So overly sensitive people may want to try some of the following suggestions, instead.

Just about every child gets to that dreaded age where they get the Driving Permit. And the responsibility for teaching them how to not murder people on the road falls into your unprepared lap. Of course every parant starts out paranoid and takes the child under question for a few spins around the block before doing anything complex. A few months down the road and you should be confidently taking a nap in the front seat while your kid navigates super highways and intersections from Hades.

Or, you can annoy your child. After a few months he or she should have the confidence and skills to mentally deny the fact that you’re even in the car with them. Break down that mental wall that seperates the drivers seat from the passenger seat. Start off by gripping the door handle (or arm rest, or dashboard, or purse) until your fingers turn white. Bonus points if blood flows from where your fingernails dig into your flesh. Then start whimpering each time they take a turn. Stutter “L-l-l-ook out!” and point to any object that is in sight range. The farther away the better. Every couple of moments, “W-w-watch out f-f-f-or th-th-th-that pole!” or “Bew-w-ware th-tha-that car!”, making sure the object is quite in the distance and preferably not even on your road. Bonus points if you actually faint.

If your child is a clean freak (doubtful, but I’ve know a few), and so keeps a spotless room, tell her (it’s probably a her if it’s a clean freak) to clean it. Look dissapointed when you check up on it and there’s no change.

Those are just a few suggestions. That should at least get your creative juices flowing to come up with some of your own. Feel free to post them below. If I think of more, I may create a part two.

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