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Holy Crap! I Think I’m Menopausal!

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I was out and about downtown a few evenings back when I stopped in at my favorite coffeehouse and got myself a hot cup of java to go.

No sooner had I continued on my jaunt when I started having hot flashes.

Could it merely be July’s balmy 99-degree nighttime temperatures in Phoenix combined with hot coffee — or was it something else?

That’s when a friend commented, “Maybe it’s menopause, dude!”

That was enough to send me into an emotional tailspin I have yet to recover from. I now find myself crying uncontrollably for absolutely no good reason. Oh sweet Jesus, I’m only in my 30s! And a man! Could it really be menopause? Stranger things have happened, you know. The human body is tricky business and doctors don’t know everything.

I knew I needed medical answers, but fast, so went to the most reliable source I know:

The Internet.

After polishing off a gallon of Cherry Garcia ice cream, I logged onto and took the “Hormonal Health Profile” in order to rule out this menopause thing once and for all.

First, What My Body Was Telling Me –

I have hot flashes or night sweats…

What do you think started this whole business? And if I wasn’t sweating before, I am now.

I have insomnia or disturbed sleep…

If I can sleep four hours straight, I’m lucky. I find I’ve been sleeping even less since this menopause business came up.

I feel very tired, especially in the afternoon…

Only when I’m not napping.

I am irritable, sad or depressed…

Please, don’t get me started again. I’m barely maintaining now and don’t need a statement like this — it only upsets me further.

I feel that I’ve gained weight compared to last year…

I know, for a fact, I’ve gained at least 5 pounds in the last year. Give or take a few pounds.

My interest in sex isn’t what it used to be…

Interest? It’s been so long, I’d be happy to just remember sex much less show an interest.

I crave sweets, carbohydrates or alcohol…

Im to drnk to ty pe write nOW and too BUsY eyeing that boX of chocolates. Let me gt back to u on this ONe.

I suffer from vaginal dryness…

Finally, a “no” answer! Woo-hoo! There’s still hope!

I am forgetful, fuzzy-minded or confused…

I’m sorry, what was that statement again?

I am anxious or have anxiety attacks…

What if this quiz indicates I’m menopausal? Holy crap, what will I do then? Like I don’t have enough to worry about! Please God please… help me.

I have tension headaches or migraines…

All the time. Very painful. But it’s nothing a handful of aspirin, or one well placed bullet, can’t fix.

I feel stiff or achy in my joints, especially in the morning…

“Stiff and Achy” is more or less my motto and way of life.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed or just not myself…

I can’t even answer this one. Too overwhelming. I don’t even have the energy to try.

Next… What Demands I’m Making of My Body –

Are you being treated for any disease or serious condition?

Not currently; but suspect I’ll be treated for menopause quite soon, thank you very much.

Is your work a source of stress for you?

It’s work. Duh!

Do you skip meals or follow popular diet plans?

I often skip meals. Or, as I call it, “forgetting to eat.” As for popular diets, is fast food considered a “popular diet”? If so, then the answer is a resounding YES.

Do you feel overscheduled and rushed?

What’s with all the rapid-fire questioning here? Slow down already!

Are you taking more than one prescription medication?

God, I only wish.

Do you experience a lot of conflict or stress in your relationships?

Only when it gets to the point at which the relationship blows up in my face. So I guess you could say I have “a lot of conflict and stress” at regular intervals… but, otherwise, it’s all good.

Do you have caffeine or soft drinks more than once a day?

Not since I started having hot flashes, I don’t. I’m no fool.

Have you experienced a major trauma or loss in the last 5 years?

Yeah… it’s call “living life”. Look it up, pal.

There were some more questions, but I won’t bore you with the gory details. Suffice to say, in the end I was rated as being at “Very Severe” risk for menopause.

And it didn’t help when I called a gynecologist’s office and the receptionist laughed at me.

“But I have the symptoms,” I stammered,”and my profile indicates I’m at very severe risk…” before breaking into tears.

If there’s a silver lining in all this, I guess it would be… I can have sex without the fear of anybody getting pregnant.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to go cry myself to sleep. I need my four hours, so I can wake up stiff and achy in the morning.

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About Pete Petrisko

  • Semi-Anonymous Banned Fella


    A co-worker of mine has a wife who suffers from this horrible disease called menopause. He’s probably more stressed than she is.

    Whatever did women do 100 years ago? Oh, wait. They dealt with it. Bingo…