Hilton Sex Tape

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Okay, celebutants! And I know you are reading blogcritics. This is your chance to get on the intenet sex-o-licious porn train with me.

I got a futon, I got a digital cam, I got all sorts of mad internet skills. I even know how to seed a bittorrent stream.

So, what you say, all you need to do is half-heartly pay attention to my saggey ass like you give a shit. And I’ll take care of the rest.

Hey, at the least, it’s a cheap date while you’re doing a movie of the week in Tronna.

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About Jim Carruthers

  • What celebutants would you choose and how would you rank them?

  • It wouldn’t be fair to taint the selection process by handicapping prospective celebutants. I want to ensure a fair contest entry (no purchase required), however, I am having one difficulty.

    Under Canadian law, when you run a contest, the winner is required to answer a skill-testing question. This is a condrum, since I wouldn’t want the winner to be dis-qualified for not correctly answering the question.

  • Hey Jim, don’t cop out. The public wants to know which celebutant you are after. Is it Tara Reid, Jen Love Hewitt, Kirstend Dunst or some other potential fodder for US Weekly?

  • While I will welcome applications from the listed names, I should clarify that a successful celebutant has no discernible talent whatsoever, or is a model.

    I watch Fashion TV and I vote (not that it does any good). Call me shallow, but call me.

  • Jennifer Love Hewitt is far to sweet and talented to end up in some cheap porn flick. So is Tara Reid. Isn’t Kirsten Dunst married? Married and way too talented to do porn. I don’t think hubby would be too happy either…

    If you really do want to make porn, I know some really nice people over at Kick Ass Pictures who you can pitch your porn script to. Make sure you own the rights to your script before pitching, though, just to be safe.


  • Tara Reid is one of the party girls just like Paris Hilton, so I think you are off base on that one. The others are just wishful thinking on my part!


  • Oh, that’s always what’s held back many a pr0n production, clearing the script rights. Those writers!

    Really, I’m just proposing something tasteful and classy, produced with a talentless, rich bimbo which I can then release on the internet.

    I will promise I won’t make you look like a racoon raiding a garbage can in the middle of the night.

    So, if you are youngish, rich, and reasonably good looking and want to appear on the net, give me a call. If you are very,very rich, then really give me a call. And if you’re Stiffler’s Mom, well, you know the drill.

  • JR

    If you offer them alcohol, maybe you can get the Bush twins.

  • No, I said celebutants, not skanks. And if was looking for skank Bush, I’d get farther with cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After all, Canadian booze is already an attraction, along with the legal drinking age of 18-19 (depending on province) to get overpriveleged frat girls puking on our doorsteps.

  • Okay, I will disqualify Paris Hilton from this contest for two reasons: 1) she flew coach – that’s so not celebutant, which means, 2) she obviously can’t keep me in even the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to, and while I’m at it 3) she’s already been in a crappy amateur pr0n tape or ten.

    Plus, she looks likes she’d be really annoying to spend any time around.

    So, celebutants, let’s get 5 by 5, you should be very, very, very rich. Or you should look like Eliza Dushku. Or you should converse like Sarah Vowell. If you have the trifecta, please give me advance notice so I can pack extra underwear.

  • Bill

    or you could get chelsea clinton if you make an exception for a hideous ugly skank (and alcoholic to boot) then your shitbreath pal JR would be happy, and you’d have someone to tell you how great you are for being a sniveling ass from heaven on earth aka the 51st state.

  • Hey, Bill, you kiss your mother with that mouth? (About three times a week, I expect when you poke her for the rent cheque since she doesn’t let the clients kiss her).

    Chelsea is not a celebutant, as I’ve outlined, she’s a talented, educated and really interesting woman. Yes, I’d do her. But then, I’d do almost anybody who fits in my rather loose Venn diagram.

  • Bill

    perhaps chelsea is an interesting woman. but she is much more of a celebutant than the bush girls–chelsea has used her celeb status (as is her p’rogative) and chelsea is tough on the eyes. some dinkbean brought the bush girls up for no reason, so chelsea is fair game.

    ooh, mother insults, you pathetic bastard. yeah, i kiss my mother–and thats all. your mother i just bend over her stall door and do her backways, like she likes it.

  • re: Bill
    Newton: what a tool Herc, what a tool.

    So, since you are hiding behind a non-existant address, and don’t have a contributor account, you are either a craven coward (like the Bush you admire) or really want to be a participant in my video nasty, you dirty, dirty, little girl.

  • cjones

    You guys are rough (but funny I admit).

  • I know this will be apparent to people outside of the States, but isn’t it funny (in the “does this taste funny” not ha-ha funny) how quickly a discussion of having mindless sex with stupid rich people turns into a discussion of the belly-button lint of ‘murrican politics?

  • Bill

    you guys started it, captain canuck.

  • Bill doesn’t like Jim.