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Hey, Maybe The Cubs Aren’t A Complete Embarrassment To Baseball

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(NOTE: During the writing of this article, the Cubs blew a 4-0 lead en route to a 9-5 loss at Atlanta. This is because every contract a player must sign to become a Cub includes a clause that mandates they crush the hopes and dreams of their fans.)

It was but a week ago that the Cubs were a dismal 22-31, the recent victims of both a sweep at home against Atlanta and frustrated infighting that left starting candyass catcher Michael Barrett in the hospital needing stitches in his vagina lip. At that point, the Cubs had easily earned the title of Most Underachieving Team in the MLB, easily wresting control of the dishonor from the fucking struggling Yankees, who at least had significant injuries to blame.

Fast-forward one week. The Cubs are now 20 games over .500 on a stretch that has seen them win five of their last six seven games, and which has seen a desperately needed offensive resurgence. The fans have stopped booing because they are retarded and have the attention span of goldfish, Carlos Zambrano has cooled down and for good measure, once again beaten the shit out of made amends with Michael Barrett. Most importantly, they're only six games out of relegation to AAA the lead in the NL Central.

So what's changed? It's called regression to the mean and it doesn't warrant an article because it happens to every team over the course of the year you fucking dipshit Lots.

Most important has been a return to youth in the outfield. Jacque Jones is a shitshow… actually, let's keep that one. With two strikes, Jones is a complete shitshow, batting a pathetic 12-75 (.160) on the year with just 5 RBI. Matt Murton has clearly plateaued on the wrong side of mediocre, batting just .263 with only 8 RBI to show for well over 100 AB. Sure, Felix Pie and Angel Pagan are guys with funny names not much better on paper, but Jones and Murton suck are not the answer.

The starting pitching has also been good for most of the streak, but they've never been "the problem." No starter, aside from the hilariously incompetent inconsistent Wade Miller, has a losing record in his starts. Even Zambrano, who has been hit harder than Brett Myers's wife after a loss most other Cub pitchers this season, is 6-5.

So after 60 games, the Cubs are 27-33, a .450 winning percentage. They need only go 54-48 over the rest of the season to get to 81 wins, which would probably take the 2007 NL Central by 10 games is a .500 win percentage, but still disappointing for a team that just dropped 300 milly on their roster. Sadly, it's their first baby step, and it's a big one.

There is no easy answer to this year's Cubs except for the slaying of Jim Hendry. Their roster needs more young guys who are worth a shit, their bullpen needs to die some more lefty help, and they just need better luck which the Mayans achieved by sacrificing virgins like Jim Hendry. How they achieve it remains to be seen, depending on the blowjobs front office savvy delivered by Hendry.

By and large, the Cubs are girl scouts not a championship team. They are preoccupied with making out with each other not an elite team. They aren't even interested in their wives good or mediocre right now. They embarrass every man who has ever tried to do well at his job their own fans, eliciting catcalls and a brutal sports page filled with personal attacks on players Jay Mariotti smells like a stale taint no matter how often he showers.

Is it time for baseball to give up on the 2007 Cubs? Shit yes Maybe. They have a long, long way to go before we can consider them newsworthy contenders. They have the talent to beat the Pirates six times out of 10 take the Central, but will they put it all together? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That remains to be seen.

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  • man

    enough of the crossed out words we get it you vroomer