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GOVERNOR PERRY A FAIRY? AND WILL HE LET THE GAY MARRY?

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Last week, a nasty rumor was circulating about Texas Governor Rick Perry’s sex life; the rumor apparently started in Austin and spread faster than an oil slick in a Galveston hurricane. The rumor is especially active among reporters and legislative staff in and around Austin, but no official news organization has yet to publish a story. That might change this week; they’re all scrambling to turn up something solid, but until that happens, we’ll just have to speculate, fantasize, and revel in the potential irony.

While I am usually loathe to ‘comment’ on an unconfirmed, nasty sex rumor, I also aspire to be as legitimate, honorable, and as fair as Matt Drudge and have as much patriotic integrity as Robert Novak. Yeah, I know: I aim high.

In that spirit, (I know you’re getting excited), let’s get right to the rumor:

Perry, a conservative, religious Republican was supposedly caught having sex with his Secretary. Well, no, not that kind of secretary: his Secretary of State, a cute little guy named Geoffrey S. Connor, whom Perry appointed in August 2003.

Who supposedly caught the boys having a ‘one-on-one’ legislative conference?

MRS. PERRY.

That’s right, First Lady Anita Perry might have been the “first lady” in more ways than one.

IS PERRY GAY?

To be perfectly fair, Governor Perry has a macho background that would never suggest any homosexual tendancies: he is a graduate of Texas A&M University where he was a junior and senior yell leader. Besides being a cheerleader, Perry was also a member of the Corps of Cadets, an all-male military-styled student group which labels itself as the “largest uniformed student organization in the nation that likes to prance”. Between 1972 and 1977, Governor Perry served in the military, another all-male group which boasts the “largest uniformed organization in the nation that likes to march”.

Perry was an active Boy Scout and Eagle Scout— organizations with a record of sexual integrity second only to the Catholic Church.

Although Governor Perry’s hair and grooming habits are legendary (writer Molly Ivins calls him “Governor Goodhair”) there has never been much public speculation as to his masculinity or propensity to be attracted to other men— this despite the fact that he’s got beautiful, well-cared for skin—and his suits make the Queer Eye Fab Five look like the Beverly Hillbillies.

It’s a well-known fact that Perry loves to shop, but most people thought that was a response to his friend and mentor, current President George W. Bush’s prescription for fighting the war on terror.

Two rumors are also flying around that, if true, add legitimacy to the “Porkin’ the Barrel” politics allegedly taking place between Perry and Connor:

* Becky Beaver, the ball-bustin’, emasculating divorce attorney from Austin has supposedly been hired by the First Lady. Some expect a filing to take place early this week. Reason: “Adultery”.

* Mrs. Perry was quickly removed from the itinerary of Governor Perry’s upcoming trip to Italy, although she was apparently added back to the list at the last moment. No one has been able to confirm whether she’s booked in First Class, Business, or Freight.

If true, this rumor should make for an interesting debate in Texas regarding the right of gays to marry and/or form civil unions. And if one assumes the rumors are true—and Governor Perry and Secretary Connor have formed their own ad hoc uncivil union— it’s not clear whether either of the Conservative Republicans will ‘come out’ for or against legalizing homosexual weddings on the whole [sic].

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About Mark Shark

  • Tyrone Slothrop

    I could care less about Governor Perry’s sexual proclivities or habits, as long as they were with another consenting adult. What offends me most is the sheer hypocrisy of the man and the duplicity of his moralistic, pious counterparts in the Evangelican Republican party. Rumors regarding Perry and other conservative political figures have been floating around for years and are by no means limited to the state of Texas. One of the most widely known open secrets of this sort have had to do not with Perry directly, but with his predecessor George Bush. There have been a few whispers regarding the possibility of a sexual relationship between the two men, but this rumor is one of the least believable. The longest running and most widespread one regards the long term intimate relationship between George Bush and his college friend Victor Ashe, the recent long term mayor of Knoxville, Tennessee. This is open knowledge among many Knoxville residents and a number of political operatives. Odd how this never gets out to the public via the Drudge Report – one would think that this sort of hypocrisy by the main defender and protector of the American Institution of Heterosexual Christian Marriage would be of some interest to the public at large…

  • Roger

    I don’t know where you are from Tyrone, but I grew up and lived in Knoxvile my whole life except for the last year. I had always heard rumors and remarks about former Mayor Ashe “Vickey”, but never the slightest whisper about anything regarding him and the President. I was there the whole time that he (Victor Ashe)was in office. The public hears more than you think.

    I don’t know the point, but if eveyone who knew a flaming Queer was suspected of being a fag then we would all be suspects.

  • jj

    kick his ass, bevo.

  • Anthony g

    There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I myself am a homosexual and all my friends don’t mind. This is the 21st century, people, let’s try to be open-minded, okay?

  • the mediator

    Uhh, Anthony, it’s not that big a deal. So you’re gay, big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. I have gay friends and they’re cool I guess, so you’re okay in my book.

  • the mediator

    And remember, Anthony, don’t let anyone make fun of you!

  • jon

    George W. Bush gay? Ewwwww. What self- respecting gay man would want to have sex with that hypocritical old goat? I don’t believe it.

  • boomcrashbaby

    Setting the ‘rumor’ of an individuals sex life aside for a moment, I find the humor in this article, about prancing, cheerleading and shopping, etc. disgustingly bad and more appropriate for a high school chat room than a blog site where people come to debate and discuss popular culture and politics. I’ve only been here about a week and this isn’t the Shark I have come to enjoy reading. Or maybe what I was reading this past week wasn’t really what Shark was about.

  • Shark

    I find the humor in this article, about prancing, cheerleading and shopping, etc. disgustingly bad and more appropriate for a high school chat room than a blog site where people come to debate and discuss popular culture and politics.

    Well, guess ya had to be there.

    BTW: (and man, do I fucking HATE having to explain this shit) I was making fun of, among other things:

    Texas Aggies
    Men’s fraternal organizations
    the Military
    Gay stereotypes (!!!!)
    Boy Scouts
    The Catholic Church
    Perry’s spiffy suits

    etc
    etc

    You’ve just got to be smart enough to know when someone is making fun of gays vs making fun of the general stereotypical perception of gays.

    It takes a lot of brains and a sense of humor — not that you lack either.

    Hope this helps.

    Sorry you didn’t get it.

    And DON’T MAKE ME EXPLAIN THIS SHIT AGAIN.

    heh.

  • Romio

    I need to have a gayfreind in Italy and others in Syria

  • http://biggesttent.blogspot.com/ Silas Kain

    Geesh, what is this Resurrect year old posts day?

  • Frank Zappa

    The issue is not whether one is gay or not. Seriously who cares?

    The issue is that closeted gays on the right openly attack other Americans… who happen to be gay!

    Self loathing hypocrites.