Last week, a nasty rumor was circulating about Texas Governor Rick Perry’s sex life; the rumor apparently started in Austin and spread faster than an oil slick in a Galveston hurricane. The rumor is especially active among reporters and legislative staff in and around Austin, but no official news organization has yet to publish a story. That might change this week; they’re all scrambling to turn up something solid, but until that happens, we’ll just have to speculate, fantasize, and revel in the potential irony.
While I am usually loathe to ‘comment’ on an unconfirmed, nasty sex rumor, I also aspire to be as legitimate, honorable, and as fair as Matt Drudge and have as much patriotic integrity as Robert Novak. Yeah, I know: I aim high.
In that spirit, (I know you’re getting excited), let’s get right to the rumor:
Perry, a conservative, religious Republican was supposedly caught having sex with his Secretary. Well, no, not that kind of secretary: his Secretary of State, a cute little guy named Geoffrey S. Connor, whom Perry appointed in August 2003.
Who supposedly caught the boys having a ‘one-on-one’ legislative conference?
That’s right, First Lady Anita Perry might have been the “first lady” in more ways than one.
IS PERRY GAY?
To be perfectly fair, Governor Perry has a macho background that would never suggest any homosexual tendancies: he is a graduate of Texas A&M University where he was a junior and senior yell leader. Besides being a cheerleader, Perry was also a member of the Corps of Cadets, an all-male military-styled student group which labels itself as the “largest uniformed student organization in the nation that likes to prance”. Between 1972 and 1977, Governor Perry served in the military, another all-male group which boasts the “largest uniformed organization in the nation that likes to march”.
Perry was an active Boy Scout and Eagle Scout— organizations with a record of sexual integrity second only to the Catholic Church.
Although Governor Perry’s hair and grooming habits are legendary (writer Molly Ivins calls him “Governor Goodhair”) there has never been much public speculation as to his masculinity or propensity to be attracted to other men— this despite the fact that he’s got beautiful, well-cared for skin—and his suits make the Queer Eye Fab Five look like the Beverly Hillbillies.
It’s a well-known fact that Perry loves to shop, but most people thought that was a response to his friend and mentor, current President George W. Bush’s prescription for fighting the war on terror.
Two rumors are also flying around that, if true, add legitimacy to the “Porkin’ the Barrel” politics allegedly taking place between Perry and Connor:
* Becky Beaver, the ball-bustin’, emasculating divorce attorney from Austin has supposedly been hired by the First Lady. Some expect a filing to take place early this week. Reason: “Adultery”.
* Mrs. Perry was quickly removed from the itinerary of Governor Perry’s upcoming trip to Italy, although she was apparently added back to the list at the last moment. No one has been able to confirm whether she’s booked in First Class, Business, or Freight.
If true, this rumor should make for an interesting debate in Texas regarding the right of gays to marry and/or form civil unions. And if one assumes the rumors are true—and Governor Perry and Secretary Connor have formed their own ad hoc uncivil union— it’s not clear whether either of the Conservative Republicans will ‘come out’ for or against legalizing homosexual weddings on the whole [sic].Powered by Sidelines