The hulking, gas-guzzling Hummer H-1 is going the way of the Dodo, the Desoto and the Daughtry, as GM has announced 2006 will be the last year for this 10-mile per gallon behemoth.
Mentioned in the news accounts of GM’s announcement is that environmentalists hated the H-1 for obvious reasons, while celebrities and off-road enthusiasts loved the indulgence and power offered by the mother of all Hummers.
Conspicuously absent in these accounts was any mention of the Hummer’s largest audience, males who have a deep sense of phallic meagerness. Nothing says “small dick” quite like the Hummer H-1. The only thing that comes close is having a woman flash the universal sign for “small dick;” the thumb and forefinger held up in a this-close manner.
Some guys who suffer from microphallus are panicked, some have moved on to other vehicles, while many have moved in a different direction in order to try and overcome their shortcoming.
And members of the teeny weenie brigade shouldn’t speak up in defense of the necessity of driving a Hummer in suburban settings. You’ll just look stupid and we’ll know that you suffer from dwarf cock, as well.
However, the wealthy but panicked pin dicks can rest easy as the $100,000 International CXT, which looks more like a semi than a pick up, is on the market. International calls it the world’s largest pickup truck as it weighs in at 14,500 pounds and is 21 feet long and 9 feet high.
The CXT has what it takes to replace the Hummer H-1 for those men with insignificant inseams. With a 220-horsepower diesel engine and a 70-gallon fuel tank, the CXT will certainly draw the ire of environmentalists. More importantly, the wiener-challenged will be able to draw ample attention to themselves in their attempt to compensate for their picayune pricks when they sit behind the wheel of this baby.
Environmentalists, rather than appeal to a man’s sense of responsibility to conserve fuel, should call out the drivers of these gas-guzzlers for having tiny members and pepper these guys with scorn and derision. Their public service announcements should use the motto, “You’re insensitive about the environment and you have a small dick!” Anyway…
There are plenty of other vehicles that guys use to compensate – ridiculous sports cars and the two other Hummer models – but these days dudes with diminutive dongs are doing other things to make up for their undersized undercarriage.
Forward-thinking members of the mini-member club have turned to technology in their attempt to call attention to themselves. Rather than go the big truck/fancy car route, these pygmy puds have decided to stick things in their ears and talk loudly in public places. At least with a vehicle these annoying types came and went as they passed on the street, but this breed of guy with the trifling tallywacker now sits in restaurants and at youth sports games talking away into Bluetooth cell phones.
This rudeness and imposition isn’t fleeting, but lasting. Thanks to technology we’re now forced to listen to the details of formerly confidential business deals and personal issues because some guys have been cursed with small-fry schmeckels.
Somehow guys who have been cursed with slight shafts think that they are fooling us into thinking that anyone who needs to be this “plugged in” must really be important. We’re smarter than that. We see a Bluetooth Buffoon and think, “small dick.” Remember that, guys.
Nobody is that important. Anybody who is truly important doesn’t talk out loud in public about a big real estate deal, stock transaction or the wife’s latest cosmetic surgery. And people who are really important have an assistant handling all that crap, and don’t walk around Target with the now-free Bluetooth thing sticking out of their ear.
After a visit to any mall or little league field you’ll be filled with the urge to yell, “Get that fucking thing out of you ear and shut the hell up. You look like Uhura!” But you won’t actually yell it, because you have self-control. Although nobody would blame you for wearing a tee shirt emblazoned with this admonition.
So in closing, no more Hummer H-1, but something that looks to be far worse; the International CXT and Bluetooth Buffoons.