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General Motors Is Discontinuing Production Of The Hummer H-1

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The hulking, gas-guzzling Hummer H-1 is going the way of the Dodo, the Desoto and the Daughtry, as GM has announced 2006 will be the last year for this 10-mile per gallon behemoth.

Mentioned in the news accounts of GM’s announcement is that environmentalists hated the H-1 for obvious reasons, while celebrities and off-road enthusiasts loved the indulgence and power offered by the mother of all Hummers.

Conspicuously absent in these accounts was any mention of the Hummer’s largest audience, males who have a deep sense of phallic meagerness. Nothing says “small dick” quite like the Hummer H-1. The only thing that comes close is having a woman flash the universal sign for “small dick;” the thumb and forefinger held up in a this-close manner.

Some guys who suffer from microphallus are panicked, some have moved on to other vehicles, while many have moved in a different direction in order to try and overcome their shortcoming.

And members of the teeny weenie brigade shouldn’t speak up in defense of the necessity of driving a Hummer in suburban settings. You’ll just look stupid and we’ll know that you suffer from dwarf cock, as well.

However, the wealthy but panicked pin dicks can rest easy as the $100,000 International CXT, which looks more like a semi than a pick up, is on the market. International calls it the world’s largest pickup truck as it weighs in at 14,500 pounds and is 21 feet long and 9 feet high.

The CXT has what it takes to replace the Hummer H-1 for those men with insignificant inseams. With a 220-horsepower diesel engine and a 70-gallon fuel tank, the CXT will certainly draw the ire of environmentalists. More importantly, the wiener-challenged will be able to draw ample attention to themselves in their attempt to compensate for their picayune pricks when they sit behind the wheel of this baby.

Environmentalists, rather than appeal to a man’s sense of responsibility to conserve fuel, should call out the drivers of these gas-guzzlers for having tiny members and pepper these guys with scorn and derision. Their public service announcements should use the motto, “You’re insensitive about the environment and you have a small dick!” Anyway…

There are plenty of other vehicles that guys use to compensate – ridiculous sports cars and the two other Hummer models – but these days dudes with diminutive dongs are doing other things to make up for their undersized undercarriage.

Forward-thinking members of the mini-member club have turned to technology in their attempt to call attention to themselves. Rather than go the big truck/fancy car route, these pygmy puds have decided to stick things in their ears and talk loudly in public places. At least with a vehicle these annoying types came and went as they passed on the street, but this breed of guy with the trifling tallywacker now sits in restaurants and at youth sports games talking away into Bluetooth cell phones.

This rudeness and imposition isn’t fleeting, but lasting. Thanks to technology we’re now forced to listen to the details of formerly confidential business deals and personal issues because some guys have been cursed with small-fry schmeckels.

Somehow guys who have been cursed with slight shafts think that they are fooling us into thinking that anyone who needs to be this “plugged in” must really be important. We’re smarter than that. We see a Bluetooth Buffoon and think, “small dick.” Remember that, guys.

Nobody is that important. Anybody who is truly important doesn’t talk out loud in public about a big real estate deal, stock transaction or the wife’s latest cosmetic surgery. And people who are really important have an assistant handling all that crap, and don’t walk around Target with the now-free Bluetooth thing sticking out of their ear.

After a visit to any mall or little league field you’ll be filled with the urge to yell, “Get that fucking thing out of you ear and shut the hell up. You look like Uhura!” But you won’t actually yell it, because you have self-control. Although nobody would blame you for wearing a tee shirt emblazoned with this admonition.

So in closing, no more Hummer H-1, but something that looks to be far worse; the International CXT and Bluetooth Buffoons.

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About Sal Marinello

  • Nigel

    What an illuminating article!

    Nothing could have illustrated more perfectly the enviro-fashion crowd. Childish arguments with zero factual backup. You could have just as easily written “Nahh naaah! :-P” and saved us all some time.

    Let me bring you in on a secret: Being “concerned” about the environment doesnt pull chicks any more than a H1 does….

    And if its facts you are vaguely interested in, cars are one of the smallest contributors to greenhouse gasses. Rice paddies and agricultural animals are. Oops.

    Electric cars, that produce no emissions, still need to be charged from a power socket. That power comes from coal-fired power stations which are less efficient than a deisel engine. Oops.

    Oh well….

    Good luck with your strength and conditioning !!

  • sal m

    So Nigel are you a fancy car guy or a blue toother?
    and if you want facts steer clear of items that are sub-categorized as (attempted/alleged) humor and satire.

  • Vincent M Marinello

    There’s no question Sal hit the dick on the head with his amusing commentary.He told Nigel a thing or two also. vince

  • Guppusmaximus

    Great Article!!

    Those Hummers were crap when I had to ride in them in the service nevermind driving one of those Short Retarded Buses around in the city.

    And for all you “Bluetoothers”-Just retrieve that f*cking cellphone out of your pocket,you lazy f*cks!! It’s not like you have to worry about the lack of space down there…

  • sal m

    leave the dick jokes to the professionals…

  • This article should be subtitled: “All the euphemisms for miniscule male members — oh, and something or other about the original commercial Hummer.”

    Very enjoyable, Sal!

  • Jeff

    I have a 2000 H1 that runs on corn or Vegetable oil and gets 26 miles per gallon. Any deisel motor can be converted to run on corn or vegetable oil for around $900 with zero pollution. Let me know when your subaru can do that. I use my hummer in durango colorado for surch and rescue. PS The ladies love my dick, dont make assumptions.

  • Hey Sal,

    Nice comments about the H1. What you failed to mention is that H2’s are way more gay and also get horrible gas mileage. I can’t tell you how many losers I’ve met that drive H2’s.

    Regarding the Big Truck Small Dick comments though – I have a Ford F-250 Turbo Diesel that I use for work and as a daily driver. My cock is not only fat, but quite long. My wife loves it and so did all the ladies before her. I have pics if you would like to see it. It’s also kind of pretty with a minimal amount of blemishes and good coloring fed by a vein that compiments the shaft quite well.

    By the way, most people that make small dick comments are jealous and have small dicks themselves, or they’re women who are decently intelligent and know how to get under the average Joe’s skin.

  • Lorne

    I think I have to go with Peter on this.
    There is a better chance of some weight lifter taking steriods and have a small one than it being related to what he drives or how he does his business.

  • Cliff

    Hey Sally, I find it very funny how you rant about topics that you dont have any facts about besides your beliefs or what you overheard on your subway ride to the lil boys lockerrooms at the Highschool where you coach.
    As Jeff stated most H1’s are diesel and can be easily converted into a veggie burner, it not only does it not polute but the energy is renewable.
    Also most H1 owners are of a different class and will drop what they are doing to give a helping hand even if it is to a uninformed self righteous twit like yourself. Im sure if your Prius slide off the side of a icy road and a H1 yanked you out of the ditch you wouldnt ask how much MPG it gets.

  • Lare

    Peter…that was funny as hell. I drive an ’84 6.2 diesel K5 Blazer. Lifted with 33″ BFG’s. Although my dick is only four inches long, its as thick as a soup can. That’s why the ladies call me the Campbell’s kid. They don’t say it’s great, but they do say it’s Mmmm good!
    BTW, my Blazer is running on an HHO (hydrogen) booster that I built. I get 45 miles to the gallon. I used to get 25, its punched .60
    over and has ported and polished heads. When I renewed the tags at the DMV the guy said it was burning cleaner than most of the new cars he’s seen. (I asked him to check it for me) And that is with the extra 30-40 horses it adds.