Satire: Wii? What About Me!

That’s right, it has been revealed that the Nintendo Revolution shall be officially called the Wii (pronounced “We”). The name will hurt its success in the west, where it’s synonymous with what a toddler does in its pants, and will do it well in France where it will translate as the “Nintendo: YES!” What concerns me however, is the meaning behind the name. Nintendo states that Wii represents taking down the barriers between gamers and non-gamers; that the name emphasizes this console is for everyone…

Well I say, fuck everyone! What about us hardcore gamers? We, who have stayed up through the night, our own eyelids so dry that they scratch against our corneas like sandpaper with every blink, just to make it to that next level. We have spent most of our lives perfecting our skills with traditional console controls, and I see no reason why we should sit idly by while Nintendo levels the playing field. We don’t want a gaming system that our girlfriends, real or imaginary, can just pick up and play. We want a system that is counterintuitive, complex, and requires the kind of multitasking skills that only gaming gurus like ourselves could ever dream of mastering. So it is with this in mind that I present the gaming system that is NOT for everyone, but for the select few (or one):

The mI! (pronounced ME!) is the first console designed specifically for the hardcore gamer. Whereas the “ii” in Wii symbolizes people playing together, the lone capital “I” in mI! represents that I alone am what is most important. It also stands for isolation.

Controller
I earned these calluses on my thumbs, and I am not prepared to let them become obsolete just because Nintendo decides to make a game controller that operates like a remote control. I will not allow gaming skills of the future to be inherent to the common couch potato. So the Mi! controller will be outfitted with a grand tapestry of buttons, to control even the most nuanced aspects of a game. It has three analog joysticks, 41 face buttons, two triggers, two handle-tip buttons, three slide controls, a number pad, and a touch screen. There are also 12 traditional shoulder buttons at the front of the controller and two similar buttons to the rear, which I have dubbed “ass cheek” buttons. Oh, and it has a doorknob.

Article Author: NB

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